Helping in school - advice needed

[Azzie]

My ds started school in September, and settling in has been a bit of a slow process; he now seems fairly happy to go to school (although he did have a nervous stomacheache before going back after half term) but is still a bit clingy sometimes when I drop him off, and is very keen for me to pick him up (he seems to enjoy the after school club, but it is another change he is having to adapt to).

His class are going on a small outing next week, and he was very keen for me to come along and help - they have asked for as many parents as possible to come along. I've booked the day off work to go. However, today his teacher told me that school policy is that parents who come to help don't look after their own children. I don't know the reason for this (although I'm sure they have a good one - any of you teachers out there know why?).

My worry now is that it is going to upset my ds terrribly if he sees I am there but isn't allowed to be with me. He can be a bit oversensitive at times, and at the moment (with all the changes in his life) is being very close to me. I think I may have made a mistake in volunteering to go and help, when I actually did it to try and make him feel more secure. I don't know how to explain this situation/policy to him. I know that they need as many helpers as they can get, but feel that maybe I should back out. Any thoughts/advice?

I don't suppose it will upset him, and he will seethat other parents are not with their children. Why don't you ask him what he thinks?

Azzie, from my experiences as a helper on trips like this, the main reason they don't give you your own child is that most kids behave better for somebody else! (Also, particularly with very little ones, when it's their own mum they tend to want undivided attention, and unless you have a very small group you need eyes in the back of the head and have to keep counting them all the time.)

However - when DH went on an infant trip he did get our DD...which is odd. Must be just mums! (When I helped on trips when the children were older I got my own, whether I wanted them or not.)

As Copper says, when he sees that nobody has their own mum he should be OK with it. If you have a chat with him about it beforehand it might help, and at least you will be there, which is the important thing. Good luck - hope he's OK with it! (You might need a stiff drink afterwards - it's an "interesting" way to spend a few hours!)

Thanks, Janh, that makes some sense. It's just that he's so clingy to me at the moment that I can't bear the thought of having to be heartless mummy and send him away if he comes to me (visions of little face crumpling up...).

Of course, having worried about this he will ignore me totally on the day. As for the stiff drink, I'm going into town afterwards for a big of lunch and retail therapy, so I should be OK .

I haven't any experience of this except for playgroup outings (when you're definitely responsible for yours + extra kids) but Azzie, it sounds a bit strange that they want parents to go but not be with their own children. I know they mostly behave better for someone else but still. Is it a very strict rule? Or do they just mean that you need to look after others as well and not concentrate solely on your child? The ratio of adults to children does legally have to be higher on outings so I can see why they want as many parents as possible to go but it seems very strange at this age to say you absolutely can't be with your child. After all if it wasn@t for your child being there you wouldn@t be eitherMmmm. Maybe I'm the weird one but it seems to be a policy with no basis in reason (or 5 yo logic!).

Forgive the @ symbols, my keys got stuck...

I think the reason is probably that there are some parents out htere who. if they had their own child in their group, would pay little if any attention to the other children. But if none of the children you are responsible for are your own, you will give them equal attention. Dunno, just the only thing I can think of (I'm a secondary teacher, and can you imagine a teenagers embarrasment if their parents came on a school trip!)

When ds1 started school he was desperate for me to come in to see his school, and wanted me to help in class. He got very cross when I said it wasn't possible. I started going in one afternoon a week to listen to children read one-to-one, with the parallel Yr1 class (not own child's class - see sch policy discussed below). I was very worried that ds would get very upset that I wasn't in his class, and actually didn't tell him the first time I went in. But to my astonishment he accepted it without a murmur!

So try not to worry.

I had a (gentle) little discussion with him about this last night, and told him that I would probably be walking with other children not him. As predicted, he burst into tears, so I pointed out that a)he would be able to see me, b) it would be really nice for me to get to know some of the other children in his class so that I would know who he was talking about, and c) it would give him a chance to get to know somebody else's mummy. We then had a long chat about who I knew in his class and what mummys he already knew, and that seemed to make him happier. Fingers crossed!

as a primary school teacher i think that you would find this a common thing in all primary schools, whenever we have had trips out, we've followed the same policy, the reason being that with some parents (as already suggested) it just becomes an opportunity to take your children out with a few friends hanging on, parents (i'm not saying all!) can tend to just become focused on their child, and can you imagine the embaressment if their child was doing something unacceptable within the guidance of their own parent... awkward to say the least!

on the one occasion when a parent did come on a trip with me... she was lovely and so were her kids, but lets just say... that she had different views on how children should behave (running haphazardly around an amusement park... having cups of tea and letting children 'off leash' whilst other children in groups looked longingley at this grouped and wondered why they weren't allowed to have free reign!!!

it just has too many complications for parents, teachers and pupils! so best not to go there!!!

Thanks, Bea. I can see that it can put the teacher in a very difficult position! Ds's teacher will get no stress from me, I trained as a teacher (secondary not primary) and have an idea what a difficult job she's got already, without parents making it harder for her. I think I'll go along and see what happens, and if ds doesn't cope very well I just won't do it again - after all, what his teacher needs is someone who can help, not someone who is causing more problems than they are solving.

hope all goes well azzie... have a lovely day and if travelling on a coach etc... remember to take those plastic bags (make sure they don't have any holes in!!!) and a little bag of sucky sweets... amazing how a sucky sweet manages to erase all sympthoms of queasieness!! for teachers/jelpers as well as tiddleypeeps (as my dh keeps calling them... i think he might have watched the Hoobs!)

have a lovely time and hope your tiddleypeep enjoys it too!!!

Azzie, I think your trip must be over by now, I just read a bit of the postings. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, from all teachers who have had parents volunteer and with their own child in a group, the situation gets , most often, quickly out of hand. Children get used to us answering them because we are MOM. The first few times they experience THEIR MOM relating to other children , they become a bit or a lot insecure and some even question being loved. The pre-discussions make such a difference. You deserve a big "Thanks" for catching a potentially explosive situation and for recognizing what it takes to be a good teacher.