Teaching and self esteem

[Rose13579]

I’ve been a teacher for 15 years and recently went back full time after being part time for several years. I’ve found it so hard this year- the pressure and work load especially. The thing I find hardest though is the way it makes me feel as a person. I feel embarrassed to admit that after all this time in the job I still take it personally when students are rude or lessons don’t go to plan and I will dwell on this for ages often feeling pretty upset. I’m finding this is really affecting my self esteem and wish I could find ways to switch off from work. I find myself waking up in the night or early morning worrying about things and I feel really fed up with it all. The thing is I do enjoy many parts of the job and I enjoy teaching most of my classes. I love helping my students and feeling like I’m making a difference. I feel like the job really impacts my self esteem though and I wonder if I’d be happier doing something where I wasn’t judged all the time. Has anyone else felt like this and if so any advice?! Thanks

I am guessing these are teens you are teaching? They can be so unpleasant.

Why did you go back full time if you don't mind me asking? The reason I ask is that I went back full time when my DC were older and felt very much like you describe. I work as a nurse and I just didn't feel good enough, low confidence and was just getting through each shift however I could. I felt like I had imposter syndrome. it really impacted on my enjoyment of the job and my home life. It took me going off sick longterm to address my issues.

For me, I ended up having a but of CBT and learning mindfulness. I finally don't take anything personally. It takes practice but it is possible. I think it is a confidence thing, my nursing union run lots of online courses and counselling which I accessed, do you have access to anything like this? Do you have anyone at school you can talk to about this?
It is a horrible place to be but I truly believe you can change it.

When I am on days off I disconnect as much as possible, mute my emails and WhatsApp (always begging for extra shifts).

Do you still enjoy teaching? We can't afford to lose any teachers.

Thanks for replying Rupert. Yes teenagers- how did you guess!? I do still enjoy the job and I love seeing students make progress in my subject. I went back full time due to my children being older and feel exactly as you describe- not good enough and low confidence. I also feel the job often brings out some insecurities I’ve had since I was younger (partly from an abusive controlling relationship I was in). The cbt and mindfulness sound great- I’d love to get to a stage where I had the confidence to not take things so personally. I see colleagues who can do that and wonder how they do it. Maybe I should ask my teaching Union if anything like that exists.

The CBT gives you the tools to change the way you think, so rather than overthinking, it allows you to accept the problem and move on.

I think the work place can be hard on women, although the children are older they still need you, this means you are pulled in many directions, often feeling like you are not giving your best to any role (mother/teacher/partner).

It's easy for me to say but, use this as a chance to reinvent yourself, your past does not dictate your future. You are a different person now. What would you say to your children if they were affected by something someone said? It takes practice no one likes put downs. (I would struggle not to tell the students to shut up) Do you have a good relationship with other teachers who you think have good resilience or handle this situation the way you would like to? Nothing wrong with being honest and asking how they do. It can be a case of fake it until you make it. Sometimes confident people are faking.

To help me overcome how I was feeling, I looked at people in my work who I admired and respected and used some of their techniques as my own. I still have ups and downs but have been promoted to a senior role so it is possible to change.

I hope this helps I remember feeling like you and it is horrible.

Rude teenagers was the reason I went into primary. Would that be an option for you? Year 6 perhaps?

Taking things personally is not a flaw. I've worked in education as a TA and outside of education (regular admin job) and the difference in what you have to put up with is stark. For example, if we received any difficult phone calls in my admin work, we were told to put the phone down, that we had a right not to be abused, we were offered counselling and support from our manager. Teachers just have to put up like it's part of the job. It is part of the job (probably) but it's difficult and stressful. Like being a police officer. Being a mum as well, you have a lot on your plate. I don't like I could be a teacher. Not intelligence wise but emotionally it's too much. Add to that you are constantly scrutinised in your difficult job when they should be kissing your feet.

Thanks all for the replies- it’s much appreciated.

good idea Rupert about trying to emulate some of the strategies my colleagues use. I think I’m pretty good at appearing to have it all together in front of my classes but afterwards I will overthink things which is exhausting. I’ll definitely look into cbt. I’m guessing there’s no point going to the doctor as the waiting list is probably huge but maybe my union can help.

I have thought about primary and might look into it further. I do really like teaching A level too so wonder if a college would be another option.

yes it’s definitely hard being a mum and teacher. Constantly feel like my children lose out as they get the worst of me after a long tiring day. Another option is to go back part time but it’s not possible at the moment for several reasons.