Resorting to hypocrisy to get your child into a good school that's Catholic

[Catt]

OK this is a really delicate little dilemma I've been battling with.

We're Catholic (but only in name IYSWIM)and we're looking at schools for our ds. Now by far the best primary school in our area is - you've guessed it - a Catholic one. As it's such a good school, it's oversubscribed and those parents who want to apply for a place have to have a letter from the local parish priest saying you attend church regularly and so on.

We don't go to Mass, we have nothing to do with the catholic community and we know that to stand a chance of getting a place at this school we would have to change that. We know many parents who are just like us but are quite happy to be total hypocrites to get their kids into the good school.

The thought of doing this makes me feel sad - I would have to live a large part of my life pretending to be something I'm not, and what kind of an example is that to set to my children? It's getting to crunch time now - soon my dh and I will have to decide if we're going to try for this school or not bother. What would YOU do?

I've just noticed my incredibly long & awkward thread title - you'd never guess I write for a living would you?

Tough one. Personally, if it came down to a choice between compromising my child's education and therefore their future and going to church regularly to get them into a good school, I'd do the latter.

A third option, which is the one we actually took, is to move house into an area with a choice of 3 good schools. Obviously, this is not really an easy option and we were looking to move anyway. Schools played a huge part in where we looked.

Are you non-practicing catholics because of a lack of belief or apathy? I'm not sure apathy is quite the right word but I hope you understand what I mean . If it's though disbelief then you are going to have a hard time convincing the parish priest of your intentions if you start going to church just before applying for a place at the school.

We moved to an area which has a fairly good non-faith school and a good catholic school. As non- practicing catholics we decided to go back to mass regularly and have had our dd christened. She may well end up at the non-faith school but we feel we have "options". It is hypocritical I know but I think you have to make the best of limited choices.

SoupDragon - it's a lack of belief AND apathy. We had our children christened and therefore know the parish priest, and I've said to him that we are meaning to go to mass when our kids are a bit older and we're not so pushed for time bla bla. So if we did start going to church he wouldn't think it's too strange.

I think it's become a bit of a charade anyway, in that the priest, the parents and the school all know that it's all about getting your kid into the school - but everyone goes along with the pretence. Oh well, what's a couple of hours a week when your child's education is at stake, I suppose.

You don't have to be a Catholic to be involved in all that they do. Many Catholics now liaise with other churches and communities and hold ecumenical masses. Have a word with your priest about how you feel, ask if you can get involved in your parish in other ways, for instance help out at jumble sales, or do the soup run every now and then. Not everything that is Catholic is to do with going to Mass.

You must also understand that your children will be taught all about God, Jesus, the Resurrection, Holy Communion, the Trinity and so on. If you don't believe in these things then this could make it awkward and confusing for your children. Also what would you do when it comes to your kids making their Holy Communion, they will feel left out when all the other children are getting their outfits ready and learning about what they have to do.

I would give this some serious thought and a little soul-searching too. Definitely have a word with your priest, he won't expect you to convert but I'll bet he'll be glad of your honesty, they are not stupid and they know some parents only pay the church lip-service. Have a word with other parents too and see that their views are on the church.

Actually, it's a good point that Batters makes. You need to visit the schools and get a "gut feeling" for which is right for your child. We've only looked round my no. 1 choice for DS1 so far and although I originally had my heart set on it, something just didn't feel right. You may well find that the catholic school does not feel right for your DS.

I wouldn't do it. I'm agnostic and wouldn't face this dilemma though: deliberately sent ds to a non denominational school. Are you sure it's the best primary school? Have you looked at the others? I say this because IMO ofsted reports and all that are not the best indicator of how good a school is or how happy your child will be there. What about looking at all the others and then deciding whether you can live with the hypocrisy or not? Good luck, let us know what you decide!

sorry, hadn't read the other posts and now realise that Batters had already said similar...

I'm catholic , non church going and my DH is a non believer. We had the childern christened, and DS has just started a fantastic catholic school.
we decided after much soul searching to apply to the school, with no letter from the local priest, just said on the application that our DS was christened in the cathloic faith and we wanted him to go to the school because we liked its ethos.
which is true.
and he got in, with no pretence on our part, even thoughit is a hugely popular school.
I'm happy we just told the truth (probably because it worked)

Maybe it could be an opportunity for you to rekindle your faith as well as getting lids into good school?

For anyone struggling with their faith, why not see if your local church participates in those Alpha courses? Or if they don't, most churches do Bible Study in which certain aspects of the Bible are studied each week and explained. You get your chance to discuss what is being explained and as well as learning about this book, you also get to air your views. So you may well come out of it with a stronger faith and a more balanced view on where you stand.

As for hiding your views just so your child can do well, I don't really agree with that. Your children will be taught the faith in their schools, and if you contradict the teachers, that will just confuse them. I would strongly advise visiting the priest, they are no longer the ogres they were depicted as in the yesteryears.

I would like to echo what Rhubarb has said, the vast majority of vicars/priests/ministers etc these days are very open minded and enjoy discussing various aspects of religion (I am sure there are some old fogies out there, but not in my experience!) - speaking personally, I am a methodist but our church now shares with a URC minister, it all makes it more interesting; also DH was very keen for DS to be christened in our village CoE Church - the vicar there was delighted, so was our minister, we asked for various different aspects of both churches to be included in the service - all this was very willingly accommodated, and a service at an unusual time of day as we had overseas godparents who couldn't make it at any other time. Perhaps I am lucky in living in a rural part of the country - where vicars still call to tea (both of mine together the other day!!). Equally, I enjoy contributing to both churches with fund raising, help, support etc.

Thanks for all your replies, they have actually helped me to make the decision, I think.

What I'm going to do is apply to the catholic school but be perfectly open about our lives. I won't start going to mass, but I'll just say I like the school and its ethos and I would like my ds to be educated in that environment. If he gets a place, fine. If not, I'll look elsewhere.

I do really hate the idea of pretending to be something I'm not, so if ds attends that school it will have to be on the understanding that we are not regular mass attenders etc. Life's tough enough without the mental burden of knowing you're putting on a false front.