Developing a work ethic and competitive spirit?

[barefootcook]

Is it possible to help a student significantly improve their work ethic and desire to do well? SD12 is a capable all rounder. He works moderately hard and achieves good results. This is fine but I just wonder if there is anything I could do to help him set his sights higher? Any suggestions or thoughts ( I know he is definitely not the only 12 year old like this!) would be appreciated.

I would also love to know.

I am able to bribe my 12yo into putting in a little more effort by offering extra sweer treats or sxreen time in exchange for working a little harder but it's not a successful strategy for creating a genuine desire to put in the effort just for the joy of doing well.

I'm also interested in this. I've always had a strong work ethic and my DD seems to have the same. DS will only put effort in if he really has to and complains the whole time. He's bright so coasted through primary school, which didn't help as he never needed to put effort in and would still be top of the class. Now he's at secondary he's much more average in his tests results etc and while he knows he needs to put in more effort he still doesn't, then gets upset when he doesn't achieve what he wants to.

@barefootcook - This is a very hard question. & I don't have the answer. But all I would say is DCs can change between 12 onwards. So an innate desire to well could well appear. I think some DCs who know what they want to do and know e.g. exams are the way to do it can realise that is what they need to do. But that ( I think ) comes a bit older than 12.

A competitive spirit I think - purely my opinion - to some extent in inborn. What is not is realising what you personally need to do for what you want to achieve ( so not just I must beat Jenny or Johnny at everything - just I need to achieve X Y Z to do what I want to do. ) But again I think 12 is relatively young to know what you want to do . I just said to my DS do the best you can at everything & try to be interested because it gives you more options down the line and you may come across something you are really interested in.

I told you I did not have the answer

I think peer pressure and the school setting have a huge influence on this. Important not to be in an environment where students are bullied for working hard, or for wanting to learn and achieve etc. It's a lot easier to do well in an environment where learning is respected and there is a collective learning ethos. And that tends to come from the top down. A good school usually ramps up the learning around 14 yrs but imho boys can suddenly 'click' a bit later at 15 yrs.

Didn't answer about a competitive spirit - not sure - team sports?

Not sure why you want your ds to focus on developing competitive skills though; when collaborative skills are probably more useful in the contemporary workplace And the hardest battles are often fought within ourselves? Sorry, don't mean for that to sound preachy!

Perhaps you want him to develop more autonomy and want him to want to do well, for his own sake? Agree with pp, a bit later on (12 yrs a bit young yet) it's helpful for them to start thinking about what they want to do, visiting workplaces, talking to adults about careers and making the link between why they are studying, what they are studying towards and a potential end goal or goals. Or a certain area of interest. And developing a sense that they have agency and control over the process.

I think the latter is where a lot of schools go wrong actually. They adopt a very strict set of regimented rules giving pupils virtually no control over their daily lives and at the same time say to them "your educational outcomes are within your control" and its a confusing message for teens to take on board. It's a difficult balance to get right between discipline and autonomy but really important I think to give pupils a sense of agency.

This is a tricky one. When it comes to a team spirit, things like team sports are recommended ideally. But I do also believe it comes from within in some people too.

A good work ethic can be honed and fine tuned. Perhaps prayers will do the trick if not try something else. Here is a idea, show him career booklets and discuss future courses as well, a career advisor can also help there.

The NCS website is a useful starting point. You can find all sort of information on there, have a look. Talk about skills and qualities needed in addition to any formal fancy qualifications and degrees wanted. Read job adverts in the paper, and pay attention to what they need and want, highlight key words or circle them instead.

Help him with homework.

Good luck to you.

As the mother of a 21 & 18 year old, I would say NO! They are both very different, DS has a very competitive nature, but lazy re academic stuff, using his intelligence when necessary. DD is not very competitive, but will work her socks off to succeed. Despite me giving them the same advice/information over the years. They will be what they will be.

No idea if there’s anything you can do about that, but pretty sure any serious attempts you make = therapy in later life for the lad.

Some great ideas there and sounds like I am not alone. Maturity will hopefully help! Thank you all.

Moolia- he sounds exactly like your son. Especially the bit about not putting in the work and then being disappointed with the results! I really think they need to learn the hard way with that one.

Sometimes sitting with him to help him study for a particular test may show him that putting the extra effort in can make it more likely for him to get 90% as opposed to 70%.

Focusing on the grades themselves too much can also be a bad thing - as kids can get anxiety about not doing well, which can affect them in lots of ways. But working hard even if he doesn’t get the good grades, should be appreciated - because he has tried his best.

Why were you troubling yourself with your stepson’s (? SS) absence of competitive spirit at 4.30am on Christmas morning??

Does he live with you full time? If not, will you be liaising with his full time resident parent (as well as the one you presumably live with) to effect any change?

@Shinychestnuts
So agree with your comments about school setting. My eldest two DC are at a lovely local comp and they are celebrated for working hard and having developed interests. This permeates across the student body and results in the most impressive bunch of children I have met in many years of working in schools. But what I love about this setting is that the children who choose more practical options instead of only GCSEs or A levels are also celebrated for their hard work. It isn’t a narrow minded ‘academics only’ school. Do we want the best plumbers and brick layers and electricians and hairdressers we can have in society - yes we do and this incredible school celebrates their success with Btecs and other qualifications as much as it does the pupils who achieve all 9’s at GCSE or do their gold Duke of Edinburgh or play county/academy sport, of which there are many. And what I love best about this place of learning is that that it is achieved without segregation. There is no entrance exam. There is no barrier to join based on ability to pay. The school welcomes all children with open arms and encourages them to be the best version of themselves they can be and it is truly a humbling thing to witness.

LiterallyKnowsBest- sorry it's a typo - should read DS. Also, I am on the other side of the world so it is late afternoon - not the middle of the night. I am not worried about him at all- he's a great kid. I just wonder if there is anything I could do to make him work a bit harder!

I think this is really tricky, especially with bright children.

Being really competitive and ambitious I think is something you are born with though I think your environment shapes the expectations you have of your life as well.

Regarding developing a work ethic when academics come easy, I've always been told learning an instrument is very helpful with that. It requires work and you can see the link very closely between effort and progress.

Also, I'd really emphasise that effort matters more than innate ability for success in life and that the consequences of coasting long term is that he might end up doing something for work that's quite dull and be very frustrated because he didn't make the effort to do well early on. I know people who this has happened too and in middle age its very difficult for them.

'Work ethic' and 'competitive spirit' are two different things.

A strong work ethic means the ability to put a lot of time and effort into something that doesn't necessarily come easily, either because you enjoy and value the subject or process for its own sake, or because you value the outcome that you hope for at the end, whether that's mastery of an instrument or craft, building a successful business, or getting good grades in an exam.

'Competitive spirit' implies that the principle motivation comes from being better than other people at whatever the task is, rather than mastering the task for its own sake.

The former is definitely an important life skill/outlook to develop, because there aren't many successful life outcomes that don't require the ability to work consistently and hard at something that is important to you.

Whereas being competitive is quite double-edged. It's useful in a sporting or other overtly competitive context, but potentially quite damaging in other fields - there are plenty of children in competitive schools who feel they've 'failed' if they only get As rather than A*s, even if that A represents a real triumph of hard work and determination. Going through life measuring your own achievements by comparison with other people's successes is not a recipe for happiness.

You don't want them to have a competitive spirit, you want them to work hard at their studies. Don't try to change their temperament - that won't work. Help them learn good life habits.

Buy James Clear's Atomic Habits. Read it yourself first and then encourage them to read it and talk about it with you. Make a plan together to develop great life routines.

I’m not sure team sports teach non sporty children anything. Other than the fairly quick realisation they won’t be in a team! They have failed to be good enough!

I do think some DC can coast and do well. They are bright enough to work when they need to. If DC have to work hard at everything all the time it’s very draining. They might also work hard for not any great success. So it has to be a measured approach. Working hard isn’t really a substitute for brains.

Thank you all for your ideas- really helpful. It never occurred to me that working hard all the time is exhausting and that putting in the effort when it matters most is what is really needed.

@barefootcook
It certainly can be exhausting and very demoralising if all that hard work doesn’t pay off.