Finding private school too….much?!

[ShellfishLove]

I have two primary aged children at private school. One has SEN and the other, by contrast, is part of the school’s gifted and talented scheme (that is not a stealth brag, it is relevant to the post). They have such a lot of work to do each day…one needs lots of help because of the aforementioned SEN and the other gets set extra work on top of the normal homework.

I’m wondering if it is really worth all the extra stress each day and if we should perhaps take them out and put them in state school. Evenings are so rushed trying to get through all the work, plus dinner, shower and other clubs. I feel like I’m not enjoying their childhood, and neither can they, as there is always this cloud of homework hanging over us day after day.

Has anyone made the move and been happier as a consequence?

Discuss it with the school we informed ours we won't be doing all the home work every week. They were actually okay with it

If your children have extra work, you need to drop the clubs.

I can’t answer your question as only time will tell but can they stay in school to do prep? That way you can have quality family time in the evening?

This is what we do - both children with SEN - and both seem to work better in school than at home.

DD is in year 5 at private school and gets about 20 mins maths and 20 mins English, to be done over one week. Any other work (art etc) is optional. Obviously they’re also expected to read regularly and fill in a reading record but that is no hardship eg “I read Beano.”

Discuss options with your school. They may be under the impression that you want homework, many parents do. I know one mum who keeps complaining there isn’t enough at ours 😬

I think a move from private to state would throw up different and much bigger issues than too much homework eg bullying, noisy classes etc etc but of course do as you wish…

Definitely talk to the school before you seriously consider moving.
Don't drop clubs to accommodate homework, that's just ridiculous for primary school children.
How much homework can you manage each night?
Maybe start by telling them how much you can manage each day ten seeing how they want you to prioritise.
I think there's a fair bit of evidence saying that homework at primary level doesn't make a huge difference to progress.

Thank you, everyone. I didn’t even consider discussing a reduction in homework, so I think I’ll go down that route before we think about moving them. I think I’m just so worried that the daily pressures are just taking away the enjoyment of parenting as I feel like I’m constantly nagging.

Thank you.

Good luck op, I think you're are really valid concerns. A playful relaxed childhood is so important to long term welfare.

Hope the school is receptive.

The only thing I would say with switching to a state school is if you have a v bright one and one with SN then you will very possibly have to do a lot outside school to give them the support they both need. State schools don’t have the same resources, so if your kids have extra needs you normally need to support out of school. So I think you may be throwing yourself out of frying pan into fire..

We recently moved my child to state from private primary. I was concerned at the bigger class sizes and potentially not being as academic.
Whilst I would say there is disruptive behaviour in the state school, it is dealt with swiftly and only more of it because there are more kids if that makes sense rather than the class being out of control? My child has gone from feeling like they were struggling to keep up with the workload to feeling confident in their abilities. They are more open and confident which I wasn't expecting. I dont think I'd realised the academic pressure was as present as it was in the private school . Its like a weight has lifted off my child's shoulders. I'm not concerned that they aren't achieving though - if anything they are more positive about what they are learning. To be honest I am massively relieved to not have to put my child through the ridiculous entrance exams and "interviews" for private secondaries - soul-crushing nonsense and I'm so pleased I don't have to chat with competitive school mums about it either. In short state is not a bad option. Certainly private isn't right or better for everyone. We do lots of after school activities and not a lot of homework. My child is becoming very well rounded and has a life outside school. Happy days.

I think as a society we expect way too much from our children. They are ridiculously over busy and don’t have enough time to be children and explore at their own pace.I would put a happy childhood first and do whatever you think it takes to achieve that. For us is it a little state primary with lots of outdoor space, minimum homework and lots of time after school to just read and play and relax. DC do one sports club at weekends, one musical instrument and swimming lessons. That seems more than enough to me. Lots of local friends, lots of family walks, we eat together lots so we can have discussions and we spend what we might have spent on private school on family trips to museums, galleries, musicals, interesting foreign holidays and books, books and books!

Mine joined their private school for last couple years of primary.
We were told by school that homework should take no more than 40 mins a night for upper primary. If it wasn't finished by that point we should leave it and let the teacher know. So I think you need to speak to the school.

Could your children do any of their clubs in school to ease your evening rush? Lunchtime or after school?
Mine have a big choice of free clubs and at that age they did 2 clubs a week in school from 4-5pm to cut down on after school care costs.

We moved our children from a private prep to a primary state school. The private school had lost it's way while we were there. They were obsessed with marketing things like the forest school and promoting charities ... , while basic things like communication and organisation were abysmal. There were parents buying influence for their children at the school and teachers acting totally unprofessionally (far too familiar with some parents).
I also found as a parent with children in private school there was a massive expectation to attend so many events. school plays, music recitals, far away sports events , ......

Our children had no issues moving into the state system. I found the state primary school sticks with the basic fundamentals of learning. It was a welcome relief changing schools......
Personally I think at this age children should just be firming up on times tables , learning spellings and reading every night.

Also echo what a previous poster said, our child went from feeling like the bottom of the class at private , now they are in all the top groups for Maths and English..... It's helped their confidence massively .

I don’t think it’s worth it. My children went to a basic primary school in a very deprived area, where the focus was mostly on English and Maths, but their primary years were relaxed and non pressured. They had loads of time after school to play, they just did two or three activities a week but could have done more. Friends with children in the local preps have such a busy schedule and by year 4/5 they’re adding in tutoring for 11 plus and independent entry too!

My children both got into the same selective schools as the prep school children with no pressure and had a stress free childhood. There’s enough pressure at secondary from year 9 or so anyway, it’s a shame for it to ruin the primary years too.

@crazycrofter

I don’t think it’s worth it. My children went to a basic primary school in a very deprived area, where the focus was mostly on English and Maths, but their primary years were relaxed and non pressured. They had loads of time after school to play, they just did two or three activities a week but could have done more. Friends with children in the local preps have such a busy schedule and by year 4/5 they’re adding in tutoring for 11 plus and independent entry too!

My children both got into the same selective schools as the prep school children with no pressure and had a stress free childhood. There’s enough pressure at secondary from year 9 or so anyway, it’s a shame for it to ruin the primary years too.

Totally agree.

I often think private give a load of homework as parents expect it.
There's little evidence that it's effective and just causes tension for many. Children are better having fun learning & doing a range of extra curricular stuff / playing

@Tulips00998124

We moved our children from a private prep to a primary state school. The private school had lost it's way while we were there. They were obsessed with marketing things like the forest school and promoting charities ... , while basic things like communication and organisation were abysmal. There were parents buying influence for their children at the school and teachers acting totally unprofessionally (far too familiar with some parents). I also found as a parent with children in private school there was a massive expectation to attend so many events. school plays, music recitals, far away sports events , ......

Our children had no issues moving into the state system. I found the state primary school sticks with the basic fundamentals of learning. It was a welcome relief changing schools......
Personally I think at this age children should just be firming up on times tables , learning spellings and reading every night.

Wow it’s like you are describing the private school my ds was at, it literally had those exact issues! We didn’t move to state but did move him to a different private school which we are very happy with.

You could try doing the homework by time, not completion.

So if it's meant to take 15 minutes, then stop at 15 minutes. This has the twin advantage of not eating up lots of time and of giving the teachers a realistic view of what your DC can achieve in 15 mins. If your DC is adamant about finishing something, of course you let them, but make sure you annotate the work with the real full amount of time it took.

a lot of homework at primary school age would be a huge red flag to me.

You haven't said how old they are - if they are e.g YR/Y1/Y2 then they shouldn't be overloaded with homework (or indeed have any at all beyond spellings and reading), but if they're Y4/5/6, for example, then I think homework most nights at a prep school is normal.

Ours can stay at school to do supervised prep which is a godsend - it's time limited and they're only expected to do 30 mins on it. But there is prep set four days out of five, and they are expected to do it for that 30 mins. With the longer holidays I take the view they work hard and play hard for shorter terms, and then have longer holidays in which to relax and have more family time. We've done a mix of state and private and I'm much happier with the private. But there's a vast spectrum of quality within the independent sector, and I'm very much of the view that private does not automatically equal good.

@bluetowers

I often think private give a load of homework as parents expect it. There's little evidence that it's effective and just causes tension for many. Children are better having fun learning & doing a range of extra curricular stuff / playing

Absolutely this. I teach in a prep. I hate homework, it takes me time to set, mark, hand out, it takes the kids time to do it and I’m not convinced it has much benefit. But some parents expect it and as they’re paying, we have to set it. There’s no punishment if a child doesn’t complete it though - I teach year 6 and if they just didn’t hand it in I’d give them a bit of a lecture and expect it in the next day or two, if a parent tells me they haven’t done it for x y z reason I wouldn’t even mention it to the child!

It sounds like you have 2 children whose needs mean they can really benefit from private school advantages like small classes. Have you considered moving them to a more nurturing/lower pressure private school? State would be a big change.

I think the extra homework for the gifted and talented child should be optional - the whole idea is to stretch him or her and if it is undue pressure and he or she not keen/not desperate to do it alone - I would leave it. I would tell the teachers to set it with no expectation of it being done. Or perhaps the type of homework isn’t right?
Re SEN, the more 1 to 1 from both a calm parent and a teacher/TA could make a big difference in the long run but there shouldn’t be any pressure. Even our state primary does extra homework and extra morning classes for the SEN children and some have 1 to 1 TAs.
If the children are otherwise happy and you can afford the fees easily I would just have a word with school. The state primary my 2 children are in is wonderful academically and there are tons of clubs to sign up to but my gifted child was moved to prep for the combo of sports/music/drama and academics and really thrived. He was bored in the outstanding state primary - they couldn’t cater for him. But he is very different from his siblings - multiple sports team, 3 instruments at high levels for his age, drama and top in maths, English and computing. Never tired and just thrives on it all.

Hello

Extra homework needs to be optional.