catholic families who have chosen to not send their children to a catholic school

[twinsetandpearls]

DD is currently at a catholic primary which apart from class sizes we are generally happy with and I feel our family gets a lot from being part of a catholic community.

We are about to move as we want to take dd out of this town and we are in the process of enrolling dd at St Mary's Hall Stonhyhurst. The results for a selective school are not amazing but I passionatly wanted to keep dd in a catholic school.

But this would mean a 45 minute commute for me every day and a smallish commute for dp. The fees are huge as she progressed but family have offered us help so we are not too worried about that. I am not happy in my present teaching post and have been looking for jobs near Hurst Green so that I would not have the commute and could be closer for dd school activities. The jobs are just not there, especially at a comparable salary to what I am on now.

I have seen however a job at a grammar school in the North which if I got it would offer me comparable pay with less responsibility meaning more time for dd and dp which is a huge issue ATM. Dd however clearly could not go to STonyhurst and it would make sense to send her to the girls equivalent of the school I would like to work for. But it is not a catholic school and that for me is a huge emotional and spiritual sacrifice. But the grammar school is a better school.

I suppose the question is If your faith is important to you what should guide your choice of school faith or academic results.

I am surprised I am having second thoughts as I am in love with SH as is dd.

Celia it is all about trying to get that balance of faith and ease of life.

Sending dd to Stonyhurst is what I want to do but I also want to get another job as my current job is having a negative impact on my family. I don;t want to take a paycut and can't afford to if I am to pay school fees so the pool of jobs I have to choose from is limited. I could teach in Manchester for example but live near Stonyhurst for dd school but that would mean me commuting for at least 45 minutes a day not accounting for commuter traffic. That means 2 hours a day that could be spent with dd and great expense just so dd can got to a certain school.

I don;t know my head is in a pickle

tommy - give me a clue !

I went out with a boy from Stonyhurst when I was at school... I wondered of you were the sister of his mate (who my friend went out with)?!

i am so at this thread.

i had no idea that parents wished to have that level of control over their childrens' lives,and i couldnt pass by without another comment as i find this discussion painful to read.

maybe you should send your child to the school that is best for them from an academic viewpoint and allow them to choose their own faith whan they are old enough?

My dd does want to go to Stonyhurst , she thinks it is the most amazing school in the world.

When dd is old enough she will be free to choose her faith or to reject faith if that is her wish. She would still be welcomed at Stonyhurst if she rejected her faith as there are children their from non religious familes. I am equally certain that there a re teenagers from very catholic families who have chosen to reject their faith as well.

Although my dd is raised in a catholic household she is not overly controlled or forced into believing anything. My dd enjoys going to church and loves exploring her religious and cultural heritage. I acknowledge that I am influencing her and that she will want to do what makes me happy and that if I had different spiritual beliefs she would probably follow those.

As I said earlier I want my dd to have more from her education that academic success, I do want her to be immersed in her faith but that is not all Stonyhurst has to offer. The extra curricular activities on offer will ensure she has a truly special education rather than bog standard or being crammed in an overly academic school.

Xenia. I went to a Catholic State school and I'm from an Irish working-class background. Nevertheless, I like to think that my school taught me how to make a good point without the need to be offensive.

Incidentally twinset, I sympathise with your plight. Stonyhurst is a magnificent school which would instill in your dd a strong and unequivocal Catholic faith. Nevertheless, you must take every aspect of your lives into account when making such a decision, not least the arduous cummute you would have to undertake.
Having recently faced a similar dilemma my advice is simply to listen to that little voice in your head that is giving you your answer. It is undoubtedly correct.

Wondering whether in the longer term a job of the type/reimbursement you're looking for might realistically become available nearer to SH? I think I might consider the 45+ minute commute for a certain period. However, I can well understand that it isn't ideal.

tommy - no that's not me (I was intruiged and wracking my brain to think who might know me -I could only think of a friend called Thom who nearly went to Stonyhurst !!!)

Hi-jack alert (apologies Twinset):

Have just re-visited this thread and DeathbySnooSnoo's comment is puzzling me.

I'm sorry you are finding this thread painful to read but genuinely don't understand why.

When people of a particular faith, whether Catholic, Muslim, Jewish or other, are anxious for their child to be brought up in the same religion as themselves; ie instill them with the tenets of that faith and follow its rituals and traditions, is that now to be construed as having an inappropriate level of control over that child's life?

I don't know any child who has been brought up without a faith to go out and find one for themselves in later life. It doesn't work that way. You usually first have to understand and practice a faith in order to reject it later or adopt another.

If my child wishes to choose a religion different to our own once she is at an appropriate age to make that choice, then that will be fine with me. Until then, I defend the right to bring her up in the faith I practice (however badly)!!

Hope you'll forgive this long post but have sat through quite a few dinner parties recently holding my tongue while fellow guests have felt it perfectly acceptable to belittle and ridicule my faith - hence this rant!!

well twinset, I went to a catholic primary and a catholic secondary until the age of 14, when we moved. Although the town we moved to had a catholic secondary, it also had a "better academically" grammar school.

I wasn't given a say, as far as I remember, and was sent to the grammar.

I always regret my mum having made this decision. While possibly better academically, the pastoral care was shit. I was deeply unhappy there. But more importantly, my catholic education ended there. I feel I never learnt so much that I should have. I regret very much that this important part of my life was just removed. Just stopped dead.

I guess you need to question very carefully with what, if anything would/could fill this gap. It is clearly important to you, and may be something that has far reaching consequences.

I am possibly looking at moving back to UK in a couple of years time and I am looking forwad to the fact that my kids will (hopefully) be able to attend a catholic school. I will def. choose it over a grammar/higher achieving school.

Difficult one, it's a very personal choice. I'm not a particularly devout RC but hope to send my DS, currently at RC primary to the RC high school next year, passing 2 CofE schools with better results on the bus journey.
My sister is a real 'holy joe' a pillar of the church and has sent her son to the non-dom grammar school, I was shocked! I can't understand her decision and she probably can't understand mine.
Just do what feels right for you.

Countingthegreyhairs I can understand why faith is hard to understand from an outide perspecttive tbh.

SSStollenzeit that is probably the best answer, but I am also very unhappy in my present post and the hours I am having to work are ridiculous and causing real problems at home. Again it goes back to getting that balance between our faith, dd education and acheiving harmony at home.

Ernest my mum also ended my catholic educatio abruptly when we moved and I too feel I missed out as well as feeling as if I didn;t fit in. Perhaps that is why I am so keen for dd to have a Catholic education. I ahd not considered how my own school experiences may shape what I am doing with dd.

Message withdrawn

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Yes my faith blows hot and cold, I think that is just part of being a catholic! But what never goes is my very strong identity as a Catholic woman and that has carried me through some very difficult things in my life and it is a gift I would love to pass on to my dd.

I was kept on the straight and narrow in a Catholic school, I look back now at my primary years and realise I actually had quite a shit life and very little going for me but my primary school was a haven and somewhere I always felt special. When I left catholic education I did begin to loose that feeling of purpose and specialness and went off the rails. Dd has a good life in comparison to me but there are some difficulties and I want to find a school with excellent pastoral care that can support dd as she grows and realises that perhaps her life is not as rosy as it would appear at first glance.

I'm sure there are good secular schools out there, but the pastoral care in the catholic schools I attended or worked at was totally outstanding and for me a very important factor.

Twinset - yes, I suppose so, I often don't understand it from an inside perspective frankly it was just that the words 'painful' and 'control' riled me somewhat ....

I blow hot and cold too... but even Mother Theresa had doubts ....!!

To get back to the issue: are you any closer to making a decision? Do you have a deadline?

There are so many different views expressed on this thread which demonstrates that there are probably no "right" answers, only what you "feel" is best for you and yours. Hope all our conflicting views haven't made it harder for you to come to a decision though!!

Which activities outside of school could she realistically become involved in which would ensure her getting that feeling of purpose and specialness if you chose the secular option? I had a bit of a google to see what youth things are available there but nothing much came up. Obviously you need to keep in mind time restraints at secondary level with homework, friendships, hobbies.

Can you speak to someone at this other school about the pastoral care there and find out what they offer? Possibly it would put your mind at ease to realise how good it actually is in this regard.

ctg, posts like that show too how wide the gulf is

Argh I can't express anything clearly this morning.
ctg, I meant posts like the one you were referring to not your own.

Yes,indeed SSStollenzeit - don't worry - message understood

Good idea to check out pastoral care at other school I think

I moved my children out of a private school and into a state Catholic primary. Yes, you read right!

I'm not convinced that the academic results of a school are the best indicator of what is right for your child. I honestly believe in finding the right 'fit' for your child - there's nothing worse than finding you've sent your child to an expensive or high attaining school only to find out your child is miserable.

I also don't believe that your Faith at home is enough to educate your children - we are Catholic but my children get so much more from their Catholic school than I could provide. They cover topics in depth with teachers who know how to answer their questions. My childrens' school is well known in the area for turning out well educated, well mannered, well rounded and spiritually aware children.

Contrary to one of the other comments here, Faith schools are recognised as doing a lot better than some of their secular counterparts.

School is just the start of education - Life is the bigger challenge.

I am not that much closer, i think I am leaning towards Stonyhurst again although dp is leaning the other way.

I genuinely don't think tbh once she is at a private school she will have much room on her life for much else other than perhaps a church on Sundays. I know at Stonyhurst it is very full on and packed but maybe other places are not the same.