argh -- situation at school and want opinions

[JJ]

My son has just started a new school (he's 6, will be 7 in Jan) which is huge compared to his old school (36 kids from 3years old to grade 7). So I feel like I have no experience with school stuff....

Anyway, the situation is that he's been playing a "silly fighting game" at school. It's probably fairly innocent, as it's a relatively small school (not compared to our last, obv), but a girl did get hurt today. It was an accident and I believe it's my son's fault (she got scratched on the eyelid and his fingernails are deadly at the best of times -- can't cut them shorter without drawing blood, but they still scratch). He was called out of class to talk to the form 4 teacher and was, because of this (and his general lack of focus) had to stay late to finish his spelling.

My initial reaction is to talk to his teacher and the form 4 teacher about how to make him understand that this is not ok and to let him know that we (the teachers and I) are all on the same side. I also would like him to apologize to the girl's mum, if we see her. Is this overkill?

There was a group of them and it was boys against girls with the girls playing willingly. But I don't think it's an appropriate play as someone could (and DID) get hurt.

Advice from teachers in their teacher hats and parents alike most appreciated.

What about writing a simple letter of apology instead? If it was a genuine accident (which it sounds as though it was) then a face-to-face apology may be a little too much IMHO.

Message withdrawn

JJ: Yes, I would definitely have a chat with the teacher, to swap ideas and strategies; but also as you say to let him know that all the adults are in agreement, and that you share information.

When we had some hiccups with ds1 in yr1 his teacher suggested doing this; when there were any 'incidents' he informed me of them in front of ds1, so that it was clear to ds1 that all the adults knew everything that was going on, and were in agreement with one another.

Anyway - for him it was very much coming to terms with a big school and learning about appropriate playground behaviour. (He'd never been in a playground before ever, and there are 180 children in KS1 playground.) But school have a very strict playground discipline policy and he very soon settled down to comply with the rules.

I don't think it's overkill - you don't have to make a huge deal of it, just agree that he'll say sorry and not do it again.

Thanks. It's been hard adjusting to a big school where we're the odd people out.

This is one of those things that I don't think I could do without backup.

So thanks. Coppertop, Yorkiegirl, roisin and WWW, thank you for being that. Roisin, esp helpful to know it's normal.

Hi JJ. Agree with the consensus. Talk to the teachers so your son knows you are acting in unison and also to make sure aplogies were said. Do you know exactly how this playground game works? could you talk to your son about it to get him suggesting ways he can be more careful when he plays it.

If you see the girl's parents in the playground at pick up time, you could strike up a conversation. Say in passing you are sorry about the girl's scratch and hope she is ok now etc etc. Not a full blown, abject apology, as presumably the school have dealt with it, more a bit of friendly diplomacy, as you are new to the school and want to get to know other parents.

Thanks again. He's off to school now with freshly cut and filed nails and we had a long talk this morning about not playing the game.

Have asked to talk to the teachers, too.

I think it would be more appropriate for your son to apologise to the girl, not her mother. Accidents happen and I tell my boys that, even if it is an accident, they should always apologise if they hurt someone.

Put it down to experience, getting used to a new, much bigger and busier environment. My boys are always coming home with the odd scratch or bruise and I don't expect an apology from the child that inflicted it or their parent. I would, however, expect the child to apologise to my child.

JJ my DD was scratched on the eyelid and down one side of her face by a little boy at her school during a "war" game just last week, so I have been on the other side of the fence. There was no permanent damage, and we trusted that the teachers who told us about the incident had dealt with all the apologies and making friends stuff. We certainly didn't expect any apology from the little boy's parents, and presumed that our DD was as much at fault as anyone. The kids are all still friends, and the whole school has had a little talk about fighting games. I think its incredibly common, perfectly normal, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Hope this helps!