School Refusal - Help!

[BeeEm]

Hi - This is my first post here so be gentle with me! (have been reading for a while but not plucked up courage till now. apologies - this may be long.
i'd appreciate some opinions about DD2. she's 9.5 and always been - for want of a better word - 'difficult'. strong willed, stubborn, argumentative, yet kind, loving and sensitive.
The last few weeks she has been almost impossible to get into school. i have to physically pick her up and drag her into school, kicking and screaming. I have not given in and let her have any time off. Her own reasons for not wanting to go is that she has a tummy ache and feels sick all the time.
She had a bug about 4 weeks ago and was sick for the first time ever which scared her. Then had a few 'friendship issues' with another girl in her class. - school good about this and has sorted it out. DD2 has said this isn't the problem. Shes got lots of good friends. Has a (fairly) normal ordinary family. No traumas. And no amount of explainations or reasoning gets through to her.
I've explained that being stressed and anxious makes you feel rubbish - doesn't believe me. Took her to the Dr this week - bloods done - all normal. Oh and she's also given up eating! anything! for days!
This morning - wouldn't get out of bed, wouldn't get dressed, didn't eat breakfast, ran away and had to be bundled into the car, wouldn't get out of car, wouldn't go into school, wouldn't let go of me, had to be dragged away screaming. again.
I'm waiting for Head to ring me back! aaaarg
if you got to the end of that well done.
any ideas?

These articles are from home-education sites but you might find them useful
School anxietyfrom www.education-otherwise.org
and
school phobia from www.home-education.org.uk

Hormones?

I wonder if it would be a good idea to ask the doctor if she could be seen by someone for depression. I know this sounds weird but she sounds depressed for me, and it does happen in children, nit just adults. BTW I would be more concerned about the not eating.

My initial thought was is she being bullied? You say she's had probs with another girl at school and although it may seem sorted out, even little things can seem traumatic.

Does she get on with the teacher and how is coping with her school work?
There's usually a reason for them not wanting to go to school and 'tummy ache' is often the first thing they'll say so as not to go. Or she could actually have a sore tummy from nerves about going to school.

Even if she isn't being bullied, as a stranger reading your post, I'd assume something wasn't right at school.Hopefully though, there's not much wrong and she'll be fine after the xmas break - I think they're all desperate for hols as they're all so tired.

Sorry, not much advice, but maybe you should ask your gp to refer you to your local CAMHS for an assessment. Perhaps your daughter has an anxiety disorder, and if so then counselling may well help. My friend's daughter had something similar to your dd and had a course of cognitive behaviour therapy which she found v. helpful. She still gets anxious but has learned ways of controlling it.

Best of luck, sounds v. stressful.

ps - the not eating thing could be her way of controlling a situation she perhaps can't control at school.

My DD did this at a similar age, although she wasn't ill first. I used to drag her into school kicking and screaming and have to get the Head to take over. One solution is to contact the Educational Welfare Officer who can arrange to come and collect her from home and take her to school for you (we got as far as having him round but I can't remember whether we actually sent her with him- DD is now 21!)

The only other thing that we learned from bitter experience was that she was clearly really unhappy at school. She never said anything directly, and she had plenty of friends, but her personality changed overnight when she started secondary. Gone was the screaming spitting monster we had to fight with every morning to be replaced by a well mannered and pleasant little girl. I don't know if it's the same for yours but with hindsight I wish we'd moved her.

I don't know how you get to the bottom of it but that was our experience. Good Luck

Cheers ladies
head has rung back - has had a talk with dd2 - want to get dd2 to come into school 5 minutes early to help another younger child with their own reading. thinks it will be good for her self esteme. dd2 has agreed so we'll see.
from what ive seen on tinternet she does seem to be over anxious - verging on phobic - (dd2 not head). and yes mumble - i do think the eating is a control thing - at least she doesn't weigh too much for me to hoik out of the car!
can be flippant about it now but having her so unhappy is so awful. i cried in waitrose this morning!

Firstly a huge hug.

I know exactly what you are going through, as I experienced this with my son last Easter. It got to the point where I just couldn't physically get him. The head advised us to ask our GP for a referal to a psychologist. The referal took over three months, by which time we had been back to the GP and asked for a referal to a private child psychologist. (It might be worth considering taking aout health insurance before aproaching GP, as private psychologists don't come cheap)

To cut a very long story short we eventuallly decided to change schools, and DS is now blisfully happy at his new school. Obviously this was a last resort decition.

Just want you to know you are not the only person to fo through this.

Oh, and your DD does sound like she has a similar personality to my DS.

How stressful for you all BeeEm....Haven't really got anything to add other than to agree with a few other posters and say my ds's best friend went through this last year and it was so awful to watch,.. in the end his parents moved him to another school where he settled in much better and seems quite happy now. He was 7.5

You might find the book "Getting Your Child to Say Yes to School" by Christopher A. Kearny helpfull. It has a whold chapter on children who refuse school to avoid general distress. However sypathetic the school staff may be, it is unlikely they have had any training or much experience of school refusal. The staff at my sons previous, highly aclimed school certaily didn't. I felt like sending them the book, as I only read it after we'e moved schools.

Sorry to ramble, but my ds's school refusal was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and it seemed nobody could offer me any real support.

Good luck

My sympathy, beeEm. My dd had a mild phase of this (aged 9 too) and even that was distressing and worrying.

Eventually came out that she was worried about a new teacher, whose reputation had preceeded her (bit of a witch!)

I think the head's suggestion about helping is a good one to try.

What worked for dd was when she kept going on and on about tummyache, we took her to the GP (who had been forewarned) and the GP checked her over and pronounced her fit and said very clearly 'Off to school with you, young lady!'

My dd is really hard to get to school and is always complaining of tummy ache and headaches. It hasn't got as far as me having to drag her though. Her main isssue is that she never gets any alone time at school. She is a very quiet child and finds it hard to be surround by people all the time. She has asked me if I will home school her but its not really an option as I have her baby sister at home all day and her other sister is only in nursey in the mornings. I also worry that if she doesn't go to school she will never socialise with anyone as she is quite shy.

At my last school (secondary, so may not be applicable) we ran a quiet club - a room where students could go at lunch time to do quiet things. The only rule was no noise!
It helped some of the quieter, more anxious ones.

My dd 7.5 also goes through stages of school refusal (since age 5). She's generally happy at school and although she has some friends none are close and she quite often plays alone through choice.

She just prefers to be at home with me, but I make her go in and have explained to her that it is the law. She is also a sensitive girl and I think school is just too busy for her sometimes. However, my dd also quite likes the attention of being taken into class by a teacher, although she is younger.

She has just joined the brownies and totally loves that

I really hope that her head's suggestion works for you all. I am so glad the school are taking it seriously. Good luck.

Awwww Bee. It is so awful when they are like this. So emotionally draining for you!

I'm glad the head seems proactive.

Dd has the option now of spending lunch time in the library (now that she's a junior) and that seems to have made a huge difference to her school refusal (similar to angelstar, she gets overwhelmed and needs her space).

It does sound like a lot of things have happened in a small amount of time and snowballed on her (the illness, the friend thing).

and I would agree with everyone who said talk to the GP.

You really want to nip it in the bud now - especially the whole not eating thing.

It may be that the anxiety is making her feel nauseous and she doesn't want to be sick but it might be better to seek an opinion in case it starts to develop into a control thing.

Bee, this could have been me you are describing, when I was little. I had the same problem. The reasons were compound...my parents were a bit depressive/ anxious, which I picked up on.
I had an exceedingly nasty teacher aged 8 - loads of us were bullied by her, she was sacked years later...but my mum was scared to stand up to her, which meant I never felt I was safe. (scared of school and parents helpless). Also the first time my mum had been away was that year - she went on a course. I was so scared by that too.
I had to perform in a concert when just dad was there, I threw up my dinner and since then have always felt terrified of performing, and phobic about being sick.
I developed nervous ticks, fear of eating, fear of school, drifted away from my friends.
By year 6 I was a wreck and suffered panic attacks (academically great, emotionally sunk!) which were eased by my being assigned a 'special companion' who was a girl I already knew - she stayed with me when I refused to go to assembly etc. and we just sat in a little room, safe. One day I got the confidence to start joining in again but it took a while - placebo tablets from my Dr, to take when I felt 'funny', also helped. My mum was freaked out by my worrying behaviour, especially my school phobia, but despite her I got past it pretty much. She was the least helpful person in it all because she was afraid I wasn't 'normal'.
Please stop dragging your daughter into school. Plenty of kids go through this, it isn't weird or mad, she is hjust a scared kid. My own anxiety developed into anorexia later, so be careful how you handle it. I know you'll do your best but it needs a lot of mothering, lots of cuddles and almost 'babying' combined with a sense that she has control of the situation, not going to be forced into things etc. will go a loooong way to her recovery.
For me I think the underlying thing was just a terror of no one being strong enough to 'contain' me - my anger, my fear, my feelings in general - as my mum was so strung up all the time and actually couldn't cope with me being anything other than fine - which led to panic attacks.
She will be fine, just let her know you're there for her and you don't think she is odd.
And I hope that doesn't sound like I'm blaming you, I'm not, I just feel for children in her situation and can relate to it very much.
You are a great mum, reassurance is the key. Good luck x

..hope I didn't scare you off...

sorry if I did, really, honestly no harm intended, you sound like a smashing mum and she is lucky that you cared enough to post on here and ask for advice.

I really didn't mean it to sound like I was having a go at you in any way.

Books, pyschologists experts, etc will often blame parents for a childs school refusal.
Was it the birth of two younger siblings that made my DS so nervous at school? Was it our house move? Was it because DH worked six days a week? NO - it was the school wasn't a healthy environment for my DS.

The differences at his new school are;
*No crowds of children charging in to school at the begining of the day.
*Smaller playground, with 100, rather than 400 children outside at one time. Better supervision on the playground.
*A lunch club where a limited number of children can spend lunch times (DS goes every day, and he can also eat his lunch there, avoiding the noisy lunch hall)
*An area where DS can work outside the class room if the class envionment is too much for him. - His previous school were completely flumoxed when I sugested this.
*No weekly spellings or times tables tests.
*The teachers also seem prepared to accept differences(quirks)in each child, and have an understanding that children are children, WHO NEED OT BE LOOKED AFTER

Oh, and he was made the class register
monitor which has given him a real sence of repnsiblity and pride.

I have learned that it is so true that unhappy children don't learn. Accademically, DS missed a year of school, and I saw a huge regression in his work. Fortunately, it has only taken half a term of being happy to catch up., and his school work is now quite birlliant, if I do say so myself.

I'd ask your daughter what she wants.

That school, under a different circumstance? (e.g. going in earlier, changing classes blah blah)

A different school?

Or no school at all.

I'd rather turn my family arrangements upside down (become a WAHM, down-size to a smaller house so you can live on reduced income, whatever) than not listen to a child in such clear trauma. Maybe she just doesn't suit school, and I'd rather go with that flow. Why not ask the doctor to sign her off for a fortnight with stress, and then see what happens - and reassure her that if she doesn't want to go back to school after that, you won't make her. I'd predict that either she'd be delighted to go back to school after a break, or she wouldn't go back to school - and you'd have your happy child back.

there's a support group here:
[email protected]

So Friday - went o.k ish. DD did the reading with other child and seemed fine with it. I dropped her off in the library and scarpered sharpish. Saturday - o.k. went to friends party no problem.
Today - building up again! stroppy, angry, clingy etc etc.
Changing schools - travel nightmare but could probably manage it - she doesn't want to. Me staying home - Can't do it - I work full time - varying shifts - yes she hates it. but financially have to.
her staying home - also really really don't want her to - i don't think i'd ever get her back again.
what she wants is for me to give up work and for her to give up school. Both not going to happen!
on the plus side she seems to be eating again =- toast and biscuits!
Thanks for your support - we'll see what tomorrow brings!

Can you work from home at all?

Are there any family members who could help look after her while you work?

Would it really be impossible to downsize home-wise so it didn't cost so much to just live?

Could she come to work with you sometimes? (obviously in some jobs it'd be impossible, but in some it might work out, at least sometimes)

I don't mean to be aggressive at all, I'm just trying to help advocate your daughter's point of view, because she's probably having a hard time being taken seriously being so young!

(The nice thing about home education is that it doesn't have to be 9-3)

What does her father think? (I'm assuming he's around too) Would both of you be able to shift to 2/3 jobs and juggle looking after your daughter around that? Or can either of you work from home in your current jobs? She's not at an age where she'll need comstant 1 on 1 supervision, after all.

Bee, this is called separation anxiety. I was exactly the same. Yes, she may learn to cope but it is going to take a while, and dragging her into school is going to be counterproductive. educational psychologist is your next logical step, try to get a referral - they see this all the time and have strategies...I am sorry, it must be heartbreaking but please don't get afraid of her not going back, that is just what she will be like if you persist sending her without the emotional tools to cope with it.
It's a recognised condition and can cause damage if not handled very sensitively.
You're not a rubbish parent but there is something not right here, which is far more likely to be resolved sooner rather than later if you treat her gently

She is letting you know she needs something, I think it wise to listen to her. she is probably asj=hamed and embarrassed to ask to stay at home with you, it's great that she could say that, really it is.

I am speaking from the position that a mismanaged case of separation anxiety could very well lead to further problems later in life. Solve it NOW. My mother had to cope with an anorexic twenty something as a result of her fear of facing my very real needs as a child, so please don't put it off as it will get worse if left xx