11+ for grammar school - DC getting stressed

[greyinganddecaying]

My Dc is very academically capable, but a bit lazy (would rather be playing video games than much else!). He's really reluctant to do any 11+ practice outside of his tutoring & today got really stressed out when we tried to encourage him.

It's crossed my mind to just withdraw him from the 11+ if it's going to cause all this upset. But on the other hand I think he's bright enough to manage grammar school and it may open doors to different opportunities.

We've tried to organise lots of holiday treats, so it's not just 11+ practice each day (if we can convince him to do it). We've also tried to encourage meeting up with friends, but apparently they mainly talk about the 11+ (& how well they're getting on with practice tests) when they get together

I keep telling myself it's only a month to go, but I'm starting to think it's not worth it.

I'm glad I'm not in a grammar area for these reasons! But if you have invested in tutoring and you really want him to go to grammar, I'd be laying down the rules. 30 min practice a day then fun stuff or whatever. He needs to understand that grammar may well mean 1-2 hours homework a night so needs to get used to it

You could step back from the prep but still let him take the exam if the actual exam doesn't stress him out too much? I know some people cram daily work into the summer holidays, but if he's capable, the improvement between now and next month is likely minimal if he doesn't engage, and not worth the stress.
The sort of thing he can improve on now is timing and technique through repeated practice papers, but not enough is going to change in building knowledge to make it worth a stressful summer (IMO).

Would it work if you asked him to help you timetable it? Three times a week, one 45-minute paper each time. He chooses the times now but has to stick to them, and then it can be off the agenda the rest of the time?

He's definitely old enough to be making this decision for himself.
If he wants to go to the school, talk to him about how he should be practising. If he doesn't want to do the prep, make sure he knows that risks him not going but you can't do more than that. It's his life.

Thanks all - I'm starting to wish we didn't live in a grammar school area!

I think he really needs practice with getting things done within the time allowed more than anything else. He really enjoys tutoring, but can't find the motivation to do it outside.

We've divided up the day a bit today, with some short practice sessions in the morning, then gaming with friends/seeing friends in the afternoon. We'll see how that goes. Can't wait for the next 5 weeks to be over and done with!

It's quite normal to be stressed around exam times.

As it is only next month, perhaps cool it with the practice now and let him have fun in the holidays. He has been well prepared. I'm sure he'll be fine, when it comes to it he may even enjoy the exam; I remember I did and so did my son.

The CGP 10 minute tests are your friend. He hopefully knows it all by now so these will help his speed and keep things ticking over.

We didn’t pay an external tutor. Just did workbooks at home a couple of times a week in Year 5 and we left the main school holidays as a very light touch, just four or five ten minute tests a week. DD was not at al stressed out, the work was done after breakfast and it was only 10 minutes plus five marking / going through wrong answers.

Her friend was formally tutored three hours a day, six days a week throughout the holiday and failed the test. Her parents blamed the pressure she was under and “the system”………….

The reality is, unless you are in a super selective area then a naturally bright child can pass these tests without huge amounts of preparation. Sometimes the parents generate this massive frenzy around it and everyone joins in as they don’t want their child at a disadvantage and it spirals out of control. My DD looks back on her summer before the exams fondly and remembers all the fun stuff we did. She doesn’t once mention the 11+ prep. Her friend, however, describes it as the summer from hell. I know which one I would prefer!!

So my advice is to stand back. Come up with a low key timetable he agrees with and still have him sit the test. Then don’t mention it and don’t nag.

Interestingly I know more than one DC that were very heavily tutored for 18 months in our neighbouring grammar area who were very bright but ended up failing. I know others who did only bits in the summer and got through

We're in a similar boat - the thing is, our scores are sometimes around 60-70% on the 10-min tests, so I'm really worried that this isn't high enough. Mostly silly mistakes, but some (eg the VR) is just stuff that DD doesn't know.

Not sure whether to call it a day, as we're near London and the schools we want are heavily oversubscribed/lots of intense tutoring going on around us.

I've heard we should be hitting 85-90% at this stage - which we're nowhere close. I'm not sure if getting the scores we are, we could still somehow secure a place with luck on the day ... It's making me very anxious and stressed, and I'm really struggling not to pass it on to DD

@greyinganddecaying What sort of marks are you seeing? If they're really good, I would continue light touch/tutoring and go for it, especially if he's naturally bright.

Ours are also over subscribed massively. They say they're looking for a pass mark over 80% - we're hitting around 80%, so borderline really.

I'm starting to wish we'd not bothered at all! I guess we'll keep on going, do some timed tests to try to get him used to working quickly.

I suppose there's nothing to lose by sitting the exam at this point.

I'm a couple of years off going through this 😩 but agree with the 10 min tests after breakfast then free time the rest of the day.

What is the tutors' opinion about what he should be doing over the holidays? Would it help if the tutor sends a message of encouragement/advice to him?

If he's bright and he's averaging 80%, still put him in for the test even if he refuses prep over the holidays.

I’d still be looking to take the exam after all this time and effort. If you don’t, you’ll always wonder ‘what if…’

But I would also look to wind down the stress and make it feel more low key. That’s quite hard for parents at this stage of the game, but is probably necessary. Don’t talk about it incessantly or make it a big deal. Try to remove the conflict from it.

If it’s hard to get him to do anything without a fight, can you offer either 10 minute test per day or 2 30 minute slots per week? If he’s seeing a tutor as well, at least he will do something. You might have to accept he won’t go into the exam as well prepared as he might have, but if there is less conflict he is more likely to actually sit the exam and that, along with whatever natural ability he has and the prep he has already done might get him through.

Are you in an area where they sit it in school along with everyone else or have you had to opt in? Are most if his friends doing it? Is this his way of reacting to fear of not passing…that if you don’t take it, you can’t fail?

My DC did these exams a few years ago. With one of them, we regularly had hissy fits and saying she wouldn’t do the exam. I never argued as that would have made it worse. We always just responded calmly with ‘we don’t have to decide until the time’ and then pulled back a bit on the prep (even though our natural instinct was to ramp up) tried to do some pieces which would bring success and a boost, and then carried on. The exams were taken and passed.

I agree it’s extremely unpleasant as an experience for everyone. For me, it felt necessary to do it as a one-time opportunity and if we hadnt, I’d have spent the next 7 years having a sense of ‘what if..’. If they hadn’t passed, I could have coped better with that, as at least it had been attempted. And whilst I do think there are children who would be better placed not to take it or go through the prep and exam, for most who have a chance, I think it broadly should be a parental decision and the kids just don’t have the information or life maturity to make a judgement on this…and it is a one-time opportunity. Yes, to moving away from grammar areas in time to avoid the 11+ if it’s not what you want.

Also, a reminder that there are some brilliant comprehensive / secondary modern schools out there and I strongly believe that it’s better for a child to be towards the top of a much more mixed academic cohort than constantly scraping along at the bottom of a selective school.

Also, not all grammar schools are equal. I saw all the Bucks ones (we considered a house move) and two blew our socks off with the others feeling, well, meh. I thought our local comp offered a much better learning environment and would have opted for that over some of the grammars.

It’s also important that parental expectations are put in check. These schools get great results because they are selecting only the brightest. A school shouldn’t be judged on results alone. We are sometimes perhaps blinkered to the “best” schools not always being the “right” school for our children. Huge amounts of intense tutoring to sit a test just doesn’t sit right with me anyway, particularly in terms of social inequality for those parents who simply can’t afford it.

If he’s getting 80%s now then he stands a decent chance and if he gets in then you’ll know it’s the right place for him and you haven’t created further problems down the line as he can’t keep up.

It’s extremely hard to take the foot off the pedal, especially when you see and hear what other parents are doing with their children, but in the interests of everyone’s sanity it’s a good thing.

@greyinganddecaying That sounds great if he's getting those scores now - I would definitely keep going.

Thanks all. It's really odd in our area. We are in catchment for 3 grammar schools but only one comprehensive (I think this is only because the grammar schools have wider catchments than the comprehensives though).

I'm not putting huge value on exam results - I know a few kids in other areas whose schools only let them sit 2-3 exams as they didn't want poor grades to bring the overall school performance down so I know that there's a lot of manipulation of the figures going on everywhere.

I think you're right, that we need to agree a schedule of short bursts of practicing. His tutor suggested preparing by reading books like the classics (Treasure Island etc) and he has completely refused to do this too . I'd get him to watch the film, but as the aim is to increase vocabulary I'm not sure it would help!

My dd went for 3 hours a week of tutoring in a learning centre, she refused to pick up a single book outside of tutoring though. She still managed to get into 2 of the 3 schools she went for. The school she didn’t get into based their results on the highest non verbal reasoning score, that’s the one thing I really think you need to practise on depending on the schools criteria. If the non verbal reasonings not important to the school then I wouldn’t be making him do all kinds of crazy revision.

I saw all the Bucks ones (we considered a house move) and two blew our socks off with the others feeling, well, meh.

Please name names Zodlebud as this is where we live! My DCs are past school age now, but I'm dying to know if your opinions are the same as mine

Aylesbury High and Beaconsfield High. Dr Challoners Girls made me feel depressed!!

The Elevenplusexams forum is very good. Look at the talk pages for schools in your area. Posters there will be able to give tips but I think preparation is the only way to improve accuracy and speed(and knowing the techniques of course). The two main formats are GL and CEM.