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Original poster

Help...close independent or grammar further away?

17 replies

PlentyofButter · 04/05/2021 10:40

Just after some advice.
DD passed her 11 plus and has been offered a place at a grammar school approx 45 minutes away by train or 30 mins by mini bus. We have accepted the place and given notice and her independent (goes through to 18 and we would have kept her there had she not passed the 11 plus, she started in y2)
However I am now having massive doubts. The school she is currently in is wonderful but to be honest another 7 years of school fees will put huge pressure on us and there is DC2 to consider. However it is local she has a wonderful group of friends who live nearby and she is settled and happy and thriving and has done ever since she started . There is only one other girl she knows going to the grammar and whilst we loved it on open day and feel it will be a good fit for DD I am concerned about her having friends that are not local and the longer commute. DD has been a bit tearful and saying she wants to stay. Is this normal pre senior school jitters from her and me ? I am so very worried. Part of me just wants to keep her where she is safe and happy but the other part of me worries incessantly about the pressure on us as a family if we keep her at the indie.

OP posts:

GardenWander · 04/05/2021 10:50

A 30-min mini bus isn’t too long or arduous for a school journey. I’d go down the grammar school route and save some towards her uni/car/house deposit.

Original poster

PlentyofButter · 04/05/2021 10:52

Thank you Garden. I think it's more the having friends from a much bigger area geographically and facilitating this as she gets older which worries me. Yes absolutely, money saved on fees will be going into a savings account for a deposit for her when she is older

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Seeline · 04/05/2021 11:54

I think they do have friends from a wider area as they get older.

Presumably the grammar has quite a big catchment? If it is in a town, then the children will probably meet there for cinema, cafes, shopping etc. Can she get there by public transport at the weekends?

You will be a taxi for parties, sleepovers etc, but that would probably be the same at the private. I assume they take new children in at Y7 too, and they probably come from further afield.

Children make friends very quickly, and she won't be the only one who doesn't really know anyone else.

Aboutnow · 04/05/2021 12:31

Don’t ever under estimate the joy of local friends, I have 3 very sociable DD and it becomes even more important to them as they become older. Picking up from teenage parties at 10pm from 45 mins the OTHER side of the grammar would not be much fun for you on a Saturday night. Also mine are sporty and we spend our whole life ferrying them to training and matches, I wouldn’t want to do that at a distance and you don’t want to have to say ‘no’ to extracurricular or social life.

LIZS · 04/05/2021 12:41

Presumably there are other local children attending the grammar. Book the minibus and see how she gets on. It would probably be easier to transfer back to independent if all else fails but the financial insecurity alone means the grammar is worth a try.

mdh2020 · 04/05/2021 12:47

Both my children went to schools that were over 45 minutes away from home. It didn’t stop them having friends as most of the other children had long journeys as well. In particular my DS and his friends mostly met at the house of one boy who was the most central to their group but they all took their own soft drinks and ordered pizza. When they came here I wasn’t allowed to cater for them. Friendship groups change as they grow older and there is no guarantee that just because a school is near to you that she will make friends with girls who also live near by. School fees will always rise so that is something else to consider. Will you be able to afford the school trips? Personally I would keep her in the indie, but only if you are really sure you can afford it for the next 7 years.

Retrievemysanity · 04/05/2021 12:51

I think the move from primary to secondary is a big one for any child so jitters are normal. Change is always scary but you have to do what’s right for you as a family. If the grammar is a good fit then that sounds like the best option in the circumstances and she’ll make new friends easily I’m sure, plus there’s no reason why she can’t keep in touch with her local friends anyway is there?

Original poster

PlentyofButter · 04/05/2021 13:55

Thank you all. Yes we will.make sure she keeps in touch with local friends. Ferrying her about isn't as ideal but tbh I think it's preferable to the constant financial worry.

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Original poster

PlentyofButter · 04/05/2021 13:57

The grammar in question is Weald of Kent girls in Sevenoaks and we live in Orpington if anyone has any further insights

OP posts:

Zodlebud · 04/05/2021 14:18

This is the main problem with all through schools - it can be exceptionally hard for children when they are the only one leaving at 11 out of their friends. You can feel kind of trapped and I know two families who were in the same situation as you previously (although in a different county) who decided to keep their child at the independent. One regrets it and the other is ambivalent. They kept their children there as they were so upset at the prospect of leaving their friends.

The parents of the children who actually moved to the grammar say it’s the best decision they ever made and it’s only after leaving that they truly realised the independent just wasn’t right for their child.

Remember that local friends from the current school don’t just disappear. They are still there and can meet them at weekends and holidays. They just have new friends too. It seems scary but isn’t change scary for everyone?

MotherLand2021 · 04/05/2021 17:30

We had similar options last year - a grammar 1hr away or an indie a 15 minutes walk away. We chose the grammar for various reasons. One thing to remember is that they might be 11 when they start Yr7 but they will be 16/18 when they leave. Already since the start in September of last year, I have seen a massive emotional growth in DC, not least because of the travel and having to make new friends. I am confident that we made the right decision and that the grammar is the right school for the coming years, not just now.

Maverick197 · 04/05/2021 17:57

My DD too is the only one in her class going to a grammar 30min away and she is feeling a little bit sad at times as all her friends are going to the local school and are talking about it at school. Having been through this with my older DC's I can only say that they will find their tribe and make new friends very quickly.
I'd definitely stick with the grammar and save the money.

Original poster

PlentyofButter · 04/05/2021 18:11

These are all so reassuring especially the point about it being the right school for the coming years not just for now. I'm struggling to see beyond the first term of y7 and her getting there and back and making friends for now!!!

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PresentingPercy · 04/05/2021 21:55

If you are in a rural area, 30 mins is fairly normal. She will make friends and it’s good to have lots of choice.

I know people in Essex who gave up a through school to go to a grammar. Financially they didn’t need to but the grammars were the best academic schools and the dc are very academic so the grammars are the best fit. Staying put was second best. So take the grammar and dd will fly. She will only see friends at weekends anyway.

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2021 21:59

We chose Private in this situation but The Private school is very very close. We also used State Primary so had money saved from that and DD was offered a 25% scholarship too. Also we were pretty sure DS wouldnt get into Grammar and we wanted them at school together eventually

dottiedaisee · 04/05/2021 22:01

Am guessing she will be at the Sevenoaks site so she will definitely have girls there from the Orpington,Shoreham ,Eynsford direction so her friends are more likely to be fairly local .

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 05/05/2021 14:37

30 minute mini bus ride sounds great for socializing and winding down at the end of the day. I don't think it's too far at all as long as you're willing to help make weekend meet-ups happen.

Hopefully her friends will be people who take the same bus so it's not too far.

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