What can I do for a 'Charlie Bucket' at DD's school?

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

There's a girl in DD's year at school who is visibly very poor. She often attends school in pyjamas. When she does come in uniform, it doesn't fit her well. Her shoes are worn out. She smells. I used to walk the same way as her mum on the school run and have a chat and they were struggling then. More recently, her mum's disabilities have left her housebound and the family is struggling to get housed appropriately.

Charlie Bucket: it always struck me that Charlie was starving and under-dressed but nobody ever did anything to help. I don't want to be those people.

I've been a friendly face and a listening ear for the parents but only for a couple of minutes a few days a week. I don't know them well enough to ask how I can help. I can't ask them in for a cup of tea and a play date because of covid. I've bought a complete set of uniform and given it to the family worker at the school for whoever needs it but this little girl is still attending in pyjamas. She and DD are in different classes and have never been particular friends.

What else can I do to help? I'm not looking for brownie points and I would hate for them to feel embarrassed or like I'm being condescending. It doesn't help that I didn't grow up here and have an accent that local people consider 'posh'. I'm really not!

Right, suggestions I can do when school reopens:

• Make sure the family worker knows about the housing situation.
• Ask the little girl's dad if she'd like to come to the park with me and DD one day after school.
• Pass along a bag of outgrown clothes.
• Keep chatting to her dad on the school run and asking after the mum.

They're not my neighbours. They live a 20 minute walk away from my house. I don't have any contact details except the address.

I can't quite put my finger on why, but it seems offensive/patronising for you to be calling her 'a Charlie Bucket'. Tbh I feel the same, and for me I think it’s because the OP is almost fictionalising this child’s difficulties. Charly Bucket came from a poor household, but the story surrounded him then going off on a big adventure and everything which followed that.

To refer to this child as a Charly Bucket is almost like romanticising someone’s genuine struggles.

I understand the concerns, but to compare to a fictionalised character who most children aspired to be because he got to visit a chocolate factory is inappropriate.

I think there will be far more confidential, behind the scenes stuff going on than you would be aware of. School will listen to your concerns but will not share any information about the child or family with you.

The pyjamas sounds like it could be a sensory thing. Many children struggle hugely with the sensory aspect of school uniform. There are also plenty of children with significant additional needs that don't have 1 to 1 support, even those with EHCPS.

If a child is sent to school in pyjamas then in the absence of some SEN, that is not poverty, that is neglect.

The school will provide uniform out of lost property. Maybe it isn't being washed. Even benefits pay for cheap uniform from Asda.

I would discuss with the safeguarding officer at the school, though I'm sure the school will be aware. There isn't really anything more you can do to help.

I'm somewhat confused that you feel the need to step in here at all. As if school don't notice any of the things you see.

Ok stop laying into the OP about the wording - she gets it. She’s obviously a kind lady who cares about children in her community which is more than can be said of everyone. Children have starved to death and died of neglect - children stealing bread off bird tables etc and people did fuck all.

I don't hold any romantic notions that I can somehow solve all this family's problems. I know the school can and will help. I just don't want to see a family having an awful time and just ignore the situation because someone else will sort it out.

I do think you're right though: the school and linked services can sort out the practical support like uniform, food, signposting to support with housing etc. It's the social, friendly face side that I can best help with. That's a bit tricky with Covid (we're in tier 4) but not impossible. I can invite her to the park at least.

can you support the school to support her. Like, a bag of uniform bits from the teacher, supposedly from the lost property box, that's less humiliating for the family to accept.

My DD is taller than most of her pals so I’m always passing on her old uniform to friends. I don’t think it’s “ lady bountiful” to offer that at least.... if you happen to have old uniform that would work.

Can you genuinely befriend her mum? She could be feeling very isolated if she has a disability.

@AtlasPine

Can you genuinely befriend her mum? She could be feeling very isolated if she has a disability.

It's a bit tricky because I don't have any contact details for her and she doesn't leave the house. They don't know that I know where they live either.

The school will absolutely know all of this, and they will be following all the proper steps for helping. However, if this family wont wash clothes, or even ensure that their child is clean, then continuity giving them uniform wont solve the problem.

The girl isnt dressed and smells. She is neglected. You should be phoning social services or the NSPCC. The school will be taking action, but more reports will help.

I think you need to report appropriately and then back off. Why do you have her address? If you don't know her well enough to write a letter or knock on the door then really there's nothing you can do here.

@VictoriasCousin

I think you need to report appropriately and then back off. Why do you have her address? If you don't know her well enough to write a letter or knock on the door then really there's nothing you can do here.

Agree with this. This will be a complex situation and you may soon find yourself way out of your depth.

If you really want to help children in need look at local organisations you can support/join and importantly get appropriate training/advice.

I bet the Mum would soon stop chatting with you if she knew you referred to her dd as a 'Charlie Bucket' character.
There's also a good chance she knows you know where she lives. She probably pulls her family away from the window when she sees 'the patronising woman' driving/walking past.
Just because they are struggling doesn't mean this woman is stupid.
The school are also not stupid and will be aware of the situation and will have involved the necessary agencies if they weren't already involved with the family.
Maybe the kindest thing would be to keep out of it.

Sorry, OP. It sounded harsh but the school will be aware and you really wont be thanked for what is perceived as interference.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

The school will absolutely know all of this, and they will be following all the proper steps for helping. However, if this family wont wash clothes, or even ensure that their child is clean, then continuity giving them uniform wont solve the problem.

The girl isnt dressed and smells. She is neglected. You should be phoning social services or the NSPCC. The school will be taking action, but more reports will help.

Former school teacher here - this.

I’d strongly suspect that the school will have already have sent uniform this child’s way. They can’t insist she bathes and wears it though. It sounds like she is being neglected at home. Is she old enough to bathe and dress independently?

It’s difficult due to Covid atm and very risky personally, but my mother noticed my best friend at school was neglected and as a result she ended up staying with us most weekends. My mum would run a “nice bubble bath” and ask my friend if she wanted to go in. From outside the shut door Mum would stand and speak to her through it so she had her privacy and she’d prompt her to use the flannel etc, wash under her arms etc - she’d literally never been taught. While she was in the bath, Mum ran her clothes through the wash and would often replace her old socks and undies etc with new ones without her really noticing. Same with school uniform but this was more tricky as she was bigger than me. While she’d do my hair, she’d ask did my friend if she wanted hers doing etc... She was always sent home with leftovers, sometimes a new bubble bath or flannel etc. Through seeing me at home and what a “normal” home life and hygiene routine looked like, she learned how to do it all alone when she got home. My mum got the idea from when she was little herself. She had a disabled parent and a lot of siblings and they were being neglected. A lady that had a daughter a similar age used to invite her round and while she was there taught her how to do basic cleaning and hygiene skills...ie how to wash up, how to bath a baby, how to put a wash on etc and she never forgot how much that helped her and her brothers and sisters.

As I say, not really possible during Covid times but maybe eventually in the future but only if you can be sensitive and safe about in. With total honesty however, it may be that professional support is the best option. NSPCC would be my first call. The parents clearly need support.

@ProudAuntie76
Your mum sounds lovely!

@ProudAuntie76, that's a lovely story .

I wouldnt just assume the school will handle it OP because the evidence is they cant/aren't. I would report to social services. If your child and hers are friends there may be more you can do later on.

Thanks. I think the key to it was that she’d never make it awkward or seem like charity.

For example, she’d get me in the bath first and go through the whole “now Auntie, have you put some soap on the flannel? Good girl, now rub under your arms with it...and the other one...rinse it out, that’s it. I can’t hear you splashing the water...” etc and so it wasn’t weird when it was my friend’s turn...she thought it was normal as she’d seen me go first. They’d sit on the top step and have a chat while they were waiting for me and then she’d say something like “ok Auntie, time to get out. I’ll come and clean the bath...oh hang on, Ashley are you having a bath when you get home tonight or would you like me to run you one after Ashley? We’ve got blue and pink matey...” She was just really good at not making it embarrassing. And I think she genuinely came to love her as almost like a foster daughter. She’d just come along on our shopping trips and stuff and Mum would say “Auntie, I think you need a new toothbrush/socks/shower gel, pick a colour/scent...oh Ashley, would you like one too? Go on pick some!”

It was a massive undertaking though. I didn’t realise it at the time. It literally started when I was in nursery school and finished during high school. By 6/7 she was staying with us straight from school on a Friday, only returning home on Monday morning so it did impact on family life a lot. But we knew she had a clean bed, clean clothes and a hot meal 3 nights a week (more in school hols and she even came on family holidays with us). How sad is it that her parents didn’t care their kid was never with them at weekends or hols for all their childhood? Too busy drinking and gambling.

I don’t think it was that uncommon though. My Dad’s ex girlfriend’s son was sort of “taken in” in a similar way by a school friend’s mum. So was another young lad whose mum was a schizophrenic. I only worked in schools briefly before switching to nursing but I remember there were some kids who on their file had a post it over their address saying “check with Karen Taylor mother of Kirsty Taylor Year 2 as may be staying at their house”.