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Original poster

What can I do for a 'Charlie Bucket' at DD's school?

46 replies

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/12/2020 08:07

There's a girl in DD's year at school who is visibly very poor. She often attends school in pyjamas. When she does come in uniform, it doesn't fit her well. Her shoes are worn out. She smells. I used to walk the same way as her mum on the school run and have a chat and they were struggling then. More recently, her mum's disabilities have left her housebound and the family is struggling to get housed appropriately.

Charlie Bucket: it always struck me that Charlie was starving and under-dressed but nobody ever did anything to help. I don't want to be those people.

I've been a friendly face and a listening ear for the parents but only for a couple of minutes a few days a week. I don't know them well enough to ask how I can help. I can't ask them in for a cup of tea and a play date because of covid. I've bought a complete set of uniform and given it to the family worker at the school for whoever needs it but this little girl is still attending in pyjamas. She and DD are in different classes and have never been particular friends.

What else can I do to help? I'm not looking for brownie points and I would hate for them to feel embarrassed or like I'm being condescending. It doesn't help that I didn't grow up here and have an accent that local people consider 'posh'. I'm really not!

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 29/12/2020 08:12

Did you follow up with the family worker? Who on earth else needs it more? Do you know where they live?

Could you get over your inner squeamishness about being condescending and just tell your neighbour you would like to help?

CreepyCreepster · 29/12/2020 08:15

Does the girl have any disabilities herself? It might be that she has autism for example, and associated issues with food (might have a restricted diet) and clothing (might have sensory issues with the uniform)....

LizziesTwin · 29/12/2020 08:15

You tell the safeguarding officer at the school. Each school has one and the family should then be offered more support. There should be awareness of pressures on the girl if she’s a carer for her mum.

Keep pushing & well done for noticing & being pro-active.

tinatsarina · 29/12/2020 08:17

If your daughter is roughly the same size as the girl I'd see about getting together a bag of clothes etc and just hand them directly just under the guise they don't fit anymore or she didn't like the style and could she make use of them?

WunWun · 29/12/2020 08:17

I can't quite put my finger on why, but it seems offensive/patronising for you to be calling her 'a Charlie Bucket'.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/12/2020 08:17

I would be wary op , I really dont want to sound nasty about this, but my friend was in a similar situation and very kindly helped out . Soon the father was at her door regularly asking for cash 10 pounds , 20 pounds it was relentless .
I think the best way is via the school or bundle up some worn clothes from your dd and drop them round saying you had a sort out can she make use of them

Seeing kids like that breaks my heart

SlothWithACloth · 29/12/2020 08:17

Surely the school would approach the family about lack of uniform and be able to provide her with correctly fitting uniform?
Does the school know about her situation? The best thing is to ensure the school knows what you know and they could direct support for the family and talk more to your neighbour.
If they can talk openly about struggling, you can ask if there’s anything you can help with.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 29/12/2020 08:17

Buy a set of uniform in the right size. Give it to the little girl and say your child outgrew it or you bought the wrong size and the shop wouldn’t have it back.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 29/12/2020 08:18

In the nicest possible way, there’s nothing you can do. The school will be very aware - and in fact might well have provided appropriate clothes (every school has more lost property/out grown uniform than it can deal with) - unfortunately this rarely solves the underlying problem. The school will also be giving extra food, flagging the issue with Social Services, etc.

If you can be friendly to the family, that’s a good thing. And, yes, you’re right to be concerned. But there is no way that the school staff aren’t just as concerned as you.

This might sound like I’m criticising you for your concern. I’m really not.

midnightstar66 · 29/12/2020 08:19

I think if she's attending school in her actual pyjamas then the school and family worker are well aware and there's possibly more to it. As another poster suggested maybe there are some sensory or behavioural issues. SS already involved etc. You could specify to the family worker that you want to help an individual family/child with your donations but obviously she won't be able to give you any feedback.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 29/12/2020 08:24

If you get with the Mum just continue to be friendly and supportive.
If her disability prevents her from getting out and about perhaps you could offer to take her DC to the park "as my one do with some company"
Pass on clothes and tell her a relaive gave them to you and you "don't need them"
Send a food delivery anonymously (I used Morissons for this recently and they're very good. They even have a couple of standard food parcels if you aren't sure what to send)
About the housing: This is a bit more awkward because it involves giving advice which lots of people don't like......but..Could you check she has someone appropriate working on this? Law Centre or MP?
If she hasn't and shes feeling too worn take the initiative you could maybe offer to research local services and put her in touch. Sometimes it can be really dispiriting to call places and get knocked back. So it can be helpful for someone with a little more time/energy/phone credit to check if a service is available and has capacity to help.

DinosaurOfFire · 29/12/2020 08:25

@CreepyCreepster I wondered that as well. In my experience it is unusual for an NT child to wear pjs to school over school uniform/ other day clothes even if the day clothes are ill fitting or dirty.
With the uniform, if you didn't specify which family to the family worker they may have given it to a family who need it more, the school will have a good idea of whats going on. Things have changed a lot in schools with safeguarding since Roald Dahl wrote Charlie and the chocolate factory.

HoneyWheeler · 29/12/2020 08:33

I'd go down the school route, report your concerns to the school's designated safeguarding lead. I'd dare say they're already aware if she's turning up in her pyjamas, but it is not ok if she's coming to school smelly. If you're not satisfied with their response I would report to the Front Door. It doesn't sound like this family has the support they need.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/12/2020 08:34

I don't know her well enough to know all the ins and outs of possible SEN but the little girl has always been perfectly friendly and sociable around me. She doesn't have a 1:1 support either.

These are good ideas, thanks. It's a good 20 minute walk to their house from mine but they do live quite near a park so calling for her to play isn't inconceivable.

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 29/12/2020 08:35

I work in a school in an incredibly deprived area and we have kids that come in scruffy, badly fitting clothes, clothes/shoes inappropriate for the weather, hair or brushed, no breakfast and a cold pop tart for lunch. We dress these kids if necessary and feed them. If a dc is turning up daily in pyjamas (and leaving in them too) I'm going to assume there is more to it but I can guarantee the school are well aware of whatever issues there are. We have certain dc we order extra sandwiches for, we provide food and clothes parcels and the family worker helps with housing and white goods, anything in fact. We've never had a dc appear in pyjamas though and that would be immediately investigated even if just once. You can't think if the dc is in pj's and starving every day that the school hasn't noticed.

2magpies1pigeon · 29/12/2020 08:37

What can the family worker at the school do? Can you donate to the family via the family worker? I'd chat with them, as the family will probably find it easier to accept donations from the school than from you direct.
I'd contact the mum and say that as she's not able to leave the house (presumably due to her disability plus Covid?) would her daughter like to join yours in the park after school a couple of days a week? During that playdate, give the girl some food and a chance to chat with you as well as playing with your child. I think it's easier to accept help because of Covid vulnerability than because of poverty.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/12/2020 08:37

As you say, I'm sure the school has noticed and will be offering practical support.

OP posts:
CreepyCreepster · 29/12/2020 09:03

My child is always friendly and sociable but still has significant additional needs Hmm

And a lack of 1-1 support means nothing. Only the children with the most tenacious parents get 1-1 support. It's not something children just get if it looks like it would help them!

OrangeSamphire · 29/12/2020 09:14

I’m sure support services are aware. But it’s actually extremely rare for social care to provide support that helps. Often they just parent blame and spend a lot of time doing assessments and reports. And as for the school, well, safeguarding is supposed to be their primary concern, but there is little they can actually do other than keep flagging to social services... who are next to useless.

Whatever is going on for this family, the mother is probably exhausted and lonely. If she can’t get out easily, this is probably your starting point. Be open and ask her, knowing she can’t get out easily at the moment, whether picking up some groceries for her regularly, or taking her children to the park, would help.

sleepyhead · 29/12/2020 09:32

It could be laundry she's struggling with, or they may be worried about electricity usage and limiting their hot water use.

Jollibeezus · 29/12/2020 09:36

It’s nice you want to help, but why are you calling her Charlie Bucket that’s weird and kind of insulting in itself she’s not a fictional character she’s a real person.

If you’ve spoken to your neighbour before maybe just pop a note through the door and ask if they need anything from the shop if they are ‘isolating’ and if they accept your help you can go from there

Santaisreel · 29/12/2020 09:37

@WunWun

I can't quite put my finger on why, but it seems offensive/patronising for you to be calling her 'a Charlie Bucket'.

It's awful Sad

This kind of 'put down' is usually in place to make the other person feel good.

It was totally unnecessary, rude and unkind.

MarthasGinYard · 29/12/2020 09:41

Stop with the 'Charlie Bucket' for a start Hmm

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/12/2020 09:41

You can stop calling her a "Charlie Bucket" for starters.

Original poster
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 29/12/2020 09:45

Sorry, the wording was crass. I just remember being a kid reading this book and thinking I'd never be those other people in that situation. I should keep that in my head though.

OP posts:
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