Violence at school ... what can I do? I'm so worried

[KMG]

My ds is 5, and started school two weeks ago. We've moved house, so he's gone straight into yr1 with a class of children who've done a year of reception together already. Yr1 seems to be very serious in this school - no afternoons playing that I remember from infants. But it all seems to be great fun.

Anyway, he is doing very well in class - is in the top set for every subject. He generally concentrates well, and co-operates, and works together well in groups.

However, he has been sent to the Head twice already for violence. Once for trying to hit his teacher, and once (today) for hurting some other children.

There's loads of background, of course, not sure what's relevant.

We are thrilled with the school, they are keeping us closely informed, and we are 100% supportive of the way they've dealt with these incidents. His teacher is fantastic. But I just don't know what to do. I've been awake at nights worrying about him. I hate the idea of him trying to hurt other children.

Can anyone offer any hope?

KMG - Am new to this thread and have just had a quick scan through. Glad that things seem to be improving now. Have been through similar experiences with DS1 in the past, though at the moment things are going well with him (touch wood!!!!!) I'm sure the moving schools has probably upset him more than he is able to express at his tender years (hence the bed wetting, a classic sign). I wonder if the violence was just an outlet for his frustration and confusion at the change in his life rather than the intention to actually hurt/upset another. Even the bright ones, like your ds, still don't have the vocabulary or the reasoning at age 5 to be able to talk through their problems but still need to let out their frustrations some how. Also, as he is so bright, he's cottoned on to how the school's reward system works and how he can use it to his advantage (have to say, I'm quite impressed!!) but now you've pointed this out to the school, they can act accordingly. I think the school sounds superb btw, in taking such a common-sense and supportive view of things and it sounds like your ds is genuinely well-thought of and liked by the staff. I'm sure the recent improvement in his behaviour shows that he is finally starting to settle in and feel happier in his new surroundings - that's great news

Glad things seem to be moving the right way KMG. Also a belated thank you for your explanation re your son being in y1 not reception. Sounds like looking long term you probably made the best decision - although you don't really need met to tell you that. Anyway hope your DS continues to make progress.

Chanel, glad things are going well with your ds. Welcome back and a horribly belated thank you for the pics!

Thanks Tigermoth, and glad you got the pics ok. Yes, things are going well at school at the mo, even better since dd started in reception a few weeks a go and has appointed herself the position as prize class creep!!! As ds1 and dd are so competitive of each other, he has also had to become a bit of a class creep to keep up! Mind you, life isn't all rosy here as ds2 (now 2yrs 4mths) seems to be becoming naughtier and more hyper everyday and worse, seems to be extremely proud of all the chaos he causes........think I'd better have a look at the hating toddlerhood thread!!!! He will be starting pre-school early next year, to say I'm dreading it would be an understatement! Still, atleast after my experiences with ds1, I'm prepared. Loved your ds's 'reasonings' behind having his own special chair, sounds so much like someone else I know!!!! Best wishes to you and the boys

Thanks for all your messages. Hope we have another good week! Liked the story of your son's special chair, Tigermoth! How old is your son now Chanel?

KMG - He'll be 6 next week.

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Well, we've had another good week at school - no major incidents - so we feel we're over a hurdle.

One really positive thing I wanted to tell you about, is helping out in school. I've started going in to do reading with the children. Although my motivation was fairly altruistic, i've actually seen real benefits for us. It's means I see the school from the inside, get to know some of ds's friends, and also have a chance to have a brief chat with the teachers at breaktime when the kids are out playing - thus building up relationships with the staff, and also having chance to swap information, without needing a 'formal meeting'.

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Gosh, you must have a well-supported school, with keen parents. I've never heard of a school in that situation, that couldn't do with more helpers. Your dd is very lucky.

To encourage you ... We had a little blip a week before Christmas, but other than that no problems at all for several months. DS1 and his teacher (male) are getting on like a house on fire. He's been put on a scheme for able/gifted children particularly for his reading and science. The school is wonderful, amazing, fantastic, brilliant ...

Having been sent to various senior teachers for bad behaviour last term, I was delighted to hear this term that he got a merit certificate in assembly for excellent reading, and on two other occasions got sent to see senior teachers to show them his "good work". I am so proud of him. And so thrilled with the positive approach from the school.

His teacher is lovely too, and so aware of the individuals in his class. Yesterday he mentioned to me at the end of the day that DS1 had been rather grumpy and uncooperative for two days. Dh is away this week (an unusual occurrence) which is clearly the reason. I am just stunned that his teacher spotted the difference in him, and took the time to tell me - he knew I would want to know. We've talked about it, and he's been fine today.

Teaching is an incredibly tough job (IMO). As parents our children are entirely individual, but a class of 30 has a corporate identity as a class, and it's not always easy to see individuals all the time.

Anyway, that's enough from me. Just thought someone might enjoy a positive message for once.

glad things are going so well for yuour son, KMG. My ds had a male teacher when he was in year two and they got on like a house on fire as well.

However, there were very few male teachers on the staff so it's not likely he will have another male teacher till he goes to secondary school. He's had some lovely female teachers but I do wish things were more 50/50.

Yeah, a big plus for DS's school is there are 5 male class teachers (out of 14), which is so good for the boys.

I've only just read this thread KMG, but just wanted to reassure you that I went through a stage of being quite violent towards other children when I started school. (And I've turned out OK now, honest!) I would pinch and push and scratch without any provocation whatsoever. I think I was taking out my frustrations on any other human who was near to my size. I don't think I had quite grasped the concept of 'other minds' and hurt feelings didn't occur to me. I would also bash the living daylights out of one particular doll. I was going through some pretty severe parental separation at the time, due to death and geographical separation. Obviously, this isn't the case with your child, but he just probably needs to vent. I remember not intending any harm and not being terribly clued up about consequences. It hasn't happened since (unless you count throwing a dish at DH, he he he...)
Of course, if anyone did the same to my children, I'd be mortified, and a hypocrit to boot.