School refusal/anxiety and homeschooling. Really need help.

[LokisLover]

Before lockdown my dd was having an awful time at school. So incredibly anxious about it she couldn’t get through the school gates and was off for half a term until lockdown started. She looked ill, lost weight etc. In this time the school tried to help, I asked so many times for work to keep her on track but got nothing.

Thing is since lockdown the school has provided online teaching through google classroom. DD has engaged brilliantly with this and has worked really hard. I have also helped to go through these lessons and support her in this learning. I don’t know everything of course but just being there and talking about history for example has helped her a lot.

DD is 12 and in yr7, going in to yr8 come September. She is already terrified of returning to school. We had a school letter today to say business as usual come September which has sent her in to a panic. We have been through all the reasons why she may feel the way she does, I am absolutely sure there is no bullying and no event that has triggered this school refusal. I know my dd and she is open and honest enough to have told me. She is sociable and with the friend she feels comfortable with is very happy but finds the whole secondary school system utterly overwhelming. I think she lacks confidence and has self esteem issues. She is happy to go out to other places and chat to friends on the phone etc. so the anxiety does not creep in to everything.

My heart breaks watching the anxiety surrounding school and the change in her it creates. She has been much happier and worked so hard in lockdown.

I am looking in to the possibility of homeschooling and what that really entails. At the moment I feel utterly overwhelmed with this issue. I wrestle with ‘what if I am letting her down by not making her pursue mainstream secondary school‘ to ‘how can I force her to go somewhere that makes her so unhappy’.

Has anyone experienced this? Am I unrealistic to consider homeschooling? I cannot afford private but I am also going to look in to what other schools are available. Covid has not helped the situation either as it’s been a very long time they have been out of the system.

Does anyone have any experience of school refusal and or secondary homeschooling and the reality of what it involves. I would be so grateful for any guidance. Thanks.

I home school 2 secondary age children. The eldest was a school refuser although at a younger age (yr2-3) and it was due to bullying and unmet SEN needs.

She's done exceptionally well since deregistering and is on track for GCSEs, as is her brother who chose to be home schooled too, despite having no real issues in school.

Bog-standard schooling doesn't always suit a lot some children.

Is the issue with school in general or that school? Have you asked if she would like to go to a different school?

I have a friend who homeschools their secondary age child for similar reasons, a lot more learning happening now than when trying to persuade them in to school.

I can't give guidance but I think if your child both learns more and is happier, it wouldn't be failing.

We have talked a lot about the reasons behind the school refusal and it seems to come back to a lot of ‘I don’t knows’ and I’ve managed to coax out it being overwhelmed by the amount of people, it’s very focused on academics, homework and sport. She’s very capable of the work but the setting throws everything.
I wish there was a more, creative, gentle approach to secondary mainstream but I suppose that’s why fee paying schools do.

I agree with PP... Key to me is if its that school or all schools.

Is there a smaller secondary in the area that might fit her better

That post above was really badly written, sorry!

@RubixCubix can I ask if you use any resources or groups? I got a little tearful reading your post and chance I think that come September if she refuses school again you’re right she will be learning so much less once again.
The battle I will have will be with my ex who thinks it’s mainstream or nothing.

How about an online school? Have a look at Interhigh or myonlineschooling or Netschool. It's quite often the reason children switch to online school

The other close option is single sex and I can’t see that as any better. I am going to do some research on other secondaries. I’m not sure if it is that school or all schools. It’s hard to know until we take that leap and try something else.

My Dd has been a school refuser, she is younger than your daughter and is in year 6 due to move up to secondary in September.
Her school reluctance started in year one and continued right through to year 5 when she was unable to attend school.
Over the years we tried lots of different techniques to try and beat the fear of school but unfortunately we never managed it.
By year 5 she was having huge meltdowns at home which would last hours and she also managed to escape from school.
To cut a long story short this was all due to undiagnosed asd and her needs not being met. This was picked up on by a specialist teacher who was brought in by the school.
She was diagnosed last September and since then has made great progress. Her school have been very supportive and have put in place all the adjustments that she needs.
It's still not plain sailing but she has been going to school quite happily and is also so much happier at home.
She is due to move up to secondary school in September and so far the school have not been particularly helpful about making any adjustments whatsoever but I intend to keep on fighting and if it becomes too much for her I will withdraw her and homeschool.
It might be worth looking up asd in girls, I was adamant that my Daughter did not have autism but since finding out so much about it and how it can present differently in girls I don't know how I ever missed it. Good luck I know how difficult school refusal can be

Have you got a referral to CAMHS?

We switched my son to Interhigh and I am so pleased with it. He is very bright and is really enjoying it

I would look into online schools, maybe give them a try for the last few weeks of term. Sounds like your dd has thrived with online teaching so far.

Thank you all so much for all your help and info.

We have had a Cahms referral, then lockdown happened. We have been offered online cbt but even talking and thinking about school set off panic attacks. So we have been discharged and if we need help in September we have to start the referral process again.

@dontknowwasmadetoknow I will have a look in to asd too. She had a few days in primary but the teachers there had much more time to distract her and whisk her away to do something nice and she would always come out of school happy. This secondary is a whole different thing.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you and your daughter are having a hard time. My middle child has suffered very badly with angst about returning to school, I really sympathise.

Just to say, that the choice may not be as stark as school vs homeschooling vs private school. I’m an English teacher, but having been tutoring (now doing it via Zoom) for a number of years and lots of people use me to ‘top up’. So they may decide to homeschool, but use me to help with one section of it (they often have a maths tutor too). Or some students with anxiety, go to school part-time, and, again, tutors are often used to help with this.

Just wanted to point this out, because private school is obv beyond the realm of most parents, but there are other options. I’ve told my DS that he will not be going back full-time. He’s just not. It makes him too stressed. He is much relieved about this, and feels if he can leave at lunchtime he might be able to cope! Somehow, we will make this work!

Yes, a mix of online lessons, real-life small group (temporarily online at the moment), private tutors, mum-teaching and self-teaching through text books and YouTube! Obviously the costs add up but it's nowhere near private school fees. Plenty homeschoolers manage to do it all themselves though for relatively little.

Or referral to an educational psychologist. An EP might be able to help unpick what your dd is so anxious about in the school context. A clinical psychologist might be able to do some gradual exposure / CBT to reduce the anxiety and help her get back into school. In some areas, a school nurse or family worker might be able to help with this too.

I was trying to push that through Cahms Neolara so come September if the cbt hasn’t helped I’ll try that again. I just can’t afford to do it privately unfortunately especially if I do try home educating.
I’m feeling a lot more positive now thanks to you all.

Another option is that oak national academy has been posting videos for every year group and this will carry on into the new school year. With this in place you pretty much have lessons sorted up until Y11 (they will be posting y11 and ks5 from sept) and don't need to join a private online school. I believe they will also extend the provision so there are worksheets and things you can print off.
Our DD is the same age as yours and doesn't want to go back. She has no anxiety around school and we don't have a problem getting her there but school has got very demanding in recent years and it's not really enjoyed by many kids! DD has loved lockdown learning and wants to carry on. Not sure I'll be able to but we're really thinking about it and I'm sure we're not the only ones.

OP - usually you access an educational psychologist through the school, not via CAMHS. I suggest you ask the senco how to get a referral.