Pulling year 1 child out of private school

[roastedsaltedpeanut]

I amwondering what to do with my child's education.
First a little rant on the school's dealings with covid-19.
I asked to keep my child at home as my husband is at risk at the height of the pandemic (limited lung capacity and other illnesses, most likely will die or suffer permanent damage if infected) but the school head teacher threatened to dish out 'unauthorised absence' if I dared. Once we all developed slight fever and a minor cough as a family, then the school allowed the child to go home to self isolate, as per government guideline. Thankfully it wasn't Covid-19. I am ever so slightly resentful that I have so little power to protect my child against such an obvious danger even having explained that I will not demand for fee refund or anything. No home support was given to my child whilst other children who had to self isolate due to symptoms were given support. I felt it was a petty revenge from the head teacher's. I took it rather personally.

The school had a few weeks of chaotic (or none existent) online teaching before the break, but had successfully adjusted and delivered well since. However, I have noticed a fundamental difference between my child and the rest that makes me want to pull my child out of this private school entirely.

It appears my child is unable to keep up with his peers. Every child seem to have such ease and fun with the activities, yet we are spending hours and hours trying to go through the fundamental basics of Maths and English. The essential/basic level of maths is very easy. Having politely (sneakily) asked other mothers, it appears 8/10 child is on advanced stage, equivalent to year 2 and above in maths. My child is just about managing simple year 2 level maths but is still not officially being put on advanced level like every other child.
His English is terrible in comparison, very average for his years. He struggles with his grammar and cannot write a 50 word essay/text on Columbus or the pirates. Some days he cannot even write a single sentence down whilst his peers are writing daily diaries and their thoughts and opinions on world political affairs (slight exaggeration but not far fetched).

I still believe that my child is intelligent. If he were interested in a certain topic, he will spend hours figuring out the content, even reading age 7-9 books. On the flip side, if he decides the topic is boring he cannot even read through reception age books without skipping words and making fundamental mistakes.

My husband, who went to boarding school, is of the opinion that state school education is much better in the sense that state educated children are more well rounded and have better grasp of the real world. If our child were academically clever he would succeed in whichever academic setting. If he had other talents (sports, drama etc) he will develop that better in a state school as opposed to a highly academic school. Also, if we didn't have to pay for the tuition fee we could easily afford daily private tutoring sessions in whatever talent he may have. We are not a medic family and we do not have any concrete expectations. We want him to be a happy, confident and well rounded person who will have can enjoy life to the fullest with little stress.

I am torn. Should I pull him out and place him in the local state primary? A small village primary school 5 minutes drive as opposed to 45 min drive to the academic private school during rush hour. Or should I push him harder academically so he gains confidence amongst his classmates? I am worried that he will eventually begin to loath himself for not being able to keep up, always being the 'dumb one'. He is a bright child, in my opinion, who needs to be stimulated but I feel the school is focusing on the super talented 6 year olds who are reading 10 year old texts and doing year 3 maths and beyond. Which is understandable as these super bright children will most definitely achieve higher A level result and bring up the school average, hence attract more pupils and create higher revenue. The average child like mine will be the token child dragged along till the school decides to kick him to the kerb.

Should I just bite the bullet and pull him out now? Or should I push him so he could keep up with his talented cohorts? Or should I just wait, do nothing, and hope that he will pass the common entrance somehow? Will the school keep him till 10 years old, having had years of tuition fee, then decides he is 'unsuitable for the environment' and kick him out? As not many pupils transfers school during these years, I can see why the school would be keen to keep him until 'fresh blood' comes in.

I am rather emotional lately due to all the stress from the larger environment. I feel that I am no longer have any capacity for critical thinking.

Please help me get some clarity over this.

PS this school is obviously the most sought after school in our area. All other comparable schools are 1 hour to 1.5 hour drive away, some of which are boarding school which I am not keen.

IMO and IME the vast majority of state schools are providing an education that meets the needs of children of all abilities.

Both dh and I come from families who have never considered state education, so it was unknown territory for us, but overall I've been really impressed (although as with any school there will always be things that you would like to see improved).

I think unless you're going for the kind of private school that is clearly offering something distinctively different from what is available in the state sector (the Eton and Harrow end of things, or specialist music or chorister education), and if the state school has a reasonable proportion of the cohort achieving the kinds of outcomes you would hope for for your child, then there's no reason to assume your child won't be able to obtain those results too.

All of my four went to a range of different state schools (we moved house a few times in the process) and all have achieved the outcomes we would have hoped for them - two went to Oxbridge and the other two did not, but still achieved really good results for them, iyswim.

And yes, I agree strongly with your point that it is better for a child's self-esteem and confidence to be in a setting with a more normal range of abilities where their achievements are valued rather than being compared against their peers.

Looking at my children's friends and peers from primary, I would say that all ended up with the kinds of outcomes you would have predicted for them at the age of 8 or 9, based on the child's personality and level of ability at that point, regardless of the kind of school they went to. I know families who bankrupted themselves to go private or tutored for years for state grammar school whose kids came out with very average grades (and a couple with serious MH issues as well), and others who went to what even I would consider to be quite rough comprehensives who went the straight A* and Oxbridge route.

I would go so far as to say that a pressured environment is a negative, educationally-speaking - yes, there will always be people who say that a bright child needs the challenge of their peers to stretch themselves, blah blah, but unless the child is clearly enjoying and coping with the environment, then it's a high-risk strategy. One of my Oxbridge dc was definitely a late developer (some processing issues) and didn't see herself as a high-achiever in primary. We deliberately didn't send her to the more pushy secondary school - plenty of people were very about our decision, but it was definitely the right decision as they appreciated her for the things that she could do rather than focussing on the things she couldn't do (which were quite numerous at that point). It was definitely the right decision, and by y9 she was really blossoming and doing very well indeed.

It's horses for courses, natch, but unless you have a specific reason to go private, I see no reason to assume that the state school can't do at least as well for your child, almost certainly without the downsides you are currently experiencing.

Removing the state and private bit.

You and the head seem to have an unresolved difference that you feel is disadvantaged your child.
Your child is struggling with the set work and you feel us not getting support from the teachers.
This all feels like this is the wrong school for your child.
I believe schools fall into two categories
First type believe happy children will achieve and the second type believe children who achieve will be happy. It sounds like this school is the second type, but your child is more suited to the first type.
Regardless of whether it is state or private I don't think this school is working for your child so a change would be good.

Your post is very muddled, OP.

My children have now almost all left school. In my experience, if you think there is a problem, it is best to start off working with the teachers, rather than seeing them as the enemy. You seem to have decided that the Head has a grudge against you, and have already said that you have taken some actions personally. I have seen this happen, and it sets up an unhelpful dynamic.

If your son is in Year 1, he must have a form teacher. The first thing to do is approach her/him with your concerns, and ask what, if anything you can collectively do to help your son.

So far as state vs private is concerned, you shouldn't get hung up on that. My children have, as it happens, all been to independent schools from Reception onwards, and have all boarded post-13. However, I would still say that parents need to choose the school that is the best fit for their child, regardless of what type of school it is. My children didn't go to the same schools as one another, because they are all very different personalities and have different strengths and weaknesses. A good school should help them to become the best they can be all round. The way a school handles a child's/teenager's inevitable misdeeds also tells you a lot.

It sounds like the local state primary will be better for a number of reasons. At your son's age, a 45-minute commute each way makes it a long day; he must be tired and I doubt he has much time for extra curricular activities let alone for just chilling at home. And how can he make local friends? I can't see how that fits with your wish for him to "enjoy life to the fullest with little stress". I wouldn't do such a long commute for a child that age unless the school was really exceptional (eg a SN school for a child with that requirement).

Try the local school for a year and spend some of the fee money on enriching activities and outings for him (NOT tutoring - he doesn't need it at that age unless he's going to do 7+). Enjoy having more time at home together and getting to know more people in your village. I don't think you'll regret it.

Doesn't sound like this is a state vs private issue to me- sounds like this particular school is not suited to your child

Pull him, save the money, and tutor him up for Senior entrance exam.

Should I pull him out and place him in the local state primary? A small village primary school 5 minutes drive as opposed to 45 min drive to the academic private school during rush hour.

That alone would make me want to move him. But you must have had your reasons for sending him to this school in the first place - what were they, and are they still valid?

Is there a space for him at the local primary?
I would put him there.

Thank you everyone. I am impressed how you have all put things into perspective for me so coherently.

I admit that I do hold a personal grudge against the head teacher since our heated email exchange, where I felt disrespected and dismissed as a disagreeable child. We have had a few more exchanges since but the general attitude remains the same. For example, I has asked if I could take my year 1 child out of school for one day as I am unable to pick him up on time coming back from London. Also due to Covid-19 I am unable to source alternative pick up arrangement. She had replied: as I am clearly not a key worker the school cannot allow the child to overstay and thus must keep him out of school for the day, in the usual short and curt manner. Going forward, I should make a point to see her and resolve these issues (her attitude ).

DH and I are both privately educated and have only chosen to send DS1 to private school because we were unwilling to venture into the unknown and we credit our achievements largely to our schooling. Boarding school had taught him tenacity and the never give up attitude, which serves him well in his industry. While my school had taught me to work hard and be critical of all information and be my own boss. Why try out a new system when we know private schooling works? (We have, of course, naively assumed all private schools are made equal).

We had chosen this school because it has the highest academic rating and its glorious 500 year history. I have heard gossips regarding the school hot housing attitude, tolerating low level bullying, churning out 50% or more medics etc but I had not taken those seriously as all private schools suffer rumours to an extent. Two of our extended family members had gone there and speak highly of the school. There was no reason not to choose this particular school.

DS1 appears to be having a fabulous time at school. He loves his class teacher and TA. He often says his teachers are immensely proud of his achievements. However, end of term reports indicate he would need to work harder to catch up in certain areas, which he inevitably always does with extra work at home. There were a couple of incidents of minor bullying where a talented child repeatedly told my child "you are too stupid to play with me, go home and stay at home" for a whole term. DS1 being visibly upset and crying were picked up by the teachers but they had never figured out the cause till DS1 finally 'snitched' and told me. Another child who insisted on making my child "it" while playing catch, otherwise DS1 will be pushed to fall by this child and his older cousins until he surrendered to play 'it'. The teachers have since then separate DS1 from this child and his older cousins during play time and now all is well. These matters have all been resolved but that's where my insecurity of his emotional wellbeing comes from.

There are quite a few local villages with primary schools rated from very good to outstanding. One of my friend is in fact pulling her child out of an outstanding local school to send her child to this private school as she is not entirely satisfied with the village school. There is also an excellent local secondary school that produce oxbridge candidates but suffers from drugs abuse issue and anti social issue amongst the non-high achievers (bored teenagers in the countryside, I suppose).

The long 45 minutes commute is doable because I could work in the office situated right next door to this school. During term breaks I will simply work from home. My line of work is highly flexible in where and when I work.

Finally, my youngest child has shown to be rather quick and quite capable of academic learning, very much like me if I could say so . I assume he would most likely enjoy this school immensely. But as a mother I could not be so unfair to send one child to a local state school while the other goes to a private school with extra curriculum activities such as annual ski trips, foreign geography trips etc.

I’d echo what others have said. It’s not state v private, it’s the school. Our DC have been to 3 schools, 1st state (disastrous), 2nd private (wonderful), 3rd -due to relocation- private and very average. If it wasn’t for the fact that it’s their 3rd primary school we would almost certainly move them to our local village primary where they know all the kids due to football/brownies etc.

One thing nobody has mentioned is you are liable until Christmas now for fees. You will have (double check the terms and conditions) until probably the first day of September term to pull out without incurring any extra charges. Think of the time between now and the last day you can give notice to leave at Christmas as your thinking time.

FWIW, I agree with the others. This is a school best suited for your child question, not a state versus private.

Mine go to very different independent schools as they go to what suits them.

I can share my own experience of being that child, although it was my first 2 years at a very academic secondary school. My parents tried everything to help me, including educational psychologists. But my headmistress kept saying that I wasn't bright enough (I was top of my primary school). Fortunately for me, my parents moved across the county and I then went to a bog-standard state grammar school. I blossomed in this less academically pressured environment and never looked back (I have two degrees).

Fundamentally, the problem was one of unsuitable (for me) teaching style combined with being written off by a senior teacher who should have known better.

I hope this helps.

I could not be so unfair to send one child to a local state school while the other goes to a private school with extra curriculum activities such as annual ski trips, foreign geography trips etc.

I'd suggest actually looking at state schools and seeing what they offer. You seem to have a lot of pre-conceptions.

For example, my DC's state school has annual ski trips and foreign geography trips :)

State schools won't generally offer the huge range of extra curricular activities that private schools do, but they generally offer a reasonable range and I personally think it's a bonus that my DC do extra-curricular activities out of school where they get to mix with a variety of different children and often you get more specialist provision (e.g. DS was taught martial arts by one of the top practioners in the country).

He’s only six, and I’m struggling to believe the head has a personal vendetta against you to the extent that she’d request your child isn’t supported like the other kids. Which is basically what you’re suggesting

I strongly believe if the head had given you your way you’d not be even considering taking your child out.

I’d also warn thr state school is going to be even more tight on what you’re permitted to do.

So I’d think is this really about your little kid not being supported and all th other kids being talented or is it really about you don’t like the head so want to pull your child out as an act of revenge.

Often the ones who are hot housed run out of steam. They can’t all be brilliant and how do you know they are writing pages of diary entries? Are you sure it’s not their parents doing it? They shouldn’t be sharing work that makes your DS aware of a difference in level. Be aware that you will have missed the notice deadline to withdraw home for September unless your contact has changed. post Covid. Your local school sounds better but check their online schooling provision.

Do you know if any of these good/outstanding village schools have spaces?

Do they have the wraparound care you might need if you’re working?

so you fell out with the Head because the school refused a request to pick them up later than offered. is that right?

definitely check whether the local primaries have any space - just randomly leaving one school won't get you automatic access somewhere else and you could be left with nothing? (especially key as you are paying until Christmas now anyway?)

But as a mother I could not be so unfair to send one child to a local state school while the other goes to a private school with extra curriculum activities such as annual ski trips, foreign geography trips etc.

If you can cope with the logistics of having them in two different schools, I would not worry about the "fairness". You may find that such trips are offered by the state school, and if not, get him involved in extra-curricular activities that may give him other opportunities. Or take him on a trip yourself while the other child is on the school trip... You'll be better able to afford the trips for either of them if you're only paying one lot of school fees.

I think if your child is struggling to keep up in the private school, and the school does not seem to be providing the support he needs, he's probably better off elsewhere.

Is he at Brighton college or something? These ‘academic’ private schools are such a con, basically state schools in ethos but with stupid amounts of money behind it. If all you want is for your child to get straight As and go to oxbridge I’d send him to a state school, at least there’s less chance of emotionally scarring him by pushing him too hard. If you’re looking for something more then you should consider a different private school. It’s absurd that you even care that you’re year one child can’t write 50 word mini essays, he’s six ffs.

I would worry about being fair. I would have DC treated the same.

However at primary level, there are school trips. Rarely skiiing though. Save the fees and do this yourself.

Your DC doesn’t appear well suited to the school and I think going local might help.

Again, thank you all for the excellent advices. I was able to view the situation from new angles and I feel I am able to make a more informed decision.

I cannot deny that I may have let my emotional experience in dealing with the head cloud my judgement. No doubt there is tension there that must be resolved. Bluntness100 comment really made me chuckle lol

I have spoken to the class teacher. She has assured me that my child is most definitely not struggling. He is meeting all targets and developing well. It just happens that he is in an exceptional class. He should only compare himself to his own achievements as opposed to others, as comparing one's weakness to another's strength is foolish. The school will most definitely keep me in touch if he were to ever show any disconcerting signs, be it emotional or academic.

Of course, I had to devise a plan B nonetheless.

Sadly, there are not any independent school within 20 miles radius that remotely compares to this school. All of these are prep school pupils who end up in this school, boarding school or state grammar school. ISI reports are not great. It is difficult to judge a school by its website, but so far none of which had jumped out to me.

The state school situation is not much better. Although most schools are not oversubscribed, they appear to be struggling tremendously due to covid-19. Some y6 and some y1 pupils are still unable to return to school. As some of you already mentioned, state school rules appear to be even more strict and nonsensical. One school is refusing to accept a y6 pupil because his brother is in reception, which means this family will be in two bubbles. My greatest sympathy with the family.

Fortunately, there is a great boarding school 25 miles away, which appears utterly fabulous.

finally and most importantly, it is evident he doesn't want to move. We chatted about a potential possibility of going to a different school near the house, which is entirely optional. He was strongly against the idea of moving, even if it means he could sleep in every single morning, being able to spontaneously pop over to someone's house for after school playdate etc.

I feel so sad for your son, being made to feel stupid and picked on.

It sounds like he's very bright, and at first I was going to ask why on earth you're comparing him to the other children as it's really unhealthy, but I can see that the bullying might have led to you feeling insecure about it.

Honestly, what you've told us - refusing you to stay at home, the head's attitude, your child being bullied - sounds shit.

T

From everything you've said I would pull him from the school . It appears you are keeping him there for status/ prestige and not for what actually might suit him. I wouldn't be staying at a school that didn't value my child.

State primaries are well suited to adjust for all abilities, they can stretch a child in areas they are good at and support in areas they aren't.

In your case a village primary 5minutes away sounds perfect. But might be perhaps difficult without wrap around care?

As you said earlier you could buy in specialist tuition and do ski trips with your child with the money you will save. And they will have benefits of local friends and a less nasty environment to grow up in.

Update
I just want to say thank you for the handhold and the excellent advices. In hindsight I was overly emotional and I did not take the time to assess the situation fully. I let my personal prejudice against the head cloud my decision as a mother. I am thankful for everyone who helped me see that.
and thank you all for consolidating my feelings so that I didn't feel I was an utter loose canon and a sensitive weirdo.

Over the summer we were stuck at home so we read tons of books, and something just clicked in his little head. Now school work is such a breeze. He absolutely adores his new teacher and he is just thoroughly enjoying himself.

The new teacher is definitely the best one I had ever come across. So patient and caring. She looks after the kids as if they were her own children. A great teacher really does make the difference.

Thank you all! Take Care!
Roastedsaltedpeanut xx