My dd newly yr 3 is being left behind and I'm sad

[pantaloonietunes]

She probably has adhd but getting a referral is hard as we went through trauma and domestic abuse in her early life.
Her yr 1 work is better than her yr2 work which coincided with her dad increasing contact and her not coping.
When I see her friends work she is so behind compared to them. And her behaviour has regressed.
There was a point when contact was stopped and she flourished, she's really bright when anxiety isn't in the mix and life was great.

I feel helpless watching her school mates move forward whilst she is regressing. She won't do any reading for her reading diary so I look like a neglectful parent who can't be bothered. I have put so much work in to making her feel safe, and it gets undone every other weekend.
I am considering home schooling to take away the stressors but as a lone parent I feel depleted.

If it's ADHD then it's not necessarily her intelligence, but her ability to learn. She has to learn how to learn.

My DS was similar, so I took him to Explore Learning when he was in yr 4 (which Tax Credits you can get a proportion back as they are registered) and after 6 months his English and his Maths were fantastic. He was then able to spend more time in lessons working in focus, getting enough work done in the time, and basically learning how to learn. His confidence also increased and he had a much better year!!

Thanks Hypatia,

I've heard good things about Explore.
She's totally oppositional atm and has developed ocd which is centred around controlling me and refusing to go anywhere. If I can get her back to the point she was before then this is definitely an option

If she's oppositional and is controlling you and refusing to go anywhere, home schooling sounds like a really bad idea.

Even if she's struggling at school academically, the routine, pastoral care, friendships etc are so important, especially if she's stressed/playing up at home.

If she won't read at home, tell the school. Hopefully they will be able to give her a bit more time for 1:1 reading in school time.

Before DD was diagnosed her teacher told me not to expect much of DD. Some children simply are left behind, was her way of putting it.
We changed schools (when she was 8), got her diagnosed (including an IQ test that showed the typical spiky profile), had all sorts of parenting, social skills and learning courses. DD is starting university next month.
ADHD can be masked by the effects of traumatic life events, but also the effects of traumatic life events can mask as ADHD.
I wish you and your daughter alle the best.

I don't know if she would be interested, but you could try audio recorded stories. My DS was never a keen reader, but he loved listening to audio books, and I remember a number of conversations with his school teachers who would say 'it is clear he reads a lot at home'. He didn't. He was a good reader, but he didn't read much. He listened a lot though. Now, he has gotten more into reading. But I do think that all of the audio books helped. So, if she doesn't want to read at the moment, maybe that is a way of keeping fiction and stories available to her. I realise that it may not work if ADHD means that she doesn't want to listen, but it may be worth a go.

For the other issues, I wish I could help, but I really don't have the experience. But I didn't want to ignore them. My only thought is whether or not the school SENDCo is involved? I would guess yes, but if not, maybe talk to the school? Wishing you all the best.

Thanks for all the replies.
Yes I have met with the senco but as it's a new school they need to get to know dd first.
She was on a reduced timetable before and I may suggest this again as it really helped last time.

Is contact court ordered?

Would you consider trying to reduce contact, especially if you can show her mental health and schoolwork deteriorate when she has more contact? Would the school back this?

Her therapist would back it up, contact is court ordered after a long period of toing and fro ing to court. Very distressing and hurtful and draining.

DD is at the ADHD spectrum, most likely more ADD though.

She started deteriorating in Y2, unfortunately the school didn't tell us that there are problems, the end of year report hit us hard. In Y3 we were in constant contact with the school and worked with DD to catch up, the paediatric we saw said she is borderline but not enough to diagnose her. So we attend parental courses, worked with the school (luckily they do have a Sen provision and the Senco is top notch) but the Y5 teacher again was a disaster.

We took DD to a tutor and it was clearly very soon that she was absolutely able to do the work but she didn't understand the usual instructions. She needs a different approach and it is hard work to support her.

She is now in y8 and we identified another issue but you learn along the way what you need to do.

Regarding contact, I think you need ot go the hard route to support your DD, unexpected changes are the worst, we couldn't even do spontanous outings, everything has to be planned and talked about first, DD hates changes in routine and needs to know what is happening when. Do press for a diagnosis if necessary and with that try to change the court order to arrange something you can prepare your DD for

I don’t know much about ADHD, but could she possibly be autistic? I ask because you mention control. My dd is the same and she would probably have pathological demand avoidance. Might be worth a google? It’s not really recognised yet?

I could never HE dd, she would respond to demands from others much better than me (she’d just be massively anxious about them at home). We have done explore learning and dc did like it, but ASD/pda daughter refused after a few months.

Sounds tough OP and lots of good advice here. On the reading side (the bit I know a bit about) is there any type of reading you can do with her which she will enjoy (and don’t worry about improving skills or the diary for now!).could you read to her, or go back to old favourites she did like, or think about graphic books / comics; or books with simpler words but year 3 style wit (Claude by Alex t Smith is great) or maybe read picture books which she finds safe if you have any around - maybe agree for you and her to read them to her teddies or toys. None of this may work - but if
More fun and enjoyment may help (like being an adult and going back to an easy thriller!)