Private school - was it the right choice ?

[Lacey405]

We are having this debate . DD is fine where she is but I feel she could be stretched further . She’s fairly bright but not a genius but she is very interested in things. For example her latest interest is the tudors. We’ve been to see some historical palaces and off her own back has done her own “project” / asks for documentaries to watch / reads books. I know from my own teaching experience that at the moment doing the NC we cover the tudors in year 4 - she will be going into yr 2 this year and she has already covered it . So rather her being a maths prodigy or anything it’s this type of thing she just loves doing . Her current school does very little in terms of stretching the more able and whilst maths & English are fine these are focused on to the extent that there is very little time in the curriculum for history / languages / science / art all of which I think DD would just really enjoy . We can afford it if I work FT (teacher) and we stick to UK holidays for the foreseeable & generally rein in some of our spending . So nothing too drastic but a fair few luxuries would go. If anyone was in a similar position and did this / is doing it are you pleased you did ? Is if worth the “sacrifice” (I realise this is a very fortunate problem to have)
Many thanks

We removed our older DD from private school at the end of year 2 for similar reasons. We felt the curriculum was actually less challenging and mixed than the local village school.

She did well there...there was more diversity too. We live in Australia now so things are completely different...secondary school here is private but in the UK we'd perhaps have chosen differently.

The money was also a factor. I didn't want to feel that I couldn't let DD join things such as drama classes or riding because her fees were taking up too much budget.

I would say that private school works for some kids in specific circumstances but for most they achieve just the same as they would at state school, it's more about parents filtering who they mix with! The advantages of private school accelerate as they get older, private schools can kick out the troublesome teens whereas in the state sector a sizeable percentage simply don't want to be in school so mess about, plus there's a huge funding gap of course. If I had the money and another child, yes I would go private, but if private means you cannot do extra curricular etc then I would put your money into that for now and consider it again at 11. Dd was private from 16 and it was very different but she was a bursary kid

For us it has been a good experience. Both children have enjoyed the small class sizes and one to one attention they get (I am also a teacher and have taught in both state and private - the teaching is essentially no different apart from as a PP said we do ask disruptive students to leave and I get far more time to work with and talk to pupils and comment on their work.). My children have grown in confidence and loved the sport, music, drama, debating etc they have done. I think my son will do better in terms of grades than he would have done in state as he is a dreamer and having smaller classes helps him focus. My daughter probably the same she is very self motivated. Both children have also enjoyed the subject choices for example my son is doing A Level Latin and wants to do classics at university which I don’t think he would have got into without meeting it at school.
Socially we have enjoyed it and our children have benefited from friends being more likely to have similar views and values (though this is clearly hugely subjective and dependent on many factors!). In our area the private schools are also more diverse in terms of ethnicity which appealed to us.
I was privately educated myself so have always felt very comfortable with my choice. DH was not but pragmatically finds the activities, feedback her gets and the in built free to use breakfast and after school clubs a winner.
We are 10 years in now and I don’t sit around thinking about how we could have spent the money- we are part of a school community we love and that is pretty special.

We moved DS for yr5. The primary was good but the secondary it fed was requires improvement. I dont think yrs 5&6 were better than the state primary but the secondary years have served him well. The science teachers have solid science backgrounds & he took 3 languages up to end of yr9. He takes advantage of the extracurricular & his confidence has developed.

We're oop north & a number of DSs friends' parents are teachers ( more state than independent). He also has friends at other school so it doesn't have to be about being in a cloistered environment. Yes we make some financial sacrifices.

IMO, it's lovely to have the small classes and the extensive co-curricular provision that indies offer. However, it sounds like it's quite a stretch financially. In your position, I'd probably look for a good state school and just keep on supporting your daughter's interests. In terms of English and Maths, a bit of tuition can go a long way. I'm an experienced teacher and have prepped quite a few children for their 11+. It doesn't take that long to fill in the gaps and get a child to work to their full potential.

Thank you all for responding. Yes we could potentially tutor her to fill gaps & carry on with the extra curricular activities but I just have a nagging sense of guilt we could & should be stretching ourselves for her. At the risk of sounding conceited I was a fairly bright child and coasted through fairly average schools quite happily (with lots of lovely extra curricular activities and holidays but still) but feel to this day that I could have done / achieved more if I’d been pushed (I’ve only just passed my NQT year now at 35 as spent years before this in dead end jobs) I would hate for DD to not fulfill her potential as I feel I have not done.

I think this coasting/not coasting largely depends on the home environment and parents' expectations. I wouldn't even suggest getting a tutor in, you could just 'tutor' DD yourself to make sure she's on top of everything.

Is your school hot housey or quite relaxed? How's the standard or the local state schools? Some state schools are hot housey and high achieving.

I would try to enrich her education yourself. So much you can do with her, help her with, take her to.

Private school can be frustrating too

spag but OP has said the fees are a stretch....she'd find enriching to be too expensive and working full time, might not have time to do things herself.

My financial situation is worse than yours, OP (I will still be paying for school for years after my DC leave), but I don't regret it for a second.

Look at the other schools in your area/somewhere you could potentially get her to. Somp Private schools are better than some state and vice versa.
If you stretch to send her to private will you still be able to indulge her interests? Still be able to take her on trips to historic buildings?
What if a new interest is French or Spanish?
Or a musical instrument?

Parental involvement and encouragement is the best indicator of achievement.

Are you looking at jobs in indecent schools? There's usually a decent staff discount on fees.

We have done private non academic and pushy academic. I don’t think facilities are any better and in some cases worse than state schools because they are small. They still follow the same national curriculum so you are not really getting any more enrichment with the exception of Greek and Latin at secondary. I think the biggest difference is smaller class sizes and a class full of engaged students who are there because their parents value education and they are well supported at home. As a result the other students are keen to learn and it creates a positive classroom experience.
For Dd the small class size was an issue for a couple of years because they can be cliquey which leaves a limited choice of friends. Also independent schools can hire unqualified teachers who may be amazing academically, passionate about their subject but lack teaching skills so you are not always guaranteed the best teaching.
Overall I think it has been a good investment and don’t regret it at all.

We considered it but would have meant sacrificing holidays abroad and other things. We have had some amazing holidays in the US, Caribbean and Europe and I know children remember those trips forever (I do as a child). DS is coming into year 11 with predicted grades of 8/9’s. He didn’t get into our local grammars as pass mark so high as some of the most over subscribed in country. His secondary is excellent though and they are already talking to him about applying to Oxford / Cambridge. DD is 11 and finished primary with some excellent SAT results. Her class had 18 children in it the final 2yrs. I just don’t know what extra private would have got him. Intesrestingly a friend has one child in a very good private school, and one starting as same state secondary as my children. I’ll be really interested to know what she thinks in year or two about the difference. Her DD was offered private but declined, quite forcibly so they were actually silently grateful as not easy for them paying one lot.

Would we have made same decision if didn’t have an excellent secondary on our doorstep? Maybe. Or we might have moved

It all depends on the private school. We used to live in a county with grammar schools the majority of preps were what was known locally as “crammers for the grammars” like your current primary English and math were the main focus because this is what is required in the grammar school entry test and parents were paying to get there children properly prepared for it. Without a doubt the children were being stretched more than they would have been in their local primary because they didn’t prepare the children for the test. But many dropped by the way side between yr 1-5 finding the almost obsessive focus on the grammar school entry test to much pressure.
Years ago now my gifted maths DS went to a traditional 13+ prep he left his quaint village primary in yr 2 because he wasn’t being stretched at all in math and I dislike the obsessive focus on math and English. At his prep they had a weekly timetable similar to that which you find in a secondary school, all main subjects history french Latin geography maths English etc were taught equally by specialist teachers in their own classrooms including a purpose built science block with bunson burners etc. I seem to recall art was taught 2 afternoons a week again by a specialist art teacher, music was big as well. The advantage is that children find other areas bar math and English to excel at and enjoy. These kind of preps are not preparing their pupils for the grammar school entry test they our looking at schools that start at 13+ some of their pupils will go to super selective others schools that are significantly less selective so pupils are generally streamed or put in sets the able and the less able around yr 3. My gifted math DS was definitely one stretched more than in the primary and also studied subjects in greater detail than he ever would have at primary history being 1 and subjects he would never have studied at primary e.g Latin. So all in all a more rounded education as well. And of course you get smaller classes 13 was the maximum (2/3 classes at each year after yr3) and lots and lots of sport. But these kind of preps come with high fees I’ve just looked it up over £5k till year 4 and nearly £7k from yr 5 (day fees).
Many on here at the mention of private education scream “lack of social diversity” this is obviously true but not all primaries or secondaries are socially diverse. We now live a very white MC rural area: with very twee village schools, outstanding comps with outstanding results (often. Water than some grammars) the vast majority will be white MC. My DS has spent the majority of his school life boarding, the vast majority of pupils would have come from families in the top 1% in terms of income. He is a down to earth normal young man who deliberately choose a more socially diverse RG uni, since leaving school on his gap year and during his holidays he has done a variety of low I come manual type jobs working with those on the other end other end of financial spectrum. He has fitted in well and appears to be very popular so his education has not done him any harm. As I frequently say on here being educated with the mega wealthy has taught him a valuable life lesson excessive money doesn’t make you a better person, make you happier, or protect you from hideous divorce, alcohol or substance abuse, DV, life debilitating illnesses or cancer. He also knows that sadly money that enables you huge houses expensive holidays etc doesn't protect you from tragic accidental death in your teens or the death of one of your parents. I often hear my work colleagues say “I just need to find a rich man then I’ll be happy” my DS may have not have mixed with those from all backgrounds at school but he knows that money doesn’t always equate to happiness that you may have to find other ways of making yourself happy.
OP it’s not a black and white choice especially if your going to struggle to pay the fees, preps vary tremendously in what they offer as do their fees. Also don’t forget at secondary level fees can jump quite significantly so you need to look at the long term as well.

If I were you I would continue doing what you are doing. She is happy at school, you are stretching her in the areas where she shows interest. The grass is not always greener. At the moment you have money to spend on indulging her interests, rather than spending it all on a school that makes those decisions for you. Independent schools don't provide a bespoke product and you might find yourselves disappointed that you have caused her a lot of disruption and not got what you hoped. You can reassess for admission into Y5, Y7, Y9 and Y12.

If you are thinking of going private save it for secondary school, that's when it really makes a difference, and choose wisely. If you have outstanding state schools in your area save the money. Our girls went to an excellent selective private school our son went to a decidedly average non selective one. We pulled him out after GCSE's and put him into an outstanding local state school where he performed much better for his A Levels. (It was a church school and we weren't eligible to send him for Year 7 as non church goers)

Could you move her to another local school instead? We moved our dd halfway through y1 from very big school where she wasn’t being pushed to much smaller school (from 33 in class to 22).
She’s being challenged much more, the teaching seems to be more interactive and she’s thriving so far. I’d look around other options before private just in case op.

I find your conclusions quite strange, you have a child who is self motivated to research things, this is great, you can encourage it. Yet you then go on about lack of pushing. Pushing is pretty much the opposite of self motivated, the big thing pushing does is remove the opportunity and mental effort to pursue those self interests - you're pushed down the route that the adult wants you to go.

If you have no self motivation, then pushing might be useful - not as useful as finding a way to get that self motivation of course - but that really depends if the "coasting" is at a cost of what you could achieve longer term - ie the coasting stops you getting the grades required for your next goal.

The cost is huge, and narrows opportunities for the child, it doesn't broaden, the money spent on the school means it can't be spent elsewhere. A private school might have changed your experience of education, but so might another school, and your experience is not the same as your child's.

Your DD is happy, she's self motivated, invest in those things, not in some expensive grass is greener idea, and save that money - she might be happy in 15 years when she has the money to go spend her time volunteering on a Tudor archeological site, rather than having to get a job at the bank.

You could work more and stretch yourselves and put her in private and only holiday in the UK... (although I actually find UK holidays more expensive). Or consider either giving up work/tutoring/working part time and home educating instead. That way you can really encourage project based learning, follow her interests, go at her own pace and have lots of very cheap educational term time holidays.

Interestingly an overwhelming majority of home ed parents are disillusioned teachers.

There is a huge difference in preps. There are grammar crammers, havens for delicate DC, and top flight preps prepping for top day or boarding schools. If they have lots of DC in y8, they are the latter. They are also expensive and you get what you pay for.

There was a big difference in curriculum and optional activities at our prep over the local primaries. Not only that, sport was taken seriously as was drama and music. No one really gets stretched in history and often it’s fun to do it yourself.

Having used the haven type of school and then the top prep, I would go for the top prep every time. I discounted the crammer as being counter productive and sport was abysmal. Depends what you want, but the best preps offer everything and they have specialist teachers from y5. However they will set into a scholarship set and “others” and some parents don’t like that. The best thing to do is to look around and compare.

Teachers can teach DC easily at home because they are trained and it’s their job. It’s a very easy choice to make. The rest of us couldn’t do it and many of course don’t want to.

Also, consider what your DD wants. She needs to feel happy with any change. Go and look around some private schools, get a feel and ask questions, that may help.

Probably looking at a different age group but DD wanted music scholarship at a private school for sixth form, for a different experience. we looked at three. One left us feeling they clearly only wanted those from a privaleged background. She applied to two and got two offers. She ended up at a lovely down to earth school, had problems adjusting to boarding but she said it was the best thing she ever did. However, the school's ethos was that it had to come from the child, they weren't going to put pressure on them to learn. Somehow this worked as many students were very self motivated.

We are really worrying about this at the moment. Don’t feel DDs primary is really very good and we both feel she deserves “better” than being one of 34 in a class / massive funding cuts (in a supposedly “good” school !!) but private feels like a huge commitment . I think I will be having sleepless nights either way !!