Advice on talking to a child about moving schools

[Melisandra]

Hi there, my child will both be moving schools in September from State to Private. We like our current school but the primary driver for moving is that he passed the 7+ for an academically selective and well regarded school. The Head was aware we had applied as he wrote a supporting reference for our application and has been really supportive and understanding of our decision to move. He agrees that our oldest would really benefit from the stretch this school would provide.

I was tidying up paperwork the other day and accidentally left the offer letter out which my child read. So he knows he's moving! He loves his current state school but so seems fine with the change. We have said we will discuss properly soon the reasons for moving (originally planned to talk about it over summer).

I'm unsure though what to say regarding the reasons for moving. We are only moving a couple of hundred metres down the road and live locally. So we plan (and hope) to keep his existing friendships. This is relevant because what I say to him is also likely be conveyed to his friends and their parents. What reason should I give for my child moving schools? I'd be interested to hear from other parents who have made a similar move on how you explained this to your child and what reasons you gave. Other reason for moving is that this school goes all the way to 18 so it also means we don't have to worry about where to go in Year 7.

Thanks!

Sorry for typos. On mobile!

I was tidying up paperwork the other day and accidentally left the offer letter out which my child read.

I am struggling to understand this. Your son took an entrance exam - surely he knew that was what he was doing? So why did you not immediately share the result with him? Thousands of children make a transition from state to private schools at this age (or others). They’re apprehensive about the result of the entrance exam and share in the opening of the envelope with their family.

Why are you making this a problem? What is it that you still need to say? He’s perfectly old enough to understand the reasons for moving, and clearly bright enough to appreciate all the nuances of conversations he’ll have with his friends. Nor can you expect to control what other parents will think. You’re not the first and won’t be the last parent to take such a step.

Mine have moved schools a few times (we’re expats) and honestly don’t make it into a huge deal that has to be discussed and debated. Just tell him you’re moving schools and he’ll have loads of fun and make new friends and that’s it. He doesn’t need to know anymore than that.

If other parents ask you then be vague and say you feel he’s ready for a change.

When you say you originally planned to talk about it over the summer - do you mean you weren’t going to tell him until the holidays, so he didn’t know it was his last day at his old school? I agree that it is bizarre he went through the entrance selection process without realising, but thank goodness he knows now.

Just say he’s going to X school. Everyone will know you think it is better, whatever you say.

Agree - slightly intrigued that he didn't pick up on the possible new school from having taken an assessment!

Anyway, I'd keep it pretty light and non-specific: "oh yes, do you remember going to XY School? That's going to be your school in September. It looked great, didn't it and you'll be able to go and meet the new teacher next month and we can sort out your new uniform. No, A & B aren't going to that school too but we'll still be able to see them for a play date."

GeorgeTheBleeder I don't think we are creating a problem. My son didn't know it was an entrance exam. We chose not to tutor and we had minimal prep. We told him that he was going to have a fun day, see a cool school and complete some activities (he really enjoys doing maths puzzles, creative writing etc so it genuinely is a fun thing for him). We didn't want to make it into a big deal or have him feel any pressure, or feel that he had somehow failed or not done his best if he didn't get a spot. The result came out last November so there's a good nine months before his start date. Circumstances can change in that time (even if unlikely but I'm a cautious person!) so we felt it would be better to wait until nearer the time to say something. As my son isn't aware he sat a test, he didn't ask for a result. Our objective that day was for him to have fun and tell us what he thought about this cool school.

Anonymous, we were going to wait until the last couple of weeks of summer term. If we say something now, it will get back to his friends. It isn't a secret as such but we find that knowing kids are leaving can destabilize a class. I've also had friends who regretted telling their children too early as when friends found out, it had an impact on friendship groups (more as a result of the parent's choice admittedly). In this case, my child will still attend the same after school activities with friends from his existing school so we are not disappearing! We all live locally and it's a small community so we'll still be bumping into each other regularly I suspect. You (and George) have both raised a very good point though:

"Everyone will know you think it is better, whatever you say."

I think this is what I'm really worried about. I want to sell the school to my child and be honest so he can be proud of his achievements and be excited about the move. But I am worried that if conveyed to his friends (who will convey to their parents) not everyone will be happy for us and those "playdates" won't happen. It happened to a friend of mine and impacted her child and I suppose that's my concern. Having reflected on this post and the responses, you're right. I'm not the first and won't be the last. I can't control what others think or do.

GU24Mum - thanks, this is a great suggestion.

Thank you all. Really helpful to read the responses.

Ok. It’s nice of you to explain!

It’s just very different to the way we did things. Which was: child bored and unchallenged at school, parents researched other options, discussed with child, exam taken, family wait eagerly for results and open together. Of course we talked about the possibility of not getting in, and that there would always be other schools.

I recall that the then seven year old was eager and excited - but quite laid back about the whole process. Slightly alarmed at the prospect of being laughed at by original school if unsuccessful - but we pointed out that competition would be part of their life all through school and university, that everyone who wanted to progress went through it and that no one would care for more than two minutes. I can’t imagine keeping him in ignorance - it was all a rather thrilling family experience, during which he matured enormously.

With a subsequent move (before senior school) he was far more focused and determined on his own behalf because he really wanted to go to the new school.

I do think it’s sensible to delay telling schoolfriends until the last possible moment - but it’s inevitable that the child will share the news anyway ...

We’ve just been through exactly this. My ds moved from state to private after 7+ exam. However I did explain it all to him throughout but kept it low key as just giving it a go. When he went to the assessment days he came back with such excitement about the science labs, swimming pool etc and said he definitely wanted to go to that school! So that made it much less stressful as he could was excited by the facilities. He was there when I opened the letter and as delighted as I was. So he was part of the conversation. But even if he wasn’t, I would just remind him of all the great facilities and all the fun opportunities the new school would provide. Just keep it factual and focus on the great opportunities. We also live in a v close community - 2 mins walk from his old school and 2 dc who are still there so I was worried about it being awkward! But he was so bored in his last school that I just had to ignore my sensitivities and just say to other parents that we were so surprised he was offered a place as we hadn’t really prepared for it but that he was ready for a change so we were going to give it a go! We still keep up with his old friends - he has more playdates with them than before as it’s a conscious effort so now he has all his old friends plus lots of new friends and he is happier than he has ever been. It’s the best move possible for a child with capabilities and who is ready to be stimulated and stretched. Just be excited when you tell your dc, it will be infectious and they’ll be so excited too. We also talked about going to get measured for the new ‘grown-up’ uniform at the school shop etc and we did lots of walks/cycle rides past the new school to show family members etc which helped him feel proud and excited.

I did make sure he didn’t boast to any friends about the new school - he’s not that sort anyway but I just explained to be sensitive with his friends and not talk about the extra stuff offered at the new school as they might feel jealous. I felt awkward myself but it really was fine. I didn’t dwell on it with the parents - told parents of his closest friends but let others find out via word of mouth. It really wasn’t an issue as I didn’t make a big deal about it, but to not say anything would make it seem like a big secret - which isn’t fair on anyone. Especially if you live close as you can still maintain the friendships. I expected things to change a bit among the friends as, understandably, they needed to start working out how they would play without my ds. So there were some sweet conversations where the boys would try playing new things to see how it could work. It felt easier for my ds’s friends to know for a long time (they found out in Feb) so that they could get used to it without it happening for ages - but I’m v close to their parents so I knew they would support their dc in a positive way and not turn against my ds. The last thing I wanted was to rub anyone’s face in it so only mentioned it if they brought it up. All parents were so kind and supportive. Good luck! Hopefully everyone will be delighted and excited for your ds.

I would talk about the new school being a better fit for him as an individual especially as he gets older than his old school. He must have known it was a possibility when he went for the assessment.

Givemesomewineplease brilliant that you've been through similar and had such a positive experience with your friends. Yes, I'm very much hoping that everyone will be supportive and understanding. Thanks for the tips too. Will follow.

I'm very much hoping that everyone will be supportive and understanding.

But there is really no reason why they should be, is there? Parents care most about their own child - and you will clearly be showing that the school that’s good enough for their child is not good enough for yours. (I’m not trying to be negative - it’s just a fact.)

So, whatever they say to your face, some of the parents will feel resentful or envious or even a little betrayed. This is life. And I can see this might be worse in a small community. But nothing anyone says can change this. What matters is that you are free to make considered decisions regarding what is best for your child.

The point about your son not boasting at school is important. But I doubt he’d get away with it for long anyway. All you can ask is that he continues to behave with respect and consideration towards his schoolmates and teachers. While you encourage him about his coming adventure.

George, completely agree. There's no reason why they should be and I can see why they may not. Hence the hoping as we'd love to keep the existing friendships and not have anything affect that. As you say, it may not happen and it is what it is. We are, as you say, really fortunate to be in situation where we've been able to make this choice for our child.

Our son isn't the type to boast so I don't think this would ever intentionally happen. That said, we will have a chat as another posted suggested about being sensitive and not talking about the extra stuff he'll be able to do at the other school. Totally agree with your last para. This sums up the approach perfectly!

We moved DS at age 9. We just told him that we thought it would be the school he would be at probably until age 16 so why not start straight away? I wrote a letter to the old primary school head being clear that it was nothing to do with the quality of teaching there which had been excellent (one of main reasons was linked secondary gets poor results & requires improvement). DS still does an out of school sport club with friends from there. Some people will judge but that's life.