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[lilolilmanchester]

OK, so all our kids are more special than the next one.... however, a friend has a DC who is even more special than any one elses. From birth, apparently a gifted child. School tests have suggested otherwise, but parents believe that is because (an otherwise outstanding school) hasn't taught their DC correctly; she remains exceptional but isn't showing herself as such because her first teacher, 4 years ago, "wasn't very good". I believe, objectively, that the child actually isn't as bright as the parents think she is, and it's easier for the parents to blame the school than to accept that the child is average. So, what do I do? Try to level set their expectations of their DD (which has fallen on deaf ears in the past) or just sit by and listen (5 years on)to their explanation of why their gifted child isn't delivering gifted results??? I am not being bitchy here, just embarrassed to hear story after story after this poor child who cannot deliver what her parents expect of her

Are you friend or teacher?

I don't think there's much you can do. Chances are, you'll ruin a friendship if you so much as suggest that their lo is as average as the next child. Leave them to it and change the subject pronto everytime she mentions it!

Clutteredup: friend
Maureen@ agree totally re how difficult it is to handle.
OK, need to say something very openly, which I believe I can do on MN. Expect a bit of a backlash, but not that bothered, more important is to hear from people who can help me deal with the situation.

The child in question isn't actually that bright (my objective opinion versus her parents' rose tinted opinion). But her mother, who is very loud, vocal and will tell anyone who will listen, blames the reception class teacher of 4 years ago. But the fact is that the child actually is just not that bright. Easier for the parents to blame the school than the child. How do you handle this situation?

I've actually got a similar situation. A friend has a dd who clearly has learning difficulties, but she just cannot or will not see it. Its not major, possibly, slightly autistic of some kind, but it is so obvious to me. She is burying her head in the sand. If I say anything, it would just kill a friendship dead. Sadly, it will have to be left to school when she starts in September, to confirm my fears - and I'm 99% sure they will.
I really don't know the answer. I just don't think there's anything you can say. You're just going to have to stick with it, in the knowledge that there's only a couple of years to go!

Thanks Maureen, think you're right. Just find it hard to hear her bringing out the same old excuse time after time, and feeling so sorry for the DD who actually is bright enough to know that her mother is talking crap! What do you do?

If I were you, I would just re-iterate that you are happy with the school and say positive things about the teachers etc. She will get the message in her own time, but don't be tempted to agree that the teacher wasn't good etc. if you don't think she was awful.

You could also ask if they have looked at other schools that may be more suited for this particular child - I think 'brightness' is so relative, maybe she is really musical or something and needs to go to a school that will draw out those qualities.

I do feel sorry for the child if she has to put up with this for the rest of her life. But the best you can do is be a 'balanced mum' about your kids and hope this woman learns something from your attitude.

Good idea. Next time she get on her high horse about the school, suggest that if she's that unhappy with them, maybe she should think about moving to another school!

Thanks both. Whatever I say will fall on deaf ears, which is why I am frustrated enough to talk about it on MN! But you've both told me that I am right to keep on gently broaching the matter!

its good advice on this thread i should follow it.
Its the child who's going to suffer as she will always feel 'not good enough' which really is a shame. I guess you can help by being supportive of the child prasing her when she doea do something you think is good, at leat that way you can help her self esteem as mother seems to be working hard to erode it. poor thing and how frustrating for you.

But if she was so bright, wouldn't she have overcome any negative effects from crap teaching 4 years ago by now and be achieving her potential? She's had different teachers since then, so are they all bad? Unless the reception teacher did something like undermine her confidence in herself, I would have expected an exceptionally bright dc to be an achiever in the long run.

I know a couple of mums who tell me how exceptional/gifted/talented their dc are and for the life of me I can't see it. I think many of us mums make the mistake of seeing what we want to see in our dc. There is one particularly sour-faced little boy I know, who I don't think I have ever seen smile or laugh or even speak pleasantly, yet his mum consistently says, "Oh, ds is such an open boy, he is always sunny and friendly to everyone". Err yeah right. That's what she wanted I suppose and she convinces herself that is what she has?

My thoughts exactly SSS. Good idea Clutteredup re trying to help support the child directly. Blimey, I feel so disloyal writing about this but really gets to me so thanks all for listening!

Perhaps the parents just haven't grown up with their child. When your DCs are tiny you tend to think they are exceptional. When they go out into the big wide world and can be compared with others you realise that there are a lot of children out there and some are better at some things than your DCs. As a general rule, gifted children will demonstrate their giftedness however bad the school - and if the school is good, they should be storming ahead.

Sounds perhaps like the parents couldn't let go at reception - it happens a lot - probably deeply psychological but who cares.

It's the child that is important here, does mother ever talk about it in front of her dd? It's really important that she doesn't, but they do pick up on everything.

If mum's not happy with the school, child probably won't be either, and may not perform to her best ability as mum's sending her to a place that's so rubbish according to mum.

I wouldn't know how to tackle it or whether to at all, but if she's a pushy parent, get her to pay for a private educational psychology assessment (around £250). It's putting her daughter through the mill a bit, but it may allay mother's fears - or maybe it would show that dd's not bright and therefore it's school's fault? Damned if you do...