shall i move schools....

[Slink]

very quick and brief i hope....., dd1 6yrs has been complaining since sept last year does not like school has no friends girls are horrid and plays with boys but only when they want her in their team have been up and down the school having meeting with teachers who say she is liked and does well in class, however dd says in the playground she sits on the hill singing songs about how lonely and sad she is. She now wants to move schools in y2 the classes will be mixed around and have another meeting with teachers this week as i get tears and tantrums at home to the point where my realTIONSHIP WITH DD IS SO BAD SAYING IF I WAS A GOOD MUM i would move her school and she has become quite aggressive aswell towards her dad and pinching me. I have dd2 6months which i don't think is the cause of this as dd1 gets lots of attention from us more so coz dd2 has arrived advice please already had a thread on the behaviour thread a few weeks ago......................
Sorry for caps and yes it was long xxxx

Do you or does your daughter have any reason to believe a different school would be any better?

Sitting on the hill singing songs about how lonely you are is not the ideal way to make friends - it's just attention seeking. As is telling you she's doing that, whether or not she really is.

I would try to encourage a view that her life's down to her, and you can't sort out all her problems and shouldn't be expected to. Nor should you or her dad have to put up with physical abuse or manipulative behaviour. You can, however, help her find ways to help herself once she admits it's at least partially her responsibility and stops lashing out. Try to find out from her where things are going wrong in the playground, if, indeed, they really are, and give her sensible advice on how she should be handling the situation.

I would be a little careful of taking what your DD says about the playground on face value, I have a few friends with children who say they have no one to play with (my DD does this as well) which isn't quite the case. You've got a bit more of an age gap than I have (4.8years) DD was when DS was born until somewhere round the 6 month mark I think, then she did have a bit of a reaction and was quite difficult as reality set in.

I think we are being quite sensible ans giving the right advice.

Both my dh and i say to her out of 30 children in your class and 100 in the playground you play with no one? then her story changes slightly, i think i am a good mum not great but i spend time with her talk its just she is horrid i am sad to say at the moment, we don't hit we prefer the go to your room or sit on the step or no tv etc aproach.

I know what your both saying about the playground and about attention seeking i just don't know why she gets so much even with dd2 being around she was so independant before.

thank you

Slink, you wouldn't be in the slightest bit concerned about her if you were a bad mother, they do try to make you feel bad at that age, please try not to though I know it's hard. It sounds as if you are handling it well and is interesting that her story changes when you ask her more about it. It is difficult to deal with a stroppy 6 year old when you have a lovely baby who is so much easier and doesn't know how to push your buttons yet. I am ashamed to say I really did go through a phase where though I loved DD dearly, I didn't actually like her too much after DS was born.

However much attention you give your DD, you can't take away from the fact that she is not your sole focus anymore and I think at some point this reality sinks into their heads and it is a huge shock, especially when they have had a number of years of being the sole focus of attention. At this point, I think they really start testing you and quite possibly this is what your DD is doing.

I think it is important to listen to her, but just to be very careful about doing something like changing schools because of what she is telling you when her teachers are telling you something different. I'm in the lucky position of living very close to the school so I have to go past it during the day anyway. I've seen my DD playing happily with people on days that she declared she spent the whole time on her own. It is horrible to hear them saying this I know, DD still tells me this sometimes.

thank you chocolate teapot, I have just got back from meeting with the teachers and they said that she mentions the baby alot at school and says she should be at home helping me but also they have not witnessed any time where she is not with a friend, she does not have one friend so goes to play with someone different all the times, they have said that in year 2 they mix the classes and they will do that to see if it helps but she is doing well in her work, i mean if she hated school she would not work, so i feel better i have said to dd that when dad gets home we are all going to have a talk.

Thank you so much for replying i too feel at the mo dd2 is a joy and dd1 drives me mad, the more i see it is a stage she has to go through and dd2 has rocked dd1.

thank you again xxxx

I'm glad it went well with the school Slink This phase is tough but it just a phase (don't you just hate it when someone says that !) My DD is now 8 and has really grown up in the last year and is actually good company and fun to be with most of the time. DS is now nearly 4 and the two of them play really well together. DD has accepted now that not everything revolves around her and I think it has actually done her a lot of good. Hang in there, this will improve, I promise !

Meanwhile are you in the position to have friends round regularly after school ? If you do, I'd keep on with that, if you haven't been but are able to I'd give that a go.

could you go in and help at school, you would get a clearer picture of the group dynamics and she would be the cool kids whose mum is there

hi they do not ask the parents to help in yr1 plus i have dd2 who is 6 months, chocolate teapot we live in a Asian area and they do not like to mix much i mean we are asian too but happy for child to mix some of the girls live on the same street and i have said to the mums that we should get together over the holidays they have agreed,

NEXT thing dh and i had a chat with dd1 and she has just said she does not like me and that i always tell her off and she wants to be with dh all the time kick in the teeth then dh said that it is dd2 thats the reason for dd1 behaviour and that we need to sort on that and that he very angry with my dad as he said thatshe has told him that he tried to stranger her i mean 6 and what a shit stirrer dh hates my dad as it is she knows too which is why she has caused waves so i have said she can't come with me again at weekends .................she is crying now.................. dh is suppotive otherwise but i feel such a shit mum i am in tears

oh sweetheart you are having such a shit time of it just now, i could tell you I have had this so many times with dd1 but its not just you and me it is everybody and you are not a shit mum, you are sitting in front of a pc trying to make her life better, what would you like best from her right now do you want time and space or do you want to build the relationship up,

Caldoran, sorry for not reply got late.

I want to build a relationship with her i want as all mothers to have a good relationship with my daughter i am the eldest of 5 girls and have a fab relationship with my mum, we had a better morning she told me she loved me and that she is sorry for upsetting me, so it's a start,
thank you xx

fantastic I am so pleased for you, I have the rockiest relationship with my dd1 but also the closest, she has been there all along and I am always learning with her and I so identify with what you were saying, its true what they said when we were preggers, giving birth is the easy bit. stay strong and look out for my next crash and burn with dd1