Help: my son is crying everyday about school

[notanothernaturaldelivery]

Hi, looking for advice for my 8 year old son. Sorry this is a long one....He was THRIVING at school. (Starting clubs, joining teams, meeting age related expectations etc). Most importantly he’d made strong friendships with conscientious boys.

And then, this year, the new headmistress unexpectedly re-shuffled the three year 4 classes and separately my son from all his friends. The class list was like a juvenile roll call. The kids were feral. Of course he knew all these kids; he’s spent the last five years avoiding them! He was alarmed at the prospect.

We begged the form teacher to reconsider her recommendation, we demanded the headmistress review it, we (well, I) sobbed to the joint governors for over an hour to put him back with his boys, who all, miraculously, had been kept together in the re-shuffle, but the answer was a unanimous no. Their reasons included: class numbers, boy/girl mix, and apparently social groupings. Above all, they said if they moved one kid, then they’d get millions more parents trying to dictate to the school what they wanted all the time. So we became a poster case for a new headmistress trying to assert her authority.

My 8 year old has been in the class for 14 weeks and has not integrated at all. The school reassured us that his teacher is the best teacher in the school (indeed she is) and she would keep control of the kids (indeed she did) and he would learn the most from her.

Last week she dropped dead.

My son reacted strangely to this. He didn’t cry. He just asked who his new teacher would be. Since then he has cried hysterically before and after school each day. Although he’s asked to be homeschooled before (I work; not an option), tonight he begged me to take him out of the school.

The headmistress, who still stands by her appalling decision to keep him in that class in the first place, insists we leave him be, so the class can grieve together. At first I agreed. Now I am becoming increasing anxious about my son’s wellbeing, and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The local comprehensives are quite rough and would not be suitable for a sweet and now vulnerable little boy (he’s an August baby too). We applied for a very good local independant school, which would have put a strain on us to fund but we felt we had no other option. Unfortunately he didn’t get in. We cannot reapply for two years. This has knocked his confidence.

I have told the school he is desperately unhappy, but when the headmistress spoke to him about it, he nodded and whispered everything was fine because he’s a ‘yes yes’ boy, and that’s what he thought he should do. This reignited the headmistress’s ammunition not to move him.

Can Ofsted help?

My case for it not being morally right to segregate a kid to a class with unpredictable boys whom he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to withstand, has fallen on deaf ears. The new teacher is telling him off for retaliating to things she‘s not aware of having been initiated by others. All the while he is sinking. His confidence is on the floor. I don’t know what to do..?

My parents pulled my sister out of school after she developed severe anxiety and would cry every morning before school. She seemed to be bullied by a teacher (actually there was mixed signals but by then the damage had been done) and she's much better now being home schooled.
She is older than your son though as she's in secondary school.

Are there no other possible options for you? Can he not attend a school further afield? Ofsted unfortunately won't be able to do anything to help you but it's definitely worth getting your son out of an environment he's struggling with.

Is he just missing his friends, or is he actually being bullied? They are two different issues.
If he is lonesome, can he see about inviting one of the more behave children over for a playdate?
If he is being bullied, the specific incidents themselves need to be addressed, before moving to a whole other school.

It sounds like he's really not coping, poor lad is there any way he can have a break?

Is he aware of how upset you have been about the reshuffle and the efforts you have been making to get the decision over-turned? I'm just wondering if that is making it harder for him to settle.
I think the time has come for you to make a decision, to either decide to be as positive as possible about the new class and their new teacher (arrange some play dates, lots of positive comments etc.) or you need to look at a new setting for your DS. It doesn't sound as though the status quo is working for your DS.

I think I'd stop trying to move classes. It sounds pretty clear that it will not happen.

So you need to make the current situation work - either by working with the school to help your son settle in the class and deal with the loss of his teacher, or by moving him to a new school.

Am I right in thinking that it is just since his teachers death he has become so upset with school? So the kids in the class aren't the problem - he has dealt with them all term? It's something else happening? I'd try and identify that.

Our classes are shuffled each year. We are in the feral class this year. Hopefully not next year!

It is sad he feels so down but I can't help thinking you perpetuated his upset by trying to argue the case beyond expressing the initial concern. You need to get over whatever dislike you have for the head and their changes. The death of a teacher will be a huge shock for all involved and adjustment take time, but it could also be an opportunity for a fresh start to the year. He can still see his friends at break-time and as they get older the groups may well remix. Find alternative ways to keep him positive - school clubs, out of school activities, playdates - where he can either see his old friends or make new ones. Are you perhaps also "missing" the bond with his friends mums by being out of the loop?

Thanks guys. He has seen my (recent) upset despite shielding it from him initially, and it could well be that this is making it worse.

Okay battleplan 1: to integrate him in the class. Lets try and have one kid over and get him an ally. Not sure who but there must be one.

it has definitely got worse since his teacher died. This has been the catalyst. Do I put this down to grief and let it settle? Or that the new teacher doesn’t have the same hold - maybe I should becdiscussing this with the new form tutor and not the Head all the time?

Can you arrange to take some parental leave next school term, so that you have the time to deal with this? In the meantime would be tempted to go to your GP and say you are worried that the headteacher is not taking his mental health seriously. If someone has time out of work for health problems they can often return to work with a GP's letter of recommendations regarding arrangements for their health. You may fine that if you say that under the current circumstances he cannot return to school, that you could get the same sort of thing saying that he he needs adjustments like being in the class where he feels safe.

I'd pull him out of that school so fast the blur would make the gates slam shut. He's making no fuss as he's a people pleaser so they are walking all over him. Can you move house?
The primary class sounds awful and the next school sounds as bad.

His teacher has died the whole class must be all over the place

And its just a class change his friends are still at the school

DD was split from her best friend in a class switch - they are still best friends

I also think you need to think about how you are reacting affects him. An 8 year old alarmed at the prospect of being in a class with feral children - that is you speaking not him - you need to work with it - give him the emotional maturity stop thinking of him as a defenceless August baby because that is what he will be

I would say take him out.

I worried until I was ill about my DS (also aged 8) who just did not integrate into his school really (but liked the familiarity of it despite being very vulnerable and anxious.) He is on the spectrum so I didn't know how he would manage a move. Things came to a head before half term and I moved him to a tiny independent school closer to home. He is a different child. Nobody picks on him, he's no longer distracted (6 in a class = nowhere to hide and no bad behaviour.) He skips out of school, literally SKIPS and I have my little boy back.

I know this is a different scenario to you, but I spent 4 years trying to make it work for him and in the end it simply didn't.

My primary school shuffled the classes at the end of each year so we were never in the exact same class.

It sounds like your son just got really comfortable with who he was with and this probably would have happened anyway when switching to secondary school and being separated from him friends then.

Do you mind me asking how your son is when with the other children? Does he actively get involved with them or does he distance himself from them as their not from his previous class?

If he does do that, then I don't think there is much that can be done until he accepts that that's the situation. Surely he still sees the others a break times and could see them outside of school?

There is no point in considering appealing to Ofsted, your Local Authority or the local MP. None of them are going to have any effect on the headteacher or the governing board of the school.
The options have to be, find another school (though that might not be any better) or work with the school to improve the situation.
I agree with other posts that there may be more to this than just the separation from his friends, because he must be able to play with them at break and lunch time. The teacher dying is a massive trauma for everybody concerned and it is not going to be easy to get over that for many pupils.
I think you have to be positive for him but also strong in insisting that he is in this school and in this class for the foreseeable future because I do expect that he is picking up on your angst over this class and you need to get him out of that frame of mind.

Thanks for all your comments. He's had a better day today, and I've arranged to see the form tutor on Monday. Over the phone today she's already advised me to put on the breaks with everything; forget homework and spellings etc and just let him be till xmas - we're going into the last week of term after all.

Socially he's never struggled (people pleaser) and he runs back to his friends from the other class at break times so it's just class time that worries me. He vehemently refuses to integrate with the class kids and that's not through my prejudice. I've suggested inviting kids over but he's not just not open to these particular boys. If he accepts that he's there for good, maybe his attitude will change.

My anger is that he should never have been in this class in the first place, but that's now displaced anger.

lollygagges - I'm so pleased you moved your boy and he is so happy. If we don't get anywhere, that's my only option left.

Genevieva - I'd not thought of seeing the GP before. That's a good suggestion. I'm going to wait and see what the form teacher says on Monday.

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate the feedback

Not sure what to suggest but after staff changes dc was in tears going to school. After a year I moved her and it was a completely different child. Never really found out what was the main problem.

If your son is that upset then you should consult your GP with a view to getting him to get further help.

If he's refusing to integrate with the new class then he is the problem, not the class.

As for saying he should never have been in that class, the classes were switched up and the school has every right to do that. Your son is being quite rude by not even giving his new classmates a chance.

It's sad that he's been split from his friends, but it was always going to happen at some point, whether that's going to secondary school or class switches.

If he struggles to integrate but previously was fine, I would think that his new class does not make it easy for him. I don't know the kids he is with but it is obvious that children can be, for all kinds of reasons, mean
They may well stick together with their old friends maybe even the death of the poor teacher made them more clique. As adults we sometimes realize that a job offers not a great working environment and we will change jobs as a result. Often things get much better afterwards. But we often expect children, who are much more vulnerable, to stick in a difficult and potentially damaging situation. If there is truly no where suitable you could move him to, I would feel very upset and angry at the situation.

Not rtft
But i work with schools

Regardless of the class situation outcome i would push hard for him to receive counselling via the school. Dont accept no for an answer

Two big changes (class move and teacher death) at one time are very confusing and upsetting at his age and being an august born

I would also try the tack of how much this disruption will be impacting their sats results in 2 yrs time. Do they want that? If not they better sort it asap

Good luck to you

Ask the class teacher to help him make some new friends.

Avoid describing children as “feral”. Like you said, there must be a couple of potential pals in there.