School gate parent politics - help?!

[waddleandtoddle]

I have a scenario where there is a 'popular' group of parents. They have taken a disliking to my son, which is down to parent politics - I left the employ of the 'alpha' female. My son is doing amazing at school, social with the other kids, great education and taking the chance to be involved with good music, drama and sport opportunities. The school is happy with him.

What I do get though, is around every 3 months one of the parents in the 'popular' crowd will approach me and claim my son is bullying their child. He's punching them, or has dealt with a situation badly - ie he pushed one kid in a bad way and he was hurt.

I keep going back to the school. I keep saying please tell me if my son is aggressive, if he bullies or if he does anything naughty. There's no smoke without fire. It's getting uncomfortable me being dressed down in public and that I can't say, yes I know my DS did that and I apologise. The school are resolute that my son is well behaved and there is nothing to report. Occasionally he forgets himself, gets boisterous, but no less or any more than any other boy. I keep asking if it's because he's an only child, he doesn't get rough and tumble. He goes on play dates with other parents, he's good as gold.

So I am now getting to the point where I really want to say, please stop letting parents on site. I only seem to get a situation where a parent has witnessed a scenario on site in school hours. But aware that's a lot to ask.

My question - how on earth do I get my son his safe space at school to be himself? Where he can do things wrong as we all do, and be able to learn from them? I feel so powerless because the school are saying they are so happy with him.

Next time she says anything say loudly and clearly that you would like her to report the incident to the class teacher as teachers are unaware of her previous claims. Do not engage further or make apologies. School can investigate and will speak with her or you if necessary.

When you're approached by parents politely suggest that they should take up their issues with the school as they are better placed to resolve them.

‘Oh that sounds terrible for X. What did Mrs X say about it?’

End of discussion.

Agree with Piglet, of course you are concerned if your son is involved in bullying another child but in the interests of all involved you would prefer them to report this sort of thing to the teacher in the first instance.

Does the school have a policy that all complaints relating to another child’s behaviour during schooltime should be made to the school rather than a fellow parent? I’d so, have they made this policy clear?

I would tell the school you are dropping him off later and picking him up earlier so that you can avoid her. They'll need to take action then as it won't look good for them when and if you have an attendance officer is asking you why you're coming in later.

If these accusations are coming from parent-volunteers in school, and are then found to be baseless, then the school needs to deal with these unsuitable volunteers. I might be inclined to ask for a meeting with the head, go through the list of times this has happened - each one not shown to be true. Then ask the head how they intend on preventing this from continuing as it is beginning to border on harassment.

Thanks all! Okay. I am getting to the point I am more than convinced that my son isn't bullying in any way. But my son is looking bad if he handles a situation in a wrong way ie with pushing - but my point is, why are parents seeing this? Why before 3.30 are parents on site, and free to spectate to the point they can comment on a child's behaviour? Surely undermines the teachers?

@Ringbinger - perhaps this is what I need to ask for. Iterating that any complaints need to be handled by teachers.

It's hard to end a conversation @AppleKatie. They are always fuelled by emotion and anger - like they've been trying to tell me for months! And that is what is really really confusing me. I get it, my son has been on the other end. I get told they've been reporting it to the school. But I've not been told by the school, with the school saying they'd tell me anything I'd need to know. And I've said I need to know the small things from day dot, because this is becoming quite reoccurring now.

@ineedtolovemyself An idea.

The problem isnt the 'her' strangely. It's her 'friends' .

Are these parents on the school site during the day because they are volunteering?

If anyone confronts you in the playground, I would just stonewall them and repeat that they need take any allegations to the relevant teachers. Keep repeating it and don't engage. Move towards any teachers in the playground so they can hear what's going on.

Oh that sounds terrible for X. What did Mrs X say about it?’
End of discussion.

I love this approach.

I'd also speak to the teacher too. Parent volunteers actually should have a little bit of common sense and not be involved in nasty shit stirring.

I hope it resolves for you.

@AssassinatedBeauty Can I go as far as harassment? The parents that are vocal the most, volunteer for things. The school have agreed to not have one person class volunteer - she went as far as shouting at me, then dressing down the teacher at another part of the school 10 mins later - but I really don't want to be the source of removing all volunteering resource.

As I write more, it makes me realise how tricky this all feels!!!

You wouldn't be asking to remove all volunteering resources, just the ones who keep making accusations direct to you of bullying, which consistently turn out to be false. Those people need to stop working anywhere near your child, or stop altogether. It's a question of protecting your child from the actions of these parents.

It must be against their volunteering code for parents to take issues directly to other parents? They must surely all be told to speak to teaching staff.

A grown woman shouted at you because your primary aged child pushed? She sounds a bit unhinged.

Sounds like this has got way out of control if it has already escalated to them shouting at you, a teacher and someone being banned from volunteering.

I think if it’s really that awful I’d change my response to ‘you are harassing me and my son now stop or I will contact the police’

And then do it. People aren’t allowed to shout and intimate you in public regularly.

I would also make a complaint to the head - you and your son do not feel safe on their playground.

Think that it is time to raise this directly with the school as a safeguarding issue. If the parents involved are in / around the school before the end of the day there is an issue about why they are being allowed in. If they are there as parent volunteers then they should have been given very clear instructions about not discussing anything that goes on in school. If they are saying things outside of the school then that is a safeguarding issue which the school need to address.

Think you need to talk to the headteacher and make the point that you are upset as is your son by the comments made to you and other, when the school is saying there is no issue. If these parents have access to the school during the school then they need reminding about their roles.

My DC's infants had a rule that no one could volunteer in their child's class. This might work at your school? You could say that you were concerned about parents gossiping about things that happened in the classroom when they were volunteering.