If your dc was in a year group with only 1 potential friend would you consider moving them?

[SparklePrincess]

My dd will be in a class with only 3 other girls in September.Two of these girls are best friends and exclude all others, so that leaves just one possible friend for my dd in her own year group. There is also one girl in the year above she occasionally plays with, but other than that nobody. I have been pushing the friendship with this other girl since learning of the class organization, and they play fine together at our house, but dd is still on her own at school. Dd`s social skills are a bit lacking. I think she may even have mild AS or ADD or something When other children come round to play she often ignores them and does her own thing. At her own birthday party she went off on her own. Its like theres something different, but I cant quite put my finger on it. She has terrible concentration (or lack of) and its difficult to get through to her. If she doesnt want to do something she wont. She has spent the last year pretty much on her own in the play ground if the teacher hasnt organized a buddy for her.
After learning about the class organization for September im now seriously considering moving her to a slightly bigger school with lots more possible friends in the class for her to hopefully have something in common with. Perhaps another school will pick up on any possible needs she may have too? But I also worry that if she acts exactly the same way at another school things will be exactly the same there for her too.
What would you do?

Not sure what I would do but would certainly discuss my concerns with the Head to see if she/he has any strategies.
Really just wanted to sympathise with you. Good luck.

Sparkle, tough call. My dd is in a class of 6 at the moment, going down to 3 in september and it is not dissimilar. I am looking to move her, but only when I am really sure that i have found her a school where she will be OK for a long time. Changing schools is a pretty big thing when you are a kid (I should know, went to 5 in 7 years).

How old is your dd?

What does the teacher say about her social skills?

In those circs I would mover her. That class is very disprportionate and it won't help her esteem.

is there no chance she would be friends with the boys ?

I ask because my DS was in a class of 7 girls and him (now one other boy) - and he happily plays with them - playdates and all.

My dd is 6 and in year one at the moment. She does occasionally play with boys, one of them adores her & they played a lot together at the start of reception, but now shes not that keen.
I have discussed my worries with the teacher before, and she is trying to help (sort of) but shes close to retirement and very stuck in her ways. Also, there are a lot of statemented special needs children in the school who take up a lot of the teachers time, it seems that others with less obvious needs are being overlooked. I know someone who took their son out of the school because his needs were not being recognised at the school. He is now at another school where his needs were spotted immediately. Unfortunately this school doesnt have a space for dd at the moment.
The teacher dd will have in september is new so I havent met/spoken to her yet. The head teacher is also leaving soon & families are jumping ship left right & centre its very unsettling for the children.

Yes, I did exactly that 2 years ago. dd had one girl in class + 16 boys. Other girl was lovely, best friend but both sets of parents decided 1 friend wasn't enough. We moved both girs to a more balanced school at the same time. Thank goodness we did, because now the other family have found they have to move.
Both girls got on fine with the boys, but I think they need a mix, especially as they get older.
We agonised over the move at the time, now see that really it was the only thing to do.

Thanks slowreader,
My first instinct is to move her, but problem is I have another dd at the school who will be going into year 4 who doesnt want to move schools. It would certainly make for a difficult school run if I did move my dd. I wonder whether I should wait & see what happens in September or just move her now? A few weeks ago I was all set to move her, we had a taster day at another school sorted & everything, but then she got quite excited at the thought of a new teacher so I decided to give it one last try with her current school. Ive been really pushing the friendships & inviting girls over after school. they play together nicely here, but at school dd is still left out in the cold

Is she lonely? Who does the other little girl play with if the remaining 2 are a pair?
It is very difficult, I hated moving dd- it meant a drive to next town instead of lovely walk through village for one thing but she was 8 not 6 and would have been entirely alone if I hadn't. I suppose you have a little more flexibility and can wait a year if necessary to see if things improve.
Brownies helped dd make friends. Is that possible?

She goes to Rainbows & I think she enjoys that. Its so hard to get any sort of answer out of her. All I know is she started school very confident & that confidence seems to be draining away If it wasnt for having a sister there id take her out immediately.
Im not sure who the other girl plays with. Possibly reception kids, some of the yr2`s or her elder sister. I dont really know if dd feels lonely or not, I think she does sometimes.
I can hardly believe this is happening to her. She was such a confident child, over confident even. I just had NO worries about her whatsoever. It was her elder sister who worried me because she is very shy. I realise now I have spent so much time agonizing about her sister that ive pretty much allowed dd to get on with it thinking she would always be fine.
{banging head against a brick wall emotion]

Poor you. Are 2 school runs impossible? Could they take it in turns to be a bit early/late? Using breakfast/ afterschool clubs?

SparklePrincess this sounds a very difficult situation for you and your DD, especially as her sister is at the school. I have picked up that you said that she was very confident and now isn't - is that right? Has she actually said what she wants? Have you put the options to her? Does she know you feel like this? Of course I am not saying that you should pre-empt things but it may be that she sees things differently to you?

When I arranged a taster day for her at another (lovely) school a few weeks ago she was well up for it. She was counting the days even till she went there. Her sister was also keen to go & have a look. Turned out we couldnt make it because of car trouble in the end, also this school is another tiny school & there are only 3 girls in the year group she would be joining if she went there, so we could end up with the same problem. She still asks me when shes going there for the day & I feel like such a mean mummy
It is actually possible for me to do 2 school runs if I have to. Morning is easy, my eldest goes in early to help out & their current school starts 10-15 minutes earlier than the other local schools. Picking up would be not so easy, my eldest would have to wait in the reception area until I arrived to pick her up, which would be about 20 minutes later.

I can see how difficult this is for you and would feel the same way - this could be taking her out of the frying pan into the fire. I think as well that if it were me I would try and guard against separating your two. Not only does this create a problem for you but it also means that your younger DD is on her own. At least currently she has her sister in the school to turn to.

How about ascertaining first and foremost if she does have some social problems? You will then be better placed to get the right solution for her and the rest of the family. I think having more definite answers will help you with your decisions.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you and your DD.

yes I would look for a different school but with an older sibling already in the school, it is a very difficult decision to make.

What does the teacher think? What has your other dd seen her sister doing at playtime? Does the school have prefects, or buddies, or any other sort of system where the big ones look out for the littles? Sorry to bombard you with questions!

Im not sure what to do with regard to her possible social problems. School didnt spot the fact that she was virtually blind as a bat after nearly 2 years in their care, so I dont hold out much hope for anything else. I suppose as long as nobody else is acknowledging any problem I can delude myself there isnt one. Perhaps there isnt one? maybe the reason for her odd behaviour is because shes always had this sight problem which was never spotted & has been doing her best to be normal in a world where, being half blind she was incapable of joining in & behaving as normal children do? Nobody wants to think their child is different, & we love her no matter what. I dont want to take her to the GP & say "my child is different" what else can I do?

Hi kate, dds teacher quite often organizes a buddy (from the class) for her at playtime. She is supposed to have a buddy to help her from yr4, but shes no help. Other schools ive visited have wonderful schemes in place to ensure a child isnt left out at playtime. Dds school need to work on this. Dd`s sister has often seen her alone in the playground. They used to play together sometimes which made it worse for both of them by separating them from their peer groups. My eldest is encouraged to keep away from her sister now.

SparklePrincess, I know you probably have, but just in case I am going to say it. Talk to her. Pick one of those situations where she is talking to you about stuff and drop a few questions in. I am only saying this because I have underestimated my DD recently (in fact she never ceases to amaze me how 'with' everything she is) and do think that you will find some of the answers from her. I also agree with Katelyle in that I would approach the school and air your fears. I can see they have let you down in the past(meaning not spotting the sight problem) but don't write them off because of this. I would go in and speak to the teacher directly. If nothing else it would be interesting to understand/see your DDs perspective as well as yours and theirs to help you make a decision.

Would dd1 hate to move? Could she do a trial day in the new school alone (so as not to raise dd2's hopes) and if she thought she would like the adventure of a move relocate them both?
I should not be happy about her being encouraged to keep away from her little sister. That sounds so sad, especially if she can see she is alone.

I have spoken to the teacher before, but I havent asked her outright "is my dd different to the other children?" She has made comments to that effect to me before though about dds social difficulties & often reluctance to complete work. I now think a lot of that was to do with the fact that she couldnt see though. This teacher is virtually at retirement & probably very set in her ways & not open to the possibilities of a child having AS or ADD as a younger teacher would. All this stuff was unheard of when she would of trained 40+ years ago. The Newly qualified teacher she is due to have in September should be much more clued up about those sorts of things. My next move has been to ring another local school & arrange to go & look around on monday. This school has 13 girls in dds year group, but still only around 25 in the actual class, so sounds positive. Hopefully things will become clearer (or even more confused ) once monday is over with.

Dd1 currently does not want to move, & id worry about moving her tbh as she is very shy & would be a magnet for any less than understanding children At least she`s not bullied where she is now.

join a class out of school like judo, or tennis where she can make other friends. you cant start moving kids whenever friendship problems occur because in my experience kids take the same issues with them and the same thing may happen again. do lots of outside school stuff - say every saturday afternoon.

actually read more posts and it sounds like the school needs a bit of work. maybe you should move now but make sure youve got a good reason, dont bring up the social thing because she will start thinking shes different the more its talked about. start talking about other sides of the school you may want to move her for, like sports facilities etc and put aside all talk of her social problem.

Girlyshirley, my reason for moving her is the severe lack of girls in her class, nothing else really. Any other issues other people have with the school do not effect us. If only there were a few more girls to join that class then all would be well. I actually really like the school & am very happy with the education they have received there. The lack of possible friends for dd has been a huge issue this year & I just want to make things better for her. She already goes to Rainbows after school, & has just finished swimming. Im considering her starting judo or gymnastics in September.

is it an independent school?