How can I 'shake off' this over-keen mum...?

[NormaSnorks]

Oh dear, I feel bad posting this, as I can imagine it as a posting on MN from the Mum in question (I'm pretty sure she isn't a MN-er!).

There's a working mum at DS1's school who has two children about the same age as DS, one of whom is in his class. She works almost full time, and runs her family with a scary military-like precision. Until recently I was also a full-time working mum, and I think she just 'decided' that my son would be a good friend for hers, and that I would be a useful ally at the school gate!

The kids do some of the same things after school together, so occasionally we share lifts etc.

Problem is, she always seems to be pushing for more - more playdates, sharing pick-ups, party lifts etc.

DS sort of gets on with her son in his class , but there have been some issues as this boy is rather immature, and isstruggling a bit, and my son is older, more confident, and towards the top of his class. They have been paired for some work in class, and DS1 came home complaining that X was messing about, distracting him, and generally not getting on with the work.
Meanwhile, the mum saw me at the school and said how wonderful it was they were working on this project together so well .

I've had to reciprocate on the odd playdate thing, and her kids just trash my house and are loud and unruly.

So here's the crunch - my kids are now moving schools into a local independent, and this family are too!

The Mum has already been going on about how wonderful it will be to have the boys together. Privately, I have asked the school not to put them in the same class (this was after a conversation with DS, where he was upset at the thought of this boy being with him at the new school, as it turns out other friends were teasing him about having 'babyish X' as his friend).

AND THEN IT GETS WORSE..... we now find out today that this family have put an offer on a house about 300 yards from ours!
And this morning the Mum was telling me about how she's worked out a lift share plan for us for Sept...

I really want to nip this in the bud before it even starts. I don't want to become bosom buddies with this woman - we don't really have anything in common - but she just doesn't seem to take the hint. I've declined invitations for DH & I to go for dinner/ get together with our families at weekends etc, btu she just keeps trying to re-book!

I just have this horrible feeling that we are part of some 'gameplan' of hers and that she's not going to give up.

I don't really want to be rude but I don't know how else to distance ourselves. It wouldn't be fair to stop the kids' activities to avoid them.

oh dear, sorry that's long - I was ranting wasn't I

sorry, no help but

Message withdrawn

Maybe try and find some new mummy friends for her at the new school?

hmm, she does sound a bit stalky. i dont think there is anything that you can do apart from continue to refuse invitations. and maybe say ' i dont think ds and your son are really friends at the mo, you know what (insert age) year olds are like, very fickle. they probably will be in a couple of months.'
and say ' i really want to have flexibility about the school run etc as i might have to er, visit elderly aunt a lot/let out a dog/ lie lie lie/ get new job/ run dp about/ whatever so cant commit to that it will probably be safer if you make your own arrangement.' smile sweetly throughout and pray they dont get hte house! hth

View the house they've offered on and put kippers behind the radiators. Sorry, she just sounds like a user of people with horrible kids but there's no polite way to handle it. I'd try not to put pressure on your son to play with him and don't accept playdates any more. Sure you've thought of this already.

I had to deal with very similar behaviour from a 'friend' whose daughter had befriended my dd. This woman was a complete and utter 'user' of friendship - a bit like you say -she had plans for us, whether we wanted to be part of it or not.

I found that subtlety didn't work and tbh have had to sever all contact with her.

I would steel yourself, look her straight in the eye and say, 'you are far too organised for me but you know organising this far in advance really doesn't work for me - and to be honest, I'd like me and ds to establish our own routine before we start thinking about sharing lifts'

She wants more playdates? You look her straight in the eye and say 'ds seems to be quite tired of late so I'm toning down playdates.'

You must just keep saying it - do not give in under any circumstances. Even doing this, it took nearly 6 months to get this through to her.

Good luck

Dior - yes, I'm afraid she really IS that bad!

I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but she's not British-born, and English isn't her first language, so 2 things:

• it always feels as if she's shouting at me, and I don't even understand what she's saying half the time
• I don't think she 'gets' the subtleties of the english language - she really does seem to be thick-skinned.

Also, this is terrible, but all the other parents avoid her like the plague too, so I don't want to arrive at this new school and to be associated with her as my 'best friend'

Well if she's working nearly full time surely she won't be able to cramp your style at the school. At meetings don't sit next to her, whatever. She's not your responsibility. Cultural sensitivity doesn't mean you have to put up with her imo. With any luck she'll cling on to someone else.

I'm thinking bunny,big pan and hot water tbh

err... i think she kinda sounds nice though?...Why do you dislike her?

i guess just cool it a bit...refuse a few lifts/rides/playdates keep her at arms length if you aren't so keen.

She may be struggling with the cultural differences, and maybe worried about her ds's ability. You can choose not to be friends with her but can you still support her in some way?

OOh I know!!!

Get headlice! Judging by the responses on MN to them that should get her off you back..

Oh I hatre situations like this, and have been in them before. people like this push and push and ignore all hints until they basically force you to be rude to them, and that makes you the baddie - ugh.

However I do think it sounds as if the language barrier might be at the heart of it in this case. English-speakers do tend to rely on the tiniest nuances and euphemisms to try to get things across without causing offence - for non-english speakers it must be very confusing.

Could you be totally honest with her - "You have tried to arrange a lot of things with us and want us to spend time together which is very nice, but I would like to allow my DS to take things at his own pace - and we are just not the kind of family who plans everything in this way." or similar? If you are upfront and assertive it doesn't have to sound rude - "Thank you for offfering to arrange x, but it doesn't fit with what we're doing so we'll have to say no." She may really need more than a hint.

FWIW though, while I think you should tried to avoid upsetting her, I don't think you owe her anything and I don't think you need to support her. IME that leads to people like this clinging to you for dear life.

Tell her you are cutting down playdates as you want to keep as much 'family time' as poss. And that you have scaled down your work hours because you want to be able to take/pick up your ds everyday.

She sounds like a very bossy woman... . Not the sort who understands the concept of taking a hint.

You are quite right to go behind a back to put a spanner in the works of her plans for you and your family. Stay as far as possible and don't have any qualms about it. She has her own agenda that isn't yours.

I like what HuwEdwards says

maybe you just need to be direct

Maybe you could say that DS is happy to play with her DS occasionally but that he doesn't consider her DS a friend and you are not willing to force friendships on him.

Tell her that you want your child and your family to find their own feet at the school first so you feel it would be best if you talk about the possibility of lifts etc in the new year and give the children at least a term to settle into their own classes.

Tell her that you like her but that you are afraid that you don't have the time to develop any more friendships

Being a foreigner myself I think...NOT the right thing for you to use the language barrier as an excuse. Please just invite her out for a cup of coffee and explain to her how you feel. Don't do this subtle hinting thingie that you british people apparently are so good at.

She aint daft you know. She is holding down a full time job, taking care of her children and probably also her husband. Just like the rest of us. To me it sounds like she is trying to do what is best for her children here.

I tried inviting over one of my daughter's best friend at nursery, the woman will have nothing to do with us. We have invited them 3 times,. Her child has asked to come to over place. The only reason we can come up with is snobbery. However if you don't tell me that you don't want to know us, then we won't know and then we are going to keep asking (for our childrens' sake because they for some reason like your child/ren), AND we are going to think that you are a SNOB, and VERY RUDE.

maisiemor

[Hijack alert] Dinosaur. I've sent you a CAT as I've lost all the information about the event on Friday. Could you possibly email me?

Back to the thread. Very tricky. NormaSnorks, setting aside cultural differences etc., do you think that this mother is so persistent because she wants to exploit her connection wtih you for the sake of efficiency, for the sake of her child or because she genuinely wants to be your friend?

Issy - that's exactly it - I don't think she really is interested in us in particular, I just imagine that she has a checklist somewhere which reads:

• bright child to encourage and be friends (and hopefully help) with my child
• family in same neighbourhood
• parents with 'right' professional status for her and her husband (they are both senior in their fields of work)
• same gender children with similar interests

ALSO

I have this sneaking suspicion that because DH & I both work from home/ locally we are extremely flexible in our ability to manage childcare/ after school ferrying about.
I think I have noticed a pattern emerging with this woman whereby she 'asks' to have my DS1 over to play with her boys ('because they like him so much') and then strangely within the next two weeks we'll get a request "oh, I have a late meeting in town, could you possibly have X&Y after school"
Honestly, I swear she is trying to develop us as emergency childcare.

You're all right, I just need to start declining everything, and start using some of the excellent suggested phrases here .

It's a bit of a shame, because it would probably be useful to have someone local at the same school, but just not her!!

I can see that you don't want to be relied upon as a childcare option, but think you should be a bit more sympathetic. If English is her second language of course she might not understand the subtleties of it. Would you in another language? It pays to be a bit open minded - playgrounds can be very cliquey. And if no-one else likes her why not say the odd friendly comment to her. Doesn't mean you have to be best friends.

SL - unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a halfway house option with her - I really don't want to give her any encouragement because then she'll suddenly be 'full on'.

If my son(s) got on really well with hers then I'd tolerate it for their sake, but they don't and in fact DS1 always seems in a bad mood after he's spent time with them, so we're not getting anything out of the relationship as far as I can see.

I'm afraid I am also a busy mum, and I don't have time and energy for coffee/ sympathy (which I don't think is what she needs BTW!). English is not her first language, but they've lived here for over 10 years, so I would imagine her comprehension is pretty good.