11+ Preparation, I fill madness

[Lenazayka]

Hello Mums,

I really need your help, advice, support and opinion.

We started to do an extra learning support with our DS at the middle of year 1. In opinion of the teachers, boy was behind the learning standards. At the year 2 he caught up the program and at the year 3 won two Math Competition (local and London). Then we changed the school and started work on 11+ materials. Currently, we are in year 5 at the top state primary school in our area.

The last year tests results in Bond and Letts materials were Math 95%, English 85%, VR 85% and NVR 90%. The boy was not confident only in creative writing and comprehension. At the school he was ok, one of the top pupils in all discipline.

This year we continue do some papers at home. Also attend a learning centre for two hours, which mainly use CGP materials. It is very rarely when the child gets results above 65% in any subject.

Moreover, at the first time DS failed a school comprehension test and got just 52% in the first mock English KS2 exam. A teacher tried to calm down me - the boy slightly rush while reading, not familiar with the exam style and has broad knowledge. But I am a mother, my heart is broken.

I am sitting in tears during the last three weeks and do not know why this is happen to him.😥 I can hardly imagine how we would sit the entrance exams into selective schools with such attitude and results. DS desires to be a good, dreams about Oxford ( medicine or economic), won a lot of prizes ... and stuck😥

I would be appreciated if someone who was in such situation share experience to overcome this difficult moment.

Thanks

Right, I think you really need to calm down
Your son sounds to be doing very well and in any case even if he does not score highly enough in the 11+ to go to a selective it doesnt mean he can’t fulfil his dreams ( yours or his?)
Crying for 3 weeks is over the top and not fair on your son, you will make him unhappy and then he really won’t be able to do his best
Your heart should not be broken over one test, stop being so dramatic, we all want the best for our children and maybe in his case it’s selective school or maybe not but all the drama and crying won’t make him score higher marks.

Thank you for the support Hoppinggreen.

You are right - all we do, we do in the best interests of our children. I would like to help my DS to find the right place in his life. He was a hard working person but something happen to him now. He soars in the clouds ( not in the book) while answering on the assessment tests.

The dream of university came from his current school as well as a desire to study at the selective school.

Of course, It is not deadly and there are some good secondary around us. Sometimes I think that asking too much but 11+ exam would not be possible retake. This is why I am worrying about now.

I would have a look at the non-selective schools around you and calm down a bit. I imagine you will find that children are getting good results and going on to university from all of them.

If HE wants to sit the selection tests then it's up to you whether you think this is the right thing but I would certainly be stressing that his future success in life does not depend on him passing them.

In the nicest possible way, you need to sort yourself out, because you are not acting in his best interests by crying for weeks over one primary school test

Everyone has an off day now and then, no need to panic about it! He's a child and from what you have described is doing very well academically, at the expense of him having a childhood. I really hope he hasn't seen you crying about this one exam result, or heard you talking about how you feel about it. I think your expectations of him are unrealistic and very unfair.

You risk switching him off altogether with your pressure. Ease off a bit.

I agree with PPs - in the kindest way, OP, you do need to take a deep breath and stop stressing over this. Your DS sounds very bright and a quick learner, but the 11+ is not the be all and end all. I went to a grammar school myself, but deliberately moved out of the 100% grammars/secondary moderns county because I didn't want the same system for my children. It works brilliantly for some children and far less well for others. One test is not an indication of your DS's true ability, but even if he doesn't pass the 11+, there are many many different options. Plenty of very bright children don't pass the 11+ but achieve their true (very high) potential.

And I hope I've misunderstood you, and your primary school was just talking about universities in general, because I would have thought that discussing a primary aged pupil aiming specifically for Oxford is completely nuts. A close relative of mine went to Oxford, and my very bright brother decided from an early age that he'd like to follow in our relative's footsteps and also study at Oxford. As it turned out, he did get into Oxford - but our parents barely ever talked about it with him until he was in the sixth form and knew he had a good shot at it. They never wanted to put him under any pressure or to think that Oxford was the only good option for him. There are so many other great options out there and your DS is still very young. In the nicest way possible, OP, you sound like your son is being put under a lot of pressure and you are putting yourself under pressure too.

This is a very high amount of pressure for a 8/9 year old. He will have picked up how invested you are in his academic success and this is bound to have an effect on him. Chances are he feels he has to say he wants to do Oxbridge, medicine etc because he knows this pleases you.
If he has the potential to get into a selective school he will, with some preparation. If not, then it’s not for him and you have to be positive and supportive no matter which school he eventually goes to. Don’t make him feel a failure at age 11 because he didn’t get into the local grammar school.

You only have one childhood. I hope you are also thinking of other aspects of his life eg friendships, cultural activities, relaxation. They are also really important and other aspects of his self esteem apart from just academics.
I’m saying this kindly, but try to look into why this is so important to you and remember your child’s mental health at the end of the day is more important than academic success.

Passing the 11+ Is not the only way to succeed in life. If your ds is as able as you believe then he will do well wherever he goes to school. There’s are many children who aren’t ready for the 11+ at the age of 10 who go on to do great things with their lives. Please don’t put all your eggs in one basket let your son prove himself when the time is right for him rather than when he is forced to.

You need to get some perspective on this, to avoid yourself going crazy over the next 15 years of his education, but more importantly to avoid giving him mental health issues.

It is fine to look to the future and to encourage your child to do well and to help nurture their ambitions and talents.......but there is also being obsessed yourself and putting them under undue pressure.

It is particularly important to see individual tests and achievements and disappointments as what they are .....one offs. One disappointing result is not a cause for hand wringing and wailing and despair. Be sensible. One disappointing result does not negate all of the other achievements and positives and it's so important that a child doesn't get given a sense that they have let you down or learn to fear telling you of a disappointing result because they know YOU won't be able to cope but descend into weeks of misery. In fact, disappointments and failures are really important for children to build resolve and resilience ....schools push these ideas a lot now, and it sounds like you could do with some too.

So don't stop having high hopes for your DS. He sounds like a great lad - hard working and bright, and with a great future. Make sure he knows you love him regardless of his academic success. Yes, keep heading for the 11+ if you want to, but have back up plans in place too and make sure you teach him that there will be a good school and future for him whatever the results of 11+ are....that is so very important for children to hear. He must not feel all your hopes are riding on one test..it is too much for a small child.

And if he had one disappointing result, just see it as that....ask for feedback about areas for improvement, and in a low key and low stress way, start looking at those and praising all the positives too. Onwards and upwards.

And remember this educational journey is a marathon which lasts for years. He is a small boy who needs a childhood and not to spend every moment preparing for the next test or assessment which is what causes burnout. He can work hard and aim high and still be a child and enjoy his childhood and you both come out the other end without nervous breakdowns. Seriously, it's important to gain some perspective and calm down for both your sakes, because your current approach doesn't sound sustainable or healthy.

You really need to step back a little - although I understand the worries! My view is that all the tutoring that goes on for 11 plus is unnecessary. The state 11plus exams do require some prep in terms of exam technique and getting them used to the format but that can be done in a few months. From our experience, the independent exams are very like what they do at school so they’re already prepared for that.

You really want your son to end up somewhere that’s right for him - I think this will happen if you relax a bit, let the school do the work of teaching him and just support/show interest for now. Then hopefully he will perform to his true potential when the time comes.

We found our children developed most out of school through other activities - reading for pleasure, playing on the Xbox (really! Some of the vocabulary used in the story modes is quite advanced and he was developing problem solving skills too), watching all sorts of different things - fantasy, documentaries etc, learning an instrument (reading music and the coordination involved with playing an instrument really stretches them), visiting historical sites etc.

I could go on... I think all this stuff is more valuable than doing lots of Bond books. Also, lots of time with friends developing their social skills and enjoying their childhood! At both my children’s selective schools there are children who are really struggling socially.

We only did 2-3 months of prep for the 11 plus and our children have ended up in the right places - in my son’s case a grammar school but not the most selective one. I knew he would struggle there as he’s not naturally hard working either so I wanted him to be somewhere he’d be able to keep up.

Ultimately though you also need back up options you’re happy with and your son needs to buy into them too. We had a couple and I made sure to big up the positives they offered - friends went there, co-ed etc. Don’t let your son think it will be a disaster if he ‘fails’!

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. I feel more confident, I am not alone. 🤗
Now is half term and you know, my DS is ok. We worked trough the papers again and the results more higher than before. I presume it was due to tiredness; it is not easier to spend 6.5 hours at school, then 2 hours of studying 5 days a week plus activities.
We decided to review our approach by reducing the time to 1.5 hours, hope it will work. 🤞

Lenazayka

That still sounds a pretty heavy timetable, honestly. 5 days a week?

I will admit I'm not a fan of selective schools generally, but I think even those who are would think there's a point where a child is paying too great a price to get into one.

I will caveat this by saying that I am putting my daughter forward for the 11+

But your hours are ridiculous - if it takes that amount of time and effort he should not go to a selective school. It is not the right environment for them.

I agree - and that’s you chilling out?
My DD did around 1-2 hours a week prep for the 11+ and 2 mocks.
She did really well. If a child needs that much tutoring then it may not be the best option for them

Or extra work I mean

Lena well done for realising the need to reduce the pressure on your son. It's very important for him to feel he has some control and can tell you when he's had enough. It's important for you to listen. Look out for signs of stress and don't be afraid to re evaluate/ stop the grammar preparation if he seems to be struggling.

OK. Hope you've calmed down and a bit happier. CGP is pretty hard. I'd say harder than Bond in some respects. Schofield and Simms is the hardest of all. My dd only got 65 % in her 11+ mocks that was 8 weeks before the real exam! By the time really exam came Sue was getting close to 80% pass rate in Bond. She passed her 11+ and my experience you don't need to score high 90% for regular grammar. I did just 20mins just x2 or x3 a week and last 8 weeks, did 1 paper a week. Really, so much of the exam depending on the day and all this prep only helps to a point.

I think the most important aspect is dealing with exam technique, mindfulness or meditation or stress techniques and building confidence. My daughter said she passed her exam no matter what the result. This is the difference between pass or fail now that we have done it and it sounds like you to need to put far more emphasis on teaching emotional resilience to yourself and your son. It's just as important as 11+ content if not more important!

Thank you mums 🤗. I have found a lot useful information in this thread and try to ignore his mistakes in papers ( will look later).

I have meant under 1.5 hours school home works and reading from primary school as well.

The boy often represents the school in academic and art competitions . Even now, during the half term, he is involved into a math match.

I am glad you have calmed down. Every child has a different learning curve. On the whole, I don't think pushing a primary school aged child has any bearing on their A Level results. What I think is a shame, is that you and he are putting so much of his free time into doing school work, when you might be using that time to Braden his education. I often notice that the most able children are also high achieving in something else. Have you thought about finding an extracurricular pursuit that he would enjoy, like learning a musical instrument or or drama classes or sport?

Cenivieva

Yes, DC does art, French, Russian and swimming. He has some awards in art competitions. We promised him to send to a professional swimming club in October 2019, when all the entrance exams are over.

It is a whole year before your dc does the test. I remember thinking dd would not get to speed a couple of months before she took the 11+. You could try just 10 or 15 mins of maths in the morning before school, when a child's brain is more awake, and cut down the amount to say no more than one hour in the evening.
Finding it fun and not a chore is half the solution to their learning. Even now in her GCSE year dd only does about 2 hours study a night on average.

@Lenazayka

I want you to reread your reply to me again. Do you see how you have immediately jumped to using language like 'professional' and turned what should be a fun and relaxing part of his week into something competitive and driven? There is no pleasure in turning everything into a treadmill.

Remember, your son will have the social intelligence to know how important his achievements are to you. He won't want to disappoint you, so he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear. This is called Theory of Mind.

For the sake of your own mental health and your son's, try to change your perspective, so you focus on doing things for pleasure and not for gain or competitive advantage. People do best when they love what they do, not when they are under pressure.

I don't know anything about grammar 11plus but the pre tests and 11plus for private schools are all computer based. Maybe it was the change from paper based bond papers to a computer based version that caused the sudden dip? I would suggest practicing as close to the real thing as possible. It's sometimes really little things that can throw people. E.g. some dc got used to chewing on their pen while reading bond papers and once the pen is gone can't concentrate, or they got used to underlining stuff, or they lose time operating the computer mouse. For private prep tests you can get computer based trial papers that automatically analyse your answers, reteach you, and then retest. It's from companies like bofa. Not sure how useful they are for grammar, but I assume there must be something out there that's as close to the real deal as possible. And don't panic. Your little one works so hard. The only thing he deserves to pick up and hear is that you are proud of him no matter what happens.

NellyBarney,

Thank you for the advice. Definitely will look at Bofa