Are some children just magnets for bullying?

[harman]

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Might not apply to him, but doing stuff to improve self-esteem seem to help - like self-defence/martial arts especially for non-sporty kids

How long has he been at the new school Harman?
How old is he and what has been going wrong for him?

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I think its a cycle that builds up. The child is bullied so they get lower self esteem. The low self esteem becomes obvious to other kids, and the cycle begins again. The original bullies have a lot to answer for.
I would agree that martial arts help build confidence.
I am not in any way saying that it is the victims fault, it isnt, it's just a difficult cycle to break.

Don't get too disheartened, harman. As you know, DS1 was the victim of bullying to the point where we pulled him out of school. He was older than your ds, but I got the impression that some low-level bullying had been going on for some years before things got stepped up.

I do think some children have an invisible "victim" sign tatooed across their foreheads. There doesn't need to be anything specific, but some bullies seem to recognise a prime target.

DS1, I should add, is doing wonderfully at secondary school and has some really good friends, which has really done his self-esteem a lot of good.

DS2 does karate and has a very good teacher. I can let you have the details if you want. If you explain to the instructor that DS has been bullied, he'll take that into account.

Hi, I've taught children for many years and have always believed greatly in the power of self-esteem. Unfortunately IMO children can be very cruel and will single out others for being different in any way. Some children seem more resilient than others and can shrug things off. Others don't have the coping strategies and need help and intervention from teachers and parents. I really hope it works out for your son and the swimming is a great success. My dd was excluded from playing with a group of girls because she wasn't wearing the 'right' shoes! It was so difficult explaining to her that she didn't need to be a 'sheep', but she just wanted to be accepted. I can understand that! Don't we all?

It is a shame he won't talk about it...but you can't push that sort of thing. He might divulge as the weekend goes on.
The reaction of the school sounds positive - they knew something had happened - bullying can go on for months without the adults close to the child or in school knowing anything at all about it.
Another postive is that you have the whole weekend to give him lots of love and support hand have lots of fun with him.

We often find that children may be victim to more than one bully, or group of bullies. The school I work in arranges assertiveness training in these cases and it can be very helpful.

Absolutely, some children have a bullyable personality. However, that doesn't mean that you can't give such a child tools for dealing with the bullying so that they can nip it in the bud. My ds (6) was bullied earlier this year. As soon as I got wind of it I started talking to him about tools that he can use when it happens...like things he can say to the other kids. I also went in and spoke to the teacher and the principal (this is in the usa). The teacher took immediate and extremely effective steps to curtail the problem. She rearranged the seating in the classroom (which she has done periodically since then) to separate the troublesome groups. And whenever she feels that things are escalating in any way, she sends the children out to play at recess with a buddy whom they have to play with for the whole break. She also spoke to the class as a whole and the parents of the bullies.

Poor little ds just isn't interested in tough sporty games with the boys in his class. He just wants to dream about the stars and play make believe games with the girls. I have been working hard at finding a likeminded soul for him to play with.
Hardest part in all of it was restraining dd who is 4 from marching into ds' school and "kicking their heads in" and dh from beating up the dads of the bullies.

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Oh poor harman...not your fault one little bit. The bullies are at fault. I'm just leaving work now (I'm in california), but I'll post more later with some suggestions that have helped ds.

I'm sorry I can not add more to what you have been told already, but will be paying attention to this, DS is becoming a magnet for bullying and although confident at home (and abroad) I have no idea how to help him better to cope with it or stop it.

Sofiaames, could you please elaborate more on the tools you used to help your child? or point us in their direction? THanks

DS has been bullied at school by 2 children, boy and girl. There's always been a history between ds & the girl, they've never really got along. Lately she's teamed up with this other boy and things have progressed from there, there have been days when ds has gone to school crying, days when he's come out crying.

Anyway, we had a breakthrough this week. DS 'stood up' to the girl. She was talking and saying 'things' to ds, so he turned to her and said "Look ?? will you just shut up, I'm sick of hearing your voice, and while you're at it, grow up!" Those in the class that were nearby, clapped. ?? didn't know what to do and went very quiet.

DS is 9 (10 in July) but young for his age and has learning difficulties. So we'll see how things go from here on in, hopefully now that he's stood up to her, it will get easier. It's been a long hard slog to persuade ds that he is allowed to stick up for himself. I'm so proud of him for having the courage to do it.

I have seen kids who I would have thought would be bullied (into classical music, mum cuts their hair and knits them jumpers for school etc.) and if they are bullied they seem completely oblivious to it, which obviously makes bullying someone else more satisfying for the bully.

Is being pinched once bullying though, surely if it's nipped in the bud (and it seems that it has been)then the others will see that your son is not a worthwhile target.

Your son also will learn that his new school believes him, which should also help his self esteem.

There is a great picture of a cat looking in a mirror and seeing itself as a lion - see here .

DS1 had this up in his bedroom so he could look at it when he felt bad. We also came up with some simple but effective phrases which he could use when being bullied. He wrote them out in bright colourful letters and pinned it to the back of his bedroom door, so that he could practise them. The knack is to be able to come out with the phrases quickly and easily at the appropriate time and this is really only possible if you've practised them a lot first. I used to role play with him so he could use the phrases on me.

Harman, did you sort out ex-p's refusal to collect the children on Wednesdays??

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yes i thinkso - ds is one for sure

If your ds has been bullied in the past it is possible that your ds's self esteem has taken a real knock, especially if he is introverted and/or sensitive by nature. If he is going into new situations desperate for people to like him, but convinced that he is unlikeable, then he will inadvertantly make himself the target for children (usually with their own issues) who make themself feel bigger by exploiting or highlighting a weakness in someone else (a weakness being low self-esteem, low confidence levels, shyness, etc., etc.)

Skibump and others are right - activities to improve his self esteem and lots of positive reinforcement about how great you think that he is at home may help him find some strength of will and better tools for dealing with bullying. Sorry he is having a hard time, harman.