State versus private

[shadylane]

I am asking for points of view on a hypothetical situation. My child is in year 3, we live in a very small flat with two children in an affluent area of South London.
We need to move somewhere bigger as its unbearable now and will only get worse as they get older.
We need to stay in London for work and personal reasons. It would mak sense for us to move close to the excellent state secondary but we can't afford the area. We want him to remain at his current primary as he's suffered a lot of disruption in his life.
There is a private school near us too which has assisted place/scholarship options, and at the moment our child is excelling in all subjects at school- neither me or my partner were like this at school.
I did end up going to private school on an assisted place. This hasn't helped me career wise especially as I never made the most of my opportunities.
However, now I've reached the ripe old age of 30 I can see how being in smaller classes with excellent teachers has been a huge help to me in other ways- I was a painfully shy child who came from a single parent family, with a mother who'd left school at 13, living on a housing estate. On the flip side, I always felt acutely aware of my lack of a 'nice' house, holidays, the right clothes etc and was something of a social outcast- partly because I was a bit odd.
My son is very bright and confident at school. He is aware we don't live in a big house like his school friends, but he's happy.
Sorry for all the background just felt it was relevant.
Would it be less stressful trying to get him into the non catchment private school on an assisted place type thing than trying to move into catchment for the oversubscribed state school, or should we concentrate on that as socially and economically he will be more aligned with his peers? Does bullying on private schools occur because of family finances? Or does it depend on the child and how we equip him to deal with life?

As I always say when this question is posed
What’s best for the child?- depends on the child
Which school is best? - depends on the school
Will my child be bullied for being “poor”? - not in my experience but depends on the school
So in summary it really does depend on the individual child and specific school.
People can give their experiences and some may even know the schools you are considering if you want to give that information but there is no simple answer to the State vs Private question.

If you opt for the private route I think you will be surprised at how many non-rich families are doing what they can to ensure their child is getting this type of education.

Never came across any bullying for this reason! Any school that says no bullying - don't believe them. Go for the school that says how they deal with bullying!

Would it be possible to look outside of London in Bucks e.g. where there are grammar schools and commute in?

What will you do if your DS doesn’t get a scholarship/assisted place or you don’t get sufficient financial assistance to enable your DS to go? Scholarships are fiercely competing many preps attract parents on the ability and success at preparing their pupils for scholarships, you can get one if you don’t attend a prep (the name is a clue) but it’s going to be hard. Secondly prep will guarantee a child will get a scholarship however bright and able they are, over the years I’ve seen really strong candidates for scholarships not get one and of course the opposite it’s just not a done deal.
With regards to bullying we are not millionaires by any stretch of the imagination we sent our DS2 to a £36+k PA boarding school where most of the families were absolutely loaded some seems three or four boys to the school most had at least two there that’s a substantial school fee bill. He would say few noticed or cared that we di not live in a massive house(s) or drive a100k car the few that did were usually universally disliked by all.

I don't think you can just make decisions on "state" or "private". No two state schools are the same, nor are any two private schools. Its much more to do with the feel of the school. If you feel he is self motivated he will probably do well at a state school - plenty of children go on to Oxbridge or wherever else they choose. If you feel he might be less motivated, or easily distracted, then he might be better off in a school with smaller classes (state or private) where he will have more attention and won't fall off the radar. Don't make the mistake of assuming all state schools have massive classes, my DC were all put in academic sets in year 7 - those in the top sets have all done extremely well in later life. Comparing state/private results can be pointless, clearly an academically selective school will always appear stronger than an all ability school.

You have 2 children what happens for the other one? This is a serious question. Is your other child younger? What happens if one gets an bursary and the other one doesn't?

I have a child in Reception at an independent prep and the mix in incomes and lifestyles of the parents is high. There are lots of parents who work every hour God sends to get their children a good education, and parents who drive Rolls Royces and where the wife spends her days in the spa! It's a complete melting pot and I would say generally everyone rubs along fine together and I've found some lovely other parents in there.

So, I think, socially, it's how you approach it and your attitude should rub off on your children. Certainly there's no bullying at class level related to parents' status, income, marital situation, or anything else!

Thanks for the viewpoints. All useful. The state school is in various top ten lists and is ideal for both children. The private school is very good too, and also has a range of extra curricular activities that would benefit any child. I don't think he'd be easily distracted, but obviously want to give him the best start- but again I appreciate that's not always private versus state.

If he's that able, how about grammar schools? Those could suit him. There are 3 boys' grammar schools in the borough of Sutton and one in Kingston + some more in outer SE London. Moving closer to a decent comprehensive could also help.

In terms of an assisted place, you might find that schools will go into great detail with your finances and the bursary will still require a relatively substantial contribution from yourselves so you end up with very little disposable income. Whilst I don't think he'd get bullied, there's a risk he'd end up an outsider if you can't afford school trips or outings and DS can't have friends over as there's no space fin the flat etc. (To be fair, some teens are more ch more self-conscious than others).