8 yr old school refuser - Advice needed

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I'm asking for advice from any parents who have had experience of their child refusing to go to school. Year 3 DS is point blank refusing to go to school. Has clung to me, cried, screamed feigned illness and is now currently so anxious and scared of school they are vomiting to avoid going. School aware. Not overwhelmingly supportive. No problems at home, no changes that good have promoted this.
Any advice?

What does he say the problem is?
How much sleep does he get? Any changes in school/at home recently (e.g. new teacher, new sibling etc)

Moved from first to middle in September. Says that the work is easy, have no friends, teacher doesnt challenge him, school is a waste of time. Child involved in school clubs extra curricular activities etc. Child has gone from loving (previous) school to hating it in three months. Teacher reports no fallouts no bad behavior nothing that could have triggered such a strong dislike. School have put things in place but child reports its not all been followed through with and the stuff that has has made little to b no difference. Child totally disengaged from school. Is asking to be home schooled. DH and I feel this would create more problems than it would solve. School have been deflective about issues. All the while DC is sinking further and further into anxiety and sadness every time its school time or Sunday evening or nights before school. So its eating into their free time too.

I would look into the reasons there could be for this but have you thought about home schooling at all?

We had similar with dd, age 8. She was in hospital a few nights in the summer quite poorly. Took a while to build her back up, then she got a bug and felt poorly in assembly one day, just got out the hall and threw up in the corridor. From that point on she totally lost her confidence, didn’t want to go to school, clinging to me every morning crying. She wouldn’t go in to practice for the Christmas concert, wouldn’t eat her lunch in the canteen. She totally became crowd averse, didn’t like being around big groups.

School were great to be fair, she was only in the choir so they didn’t push the Christmas concert, allowed her to eat lunch in class with a friend and teacher instead. We tried various things, but in the end I met with her and her teacher to work out a plan to get over it.

For the first week I was to walk her to him in the playground at 850 am, then say goodbye and walk away. Then the next week take her to the playground, wait till she’d found her friends then say goodbye and go. The following week her teacher happened to be poorly, and one day we were running late yet again because of her (I have 3 dcs), and I snapped at her one morning that enough was enough. I think that, combined with having a supply teacher who she just had to get on with just moved it on, as she’d fekt involved in working out the solution with us and had started feeling more confident at this point.

Saying all that, we knew that the reason for her behaviour was having been poorly and then being sick in school too. Not helped by her needing meds for a couple of weeks and a couple of hospital appointments so the disruption of me having to go to school and having to leave her again didn’t help.

You need to get school on your side. Really emphasise how anxious your child is before school. And if that means walking past the headteacher in the morning to emphasise the fact..... most good primaries have the head around in the playground before the kids go in, does this happen at your school? Clearly if your child is going in distressed, they will not perform at their best, and this isn't in the school's interest. They need a wake up call to your problem

Maybe its something the teacher is not seeing & not aware of.

Have you discussed bullying with your child OP? Would your child recognise bullying if it were happening to them?

Do you know the usual escalation if you're not happy - class teacher, head, governors. If you are not happy about the school's response then escalate

xx

Child totally disengaged from school. Is asking to be home schooled. DH and I feel this would create more problems than it would solve.

What problems do you think it would create?

I think you need to call in the professionals. Start with speaking to your GP for a CAMHS assessment then ask for a meeting with the head teacher and the educational psychologist. These things can all take time, sometimes too long, but in the meantime seek out resources for implementing steps in your own home. The stepladder approach is good for breaking down how to manage anxiety and reduce the triggers. We are on the other side now - it’s taken over 2 years and started before she was 8. Yoga, guided meditation, worry chart, routine, breathing techniques, oh so many things to look into. This is needs a while group approach and it is especially important the school are part of the solution.

I can really sympathise OP. I had this for a whole year with our DD from January 2017 it started (going back after Xmas) to January this year (she went back after Xmas brilliantly, we have no idea why or what had changed!) There was no obvious reason for it, she couldn't tell us as I don't think she really knew. She was a different child, withdrawn, unsociable, teary. She had tummy aches, headaches, chest pain, funny eyes....we saw doctor several times and got referred to gastro dept at hospital, had eyes tested etc. It got crazy! It was hard going, we talked for hours, brought self help books, came up with strategies for dealing with anxiety etc but we ended up in the mornings acknowledging how she felt just once then ignoring the tears, she knew she had to go to school and we weren't going to give in. School were really on-side though and tried allsorts to help her in the mornings, a new entrance, an early start to the classroom so it was quiet and calm etc. She literally had to be pulled away from me and needed a teacher to guide her in, there was no way she would walk in on her own. She didn't care that her friends saw her making such a scene. Friendship groups chopped and changed and I think in hindsight she found that tough, although she has lots of friends I think girls in particular can be hardwork at that age sometimes! We had a rubbish xmas '17 as we were all ill so I think she couldn't wait to get back to school and she has been full of beans since! We have our old DD back again. Hang in there, give him as much support as he needs, get onto school, have a meeting with the head and his teacher and him and come up with a plan with what might help him feel more secure and happy. Is there another child he can buddy up with? Invite them round for tea? Maybe a little Easter party, get him to ask a few friends round so he feels 'important'?! Good luck, it is heartbreaking to see them sad.

If one of you don't work then I'd consider home schooling him. It isn't a bad thing. Schooling isn't the default, it's just expected.
I wish I was home schooled in my secondary school years. Sometimes things change and it's hard to open up about it.
If he wishes, he can always go back to school later. I know many who school, and deschool against again . Sounds disruptive but it hasn't been for them. It's all about how you manage it as a parent. Be open to it. Of course if you're both working it could be harder but that said there are many working parents who also home school.

Our gp made a referral to CAMHS, we are still waiting! I am hoping we won't need the appointment by the time it comes round, I'm just seeing how DD goes for the moment. The GP said it is at least a years wait in our area (Hampshire) as they are so overwhelmed. You need to be looking into other ways meanwhile. Does your school have an ELSA? She was great at our school, she met with DD every morning to help her in, some mornings she would just sit quietly and chat with her until she felt ready to go into class, sometimes they done a bit of work together. She was able to speak with her teachers about how she felt and what might help her, a bit of a go-between. She was amazing.

Has anyone had any experience of flexi-schooling whilst problems are resolved?

Me. DD was miserable aged 8. She didn't want to stop going to school but I pulled her out then started the conversation with school. They agreed to let us see how things went... they were awesome. Well the head of pastoral care was awesome. Her teacher was deeply offended and couldn't see how we could possibly risk such a thing. We negotiated a number of days at school and a number of home days, she wanted to go on the school trip so had to attend a number of days per week to justify this. She spoke to a child psychologist who helped her see that her thoughts and beliefs were important even if they were different to others. We had some boring days at home (shopping, laundry, cleaning) and some lovely days out at museums, cycling in the woods, painting. There are not many HE groups near us and I still had to take her brothers to school so it wasn't perfect. At the end of the summer, she decided she wanted to back full time. Reboot complete and now she is happy at school. She is still an outlier and I worry for her in secondary school but she is happy being awesome in her own way and doing things that make her happy. She has a muvh better idea of what makes her happy.

I wish you and your son the very best. At the time it was awful, she cried, I cried and I couldn't separate her pain from mine. We looked at other schools and I considered homeschooling her long term which would have been difficult for me but it worked out. She is even more than ever, tightly bonded to me, but she stands on her own two feet proud of who she is.

Hugs to you and to DS, OP.

Regarding homeschooling, I've been home educating for years. It can be brilliant but you're right to be cautious in your situation. It has been good for us, but I have seen it make things worse for kids with social anxiety. As with any phobia, running away from the stimulus tends to make it worse. Removing the trigger makes the sufferer instantly feel better, which means that next time you confront the trigger, you feel even more anxious, and even more keen to run away from it.

If kids with social anxiety are taken out of school, unless you work very hard to keep pushing their boundaries and challenging the anxiety, you can end up with a child who gets more and more reclusive. I have seen some kids end up basically housebound in this situation. If you do end up taking your son out of school, or while you are in the process of reintegrating him to school, you could guard against this by ensuring he's mixing with other children and having new social experiences, eg joining new after-school sports clubs. Drama is brilliant for building confidence. Just don't let him hide away in his comfort zone.

I'm sure it doesn't have to be all one thing or the other. You can't leave your child in this situation and clearly it would be really tough on him to be forced into school when he's so upset, so it's great that he knows you've got his back. However, having his back doesn't mean just giving him what he thinks he wants, and you sound well aware of that so I think you'll be OK .
You've already had some great suggestions. Keep investigating, as others have suggested, to find out if there really was an incident or something unpleasant going on.

Talk to the school about a desensitisation programme where you build up the ability to cope in small steps. Try to get guidance from a professional on this, but it might look something like -

1. practise relaxation exercises at home and learning how to control panicky feelings. Download some podcasts on relaxation for anxious children.
2. starting off with going in to school for just 15 minutes in the morning and using the relaxation exercises to get feelings under control.
3. Build up time, separation etc. How you go about this is the complicated bit but I know one child who had a meeting with school and they identified the parts of the day he found least worrying and started with those, then his challenge was to start attending for some parts of the day that he found a little harder.

Do have a look at NoPanic, the UK anxiety disorders charity. It has an extensive page on school refusal. It says:
"research indicates that temporary home tuition whilst attractive to some parents is not useful as part of a recovery programme and works against the child’s early return to school. With permanent withdrawal, some children might do better academically with home tuition or be more content outside the school system but this has profound dangers in that the child may never resolve the problem that generated, or was part of, the school phobia. Consequently the child may be a prime candidate for a similar anxiety disorder when faced, as an adult, with college or work. "

Here are some links that you've probably already seen:

School Refusal on eHealth - click on the 'stay on US site' button if prompted to change, as the UK site doesn't have the same article.

Clinical Partners: School Refusal

One parent's School Refusal resource site - this is from the perspective of a parent whose children have additional needs and she clearly has strong views about how school phobia should be handled. However, they're not always in accordance with the advice from professional organisations.

@ForgivenessIsDivine:
At the end of the summer, she decided she wanted to back full time. Reboot complete and now she is happy at school. She is still an outlier and I worry for her in secondary school but she is happy being awesome in her own way and doing things that make her happy. She has a muvh better idea of what makes her happy.

That's such a lovely thing to read. Thank you for posting - really good to hear what has worked for other people. You sound like a lovely, understanding mum

Yoga This simple yoga routine makes a disproportionate difference to our day when we need it. It chases fears and anxieties away and gives me minutes back in the mornings. We use the last pose to say Namaste, the light in me sees the light in you and to set intentions for the day. We also do Reiki and send energy to our bodies and our minds. This has also really helped DD be in control of her emotions.

Thanks for all of your wonderful replies. I think for now we will request flexible schedule for school and if school don't want to play ball we will be forced to HE. I'll keep you all updated on our progress. Nothing happens overnight so I'm aware this will be a drawn out affair. I just want my daughter to be happy and learn again! Will explore all links and restart breathing exercises, thanks for reminding me of the value of this.
Thanks to all who have shared their experiences. At the time it's happening you do feel isolated and unsure.
Ill keep you all updated.....

@Silver977 what's an ELSA? She sounds great!

MaryPeary an ELSA stands for Emotional Literacy Support Assistant. Its an initiative developed by educational physchologists, the understanding that children learn better if their emotional needs are met etc. My friend has trained to be one at her local school, she helps a child at the moment who has lost her mum . Not all schools employ one.

There's a School Refusal FB Group which has lots of info, advice and a info sheet that parents can get sent to their kids school to help them understand school refusal m.facebook.com/groups/307904692554158