When is it bullying?

[Cookandbook]

My ds is 10 and has never really been part of a close friendship group, just sort of hangs around on the fringes. But has generally been happy with that.

A year or so ago he started going out to the park with a few boys and all was good, he was part of a wee gang for a change and he liked it.

Then a new kid joined the class and the gang and everything changed. My ds wasn't happy with what was going on, stealing sweets from shops, taking and hiding bikes, letting off firecrackers in the street etc so he stopped going out when the new boy was there.

Since then the new boy has had a bit of a low level 'thing' against my boy. Name calling, calling him a wimp and a scared cat, too scared to steal chocolate, you're a snob, mummy's boy running home because you think you'll get in trouble. A bit of pushing around in the playground disguised as horseplay, that sort of thing.

Sadly some of the other boys are slightly in awe of (scared of?) this new tough kid and play along, although they are still kind to my ds if the other lad is not there.
He / they do pick on other kids a bit too but my boy definitely seems to be taking the worst of it right now.

Is this bullying? Or just kids being mean?

I'm a bit shit at dealing with this, I tend to downplay it and not make much of a fuss. Bullying seems such an emotive, strong word. He's not scared to go to school, he's not making excuses to stay at home. But that doesn't make it right.

We are going to meet his teacher today but it's so hard to know what to ask for. They can't stop this kid being horrid, in the nicest possible way he's from a notoriously tough family, he's hardly been parented at all and he's never going to change.

Do I go in all guns blazing and demand to see the bullying policy? Do I ask that this boy is kept away from mine at playtime? Am I even allowed to name names? What concrete things can I actually expect the school to do?

Apart from school, we have talked a lot about how some people in life are just idiots and we have to try and minimise their impact on us. We have talked about the other areas in his life where people love him and care for him and like being around him. He's always had other interests out of school so that's a good thing. Is that the right advice? Or is that me minimising it again?

This is so hard. Why do kids have to deal with this shit? It's not fair.

The Bullying Policy of the school must be on their web site. So look for it. Read it carefullly and see what actions the school says it can take. Keep your blazing for the future. Keep calm right now.

Yes, this is bullying. The school have a duty to ensure your child is not bullied at school. I suspect the school know the background of the child and yes, you can mention the name to the school. You can ask them to ensure your child is not called names and not pushed around. You can ask for playground supervision to be improved and that this child is not playing near yours. I think, at age 10, your child can move away and play with pleasant children and I agree that it is a huge shame your child's friends cannot see right from wrong. You could address this issue with the school too because surely they would be ashamed of their pupils stealing and setting off fire crackers (even though they are not responsible for off site behaviour). You should, at a minimum, expect these boys to be spoken to by the Head regarding their behaviour and carefully monitored when playing. I would also expect a good school to speak to the pleasant boys and ask them to reflect on their behaviour too. Are they standing by and being unkind when that is not what is expected of them? (That sort of thing). Look at the school's Behaviour Policy to see what is expected.

If the boy has just joined the school, has he been excluded from elsewhere? This is a possibility and that he also has a trail of bad behaviour behind him. You will not be told what interventions the school are putting in place for him, but you must flag up he is causing problems.

I would also contact the Police about the fire crackers. Where we have a flat, the Police do take policing the nearby park seriously. Fire crackers and 10 year olds would be an absolute no no. It is very unsafe.

I think the advice you are giving him is pretty good. Do not say this child is an "idiot" however. That does rather minimise his impact. Try and explain to him that not all children are brought up in such a way to be kind to everyone and that he should be avoided. He is probably not stupid (an idiot), but is harming others and potentially dangerous to know.

I might also be proactive about getting the other boys on side. Can you invite them out for a treat? Have them round to play? Most children find their niche and most children do not want to associate with the badly behaved ones. If these friends do, they will not be good friends in the long run because they will end up in trouble too.

I can't add much more than BubblesBuddy but it is bullying and school havr a duty to do something about it.

We define bullying as persistent actions designed to hurt or harm. So some girls fall out (as happened this week) and do normal teen bitching about thr fall out for a few days - not bullying. Girls falling out and then freezing someone out, spreading rumours, stirring it up, calling names - bullying

You absolutely must make school aware because bullying can be dressed up as horse play and 'banter' by boys and it makes it difficult for the children to report.

I witnessed a student crouched on the floor as a group of known nasty students 'joke' kicked him and laughed he was bleeding. When i got involved every studnet (including the victim) claimed it was a joke. I managed to get the 3 i saw isolated for violence but couldn't do anything else because everyone claimed 'banter'

I so hate the term banter....
Please speak to the school. They so need to be aware.
Good luck.

What brilliant responses from @BubblesBuddy and @Maisypops. I found this bullying infographic useful for discussions in our family.

This table comparing conflict / rude / mean / bullying situations is also really helpful for talking through a situation and working out what went on. source