Had anyone moved their child from state to private in year 9/10?

[BettyBo33]

DS is nearly 14. At the state comprehensive. Never been interested in academics but always been popular and well liked and no problem socialising with his peers. Always been a struggle to get him to complete homework since primary. He's just not interested in school. Since September his behaviour at school and home has escalated. Started low level. Now it's answering back and being rude to teachers and to us at home. He's always been a good kid in general but no matter how many talks we have had it isn't getting us anywhere. If he can gain something or wants something he's lovely. As soon as I ask him to say do homework or load the dishwasher it's a battle. It's all take and no give back and we have explained that's not how this works. We have tried to be understanding and so haven't come down hard on him until now in terms of punishment e.g. Grounding/taking mobile away but enough is enough. Today he told me I was 'pissing him off' and hung up on me. He is now indeed grounded! I'm a bit at a loss tbh. I get he's a teen and hormonal (he looks far older than he is and is far more advanced in terms of puberty that's most friends at the moment) but in my mind that's no excuse to disrespect your parents and teachers. Especially when we try to give him and his siblings all we can and work hard to do so (not just materially but in time together and emotional support) I feel we have given him to much independence too fast and it has backfired. He is also getting in the wrong crowd at school- the cool kid clowns. We have the option to move him to a brilliant private school. His time would be well structured, smaller classes (his teachers all say he can do so well if he just applied himself) homework done at school. But then I remind myself he isn't unhappy where is he and can throwing money at the situation really help?

Anyone else moved their child at this age due to behaviour? Did it help?

Independent schools are not always the panaceer for behavioural problems. Of course it can help but as I’m sure you know you can lead the proverbial horse to water etc etc. Yes there are smaller classes homework clubs etc but they don’t force kids to do their homework or behave better and many will have a much lower threshold for asking a child to leave if they don’t like their behaviour. There will also be cool kid clowns in the independent sector.
Does he want to change schools? How will he react if you move him and he doesn’t want to go?

He will probably refuse to go won’t he? He doesn’t seem the sort to make the change happily unless there is something at the independent school that really fires his enthusiasm.

They may be expected to stay for prep but walking out isn’t impossible. You need to explore if he really will enbrace everything this school has to offer. It will be a swift departure if he is rude to teachers there one suspects.

Y9 move is ok if they are doing 2 year gcse course. Many schools now do 3 years. Could you get your place back at his current school if it all went pear shaped? You may find leaving his friends is a deal breaker at this age though.

Have you considered family therapy instead? Perhaps that could help improve your relationship with your son.

Please be reassured that what you are describing, is a teenage phase that many of us are familiar with. My eldest daughter, nephews & nieces, have all temporarily morphed for a while, and they are all now turning into lovely hardworking conscientious young adults. However, we chose private for our daughter, as at her state school, she also seemed to gravitate to the 'wrong crowd' and there were so many issues with seriously awful bullying behaviour from some of these so called friends. Some of whom had very dysfunctional families, and it was quite a worrying time. She has positively thrived at her school, and the pastoral care is fantastic. All her friends have been lovely, and any minor issues that have arisen over the years with one or two girls in her class, were swiftly dealt with. Now in 6th form, they are all keen to do well, and are so supportive of one another. They really have blossomed into lovely young ladies and we couldn't be happier. One of the girls in her year, joined them from the local state school in year 9, as she was not doing very well, was also in with the wrong crowd, and her grandparents stepped in to help. She repeated a year on joining, has worked incredibly hard, and has really flourished academically since. I know it is true that private schools will not be the solution to all these problems, as it does very much depend on the school and the class and of course the attitude of the child, but in my experience, it has certainly been a good move.

We made the opposite move but for very similar reasons. DD moved from a small private school (all girls in her year group) to our local state secondary half way through year 9. She had been at her private school since Y2 and in the last year had really just got too big for her boots combined with a large dose of teenitis. Answering back to teachers, failing to do homework (or doing the bare minimum), disruptive in class, impossible to get up in the morning, argumentative and horrible to everyone. She asked to move schools (younger sister doing very well at the state school) and a truly horrendous parents evening at the private school cemented our decision.

I am pleased to say she is doing so well at her new school and has totally turned It all around (now Year 10). Just had a glowing parents evening, does all her homework properly and I never have to nag her to get up anymore. More than anything else, I think she needed a change, to meet different people and face different challenges. I think she had become very bored at her old school (combination of it being very small and having been there so many years and been there/done it all).

However, the move did initially come from her - she wanted it and pushed for it. How does your son feel about moving schools?

I don’t think you are approaching this the right way OP.

A change of school as a direct result of your concerns about his behaviour and friendship group will be seen by him as a punishment. Do you really think in those circumstances he will approach it with a positive approach, ready to embrace all the great new opportunities?

And here’s news: private schools have cool gangs, and disruptive influences, and bullying, and drugs as much as the next state school. The common factor is that they are teenagers. The fact their parents choose to pay fees does not magically transform the students into paragons.

What you describe is perfectly normal teenage behaviour and attitude. There are various ways to deal with it, including a lot of tongue biting and internal eye rolling, but changing school is in my view the nuclear option

I work in education and like above people have said this can happen and does happen a lot. many and Most Infact, turn out fine. As much as we can see what's happening in the outside, sometimes it can be very difficult for them to see what is going on with all the pent up emptions. The important thing I think is that as well as being there for them you need to have firm boundaries. With clear consequence. It's hard i know but they generally don't want more freinds. They need you to be their parents for now and this Involves staying Strong and As a Unit With Your Partner. Stop Him From Going Out / take Away Phone Until The SChool Reports are Better via concrete evidence. Ask To have A Meeting With all Teachers Alongside Form Teacher And Get On The Teachers / Schools Case. What Sanctions Do They Have In Place etc. how is he misbehaving and why?If You Dont Feel Up To This Then give Him a Chance And Move Schools. If he is getting into a bad crowd then move him no questions asked.