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Original poster

DS refusing to do his homework

46 replies

Leilaniii · 17/09/2017 04:16

DS (aged 12 and a half) has not done his homework and announced he wasn't going to do it as "it's the weekend". This is the homework that he has had all week to do.

It isn't a lot of homework, although some of it is extra homework as he is a bit behind and has chosen to go to a senior school next year which is quite academic. This was his choice.

I am furious. What on earth do I do? You can't argue with him as he just threatens to run away/call the police. I'm at my wits end.

Does anybody have any advice? Thanks.

OP posts:

kesstrel · 24/09/2017 13:44

There's a really excellent book about managing adolescents called "Divas and Door slammers". It's big on firm discipline, but it also promotes a strategy of making positive comments anytime you catch your child doing something good. There's a list of positive things you can say (which unlike many such lists actually consists of phrases that wouldn't make a self-respecting English person cringe). I found the positive comments strategy extremely helpful, and it really turned around the behaviour of my younger DD when she was this age. I did need to make sure that I 'prepped' with the list every day, though, to remind myself of the comments and to be alert for opportunities to make them.

BubblesBuddy · 24/09/2017 18:21

I would go to parenting classes. What an obnoxious child you have. You need professional help and so does he. Sorry.

TansyVioletta · 24/09/2017 22:32

That book's really good kesstrel, and also the teenage one. I guess he knows his stuff as he has run schools for children excluded from other schools so used to working with the most challenging behaviours.

TansyVioletta · 25/09/2017 01:03

Op could you speak to the GP and ask if they can suggest any help?

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 03:34

What an obnoxious child you have.. I know

Unfortunately, we live in the land of private health insurance, which we don't have. Going to GPs, assessments, etc. is all out of our reach.

I am alone with this. Not even any family or friends.

I will buy the books recommended, though. Thanks.

OP posts:

LadyCassandra · 25/09/2017 05:12

Are you in Australia? I ask because we had an issue with our DS's behaviour and we got a GP referral and 10 subsidised sessions with a psychologist. Just thought with the mention of snakes and spiders you might be...?

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 05:20

Hi LadyC, yes we're in Australia but we don't have Medicare.

OP posts:

LadyCassandra · 25/09/2017 06:48

Ah, got you! I think our sessions should have been $120 for an hour. It's pretty steep. He saw here every 2-3 weeks and it really helped.
Not really sure what to suggest that others haven't, esp as mine are only 8 and 5, but technology is a huge issue in our house, and v tightly regulated!

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 11:56

Just completely lost it with him. He's had all of my attention all day. Trying to placate him, listening to his music practice, taking him to look at a new trampoline... he's had all of me. DD has had no attention at all today. She did a little cough during his music practice and he went mental, threw a complete tantrum. Saying he couldn't practice when she was making all that noise. It was literally a small cough.

At dinner, she had a little piece of cardboard and DS completely freaked out saying she was making too much noise and giving him indigestion. He didn't just say it, he was shouting and screaming and poor DD was cowering. I grabbed him by the arm and took him to his room. He was hitting me and punching me. I hit him back as I had to stop him hitting me.

Just called his dad and told him I am putting him on the plane to go and live with him. I am tough and could probably cope with him, but it's not fair on DD.

I feel sad but I'm done. He has destroyed me.

OP posts:

LiveLifeWithPassion · 25/09/2017 12:14

It sounds so difficult.
I agree with trying to get him some professional help.
What's his relationship like with his dad?

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 12:18

His dad can't cope with him either!

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 25/09/2017 12:21

You need professional help. His behaviour is not normal. And he will just get bigger. He needs to learn ways to control his anger.

Where is his dad?

Sending him away won't help either - much as it seems like a plan. He will just get angrier.

Would his dad help you pay for professional help?

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 12:29

I am trying to protect his sister. He is so mean to her, it's just not fair. She loves him and would do anything for him, but he's just so horrible to her.

I will suggest to his dad that he gets professional help. There is more of that where he lives.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 25/09/2017 12:37

I get why you are doing it. Horrible decision to have to make.

Have you told DS?

How is his behaviour in school?

Hawkmoth · 25/09/2017 12:38

Try this.

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 12:47

He is picked on at school. He tends to display quite attention-seeking behaviour and this makes people not want to be his friend.

OP posts:

LiveLifeWithPassion · 25/09/2017 12:57

He sounds like he possibly has emotional difficulties to deal with.
How does his fathers absence affect him? When you say his dad can't cope with him, what kind of relationship do they have?
What is he angry or frustrated with?
He needs some help.

niknac1 · 25/09/2017 12:59

There are no quick fixes, we have recently cut out sweets, biscuits, crisps, most junk food to encourage one of my children to eat their meals. We also removed iPod, iPad privileges and gave them back when good behaviour was seen eg 1 day of ban removed for cooperating but we are early days.
The getting rid of junk and eating more fresh fruit and nuts has helped everyone in the house. We are going to have house rules and consequences for unacceptable behaviour. I also read that 1 hour exercise/ activity is pretty essential for children’s well being. Children may get this at school but we are going to try to incorporate it into our week. I hope you find something that works for your family.

SunSeaAndSangria · 25/09/2017 13:21

Has his behaviour ever been flagged up by the school? Look up pathological demand avoidance and see if any of it fits with your sons behaviour, at the very least some of the strategies can be helpful with people with challenging behaviour. I really dislike armchair diagnoses on kids but have a look at autism and aspergers syndrome and see if your son displays any of the behaviour/traits. I have 2 ASD dcs and they have epic meltdowns, I've found PDA strategies (sometimes! 😏) help.

Original poster

Leilaniii · 25/09/2017 13:48

Thanks for your post, SunSeaSangria, I have just spent 10 mins or so reading about Pathological Demand Avoidance and there is a lot there that relates to DS. Although there is a lot that doesn't. Not sure what to think, really.

OP posts:

SunSeaAndSangria · 25/09/2017 14:17

Do you have PDA society in Australia? In the UK there is a helpline you can ring or email address. Perhaps talking to someone will help you feel less alone. I completely understand how isolating it is having children like this

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