Need serious advice - how can I help DD to handle this situation?

[frenchleave]

My 9-year-old DD is bright, funny and sensitive, but recently she?s been having problems with some of the girls in her class (where the atmosphere is poisonous at the moment) and the situation seems to be degenerating daily. She?s really miserable about it, dreads school and spends most playtimes alone. The idea makes me feel sick inside and I just want to barge in and make everything all right. But my DH pointed out that she is probably not entirely blameless herself, and he?s right, I think. She has always had difficulty sharing, even with her own sister - she?s what you might call "exclusive" - and I?m sure it doesn?t endear her to her peers.

It's got to the point where DD has started talking about changing schools (which she would hate to do), but I don?t think that addresses the problem of how she relates to people in difficult situations. How can I teach her how to share, and to relate better to her peers without destroying her already fragile confidence?

Grateful for any suggestions, it?s eating her, and me, up.

Can you maybe have a chat with her teacher about this and see what she recommends. Maybe they could do some friendship work or something like that to help her socialise.

What does you dd think is at the heart of the situation? If it's a recent development, there might be something specific which has triggered the situation which needs to be resolved...

Get her to be honest about the situation, ie try to see it from the other girls' viewpoints. It may be difficult at this age, but if she enjoys writing stories, for example, ask her to write a story for you as if she's one of the other girls. Read it together then talk it through with her and try to help her see how her behaviour and attitudes could change.

To improve her confidence in relation to socialising, once you've established what her difficulties might be, could you agree on a target for the day each morning (eg share some of her break, offer to help somone), then ask her at tea-time how it went. When she mentions something positive, praise, praise, praise - you may even want to have some chart system.

I also agree that talking to the teacher is really important - maybe plan what you want to say, or write a letter so that you state things objectively and don't cloud the issue by being (understandably) emotional about it.

I'm a secondary teacher and am currently in the midst of a similar issue with my form class (aged 12-13) while it is a hassle, I actually value the chance to work with the girls, and hopefully help them relate better to others, I speak to parents on the phone about such issues too.

Mump, she says it started in September when she moved up to a new class and came across this little clique that likes to have a victim (last year's victim left to go to a different school). Which is why she has thought of changing schools, but I think there's also a personality issue here (she does admit she can't share easily and she knows it's not a good thing). Certain types of people bring out the worst in her and others the best, so a lot depends on who she is with and a new school might not change the situation unless she changes too.

Dusty - I'm going to talk to her teacher again tonight but don't hold out much hope for change as these girls are from big influential families and the head doesn't like to rock the boat. But I hope she will be able to shed some light on how my DD relates to her classmates.

Wish me luck.

percypig - that's a great idea. Empathy isn't a strong point and story-writing could help encourage it. Starting a proper action plan to help her share is definitely necessary, it might even be possible to combine the friendship issues with the sharing one using your target idea.

I have an appointment with her teacher on Thursday lunchtime so I hope to have something to work with her on during the holidays.

Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it.

frenchleave
My dd is nearly 14, and we first hit 'friendship issues' in Year 6. Girls can be so vile! Having gone thru' it once, I think that it has helped her to deal with the inevitable girly spats.

She's just had a situation where she was left isolated in her class, and whilst she dealt with it at school, she was very very unhappy. Fortunately her Tutor took the situation in hand, and it has largely resolved itself.

I really feel for you, but your dd will be fine, because you're working it thru' with her, and understand that she might not be quite perfect!

Thanks for the reassurance fairyjay, I agree that girls can be unbelieveably vile. Unfortunately, though, it's worse than I thought. Yesterday the poor girl was physically and verbally bullied throughout playtime, she ended up locking herself in the loo to escape them but they still wouldn't leave her alone. I spoke to her teacher (who is also the head) this morning, who looked concerned and said she would be speaking to the girls and their parents, but I'm sceptical as I've heard of similar incidents (with the same girl as lead bully) where the head did very little in the end.

We talked a lot last night and it sounds in fact like my DD has done little to bring this situation on herself. The ringleader, who is a serial bully, zeroed in on DD at the start of the year because she is a bit "different" (DH is French and we live in France now, DD speaks both languages) and has been gradually turning her friends away so that now she has no one.

I'm wondering about looking at other schools, but isn't this letting the bullies win?

It's so hard - and it's impossible to think logically when you're upset yourself.

Would it be worth speaking to the bully's parents, and perhaps explaining that obviously their daughter is one of the 'leaders' in her class, your dd is struggling this year - could they encourage their daughter to include her? Maybe if the bully knows you are opening communication with her parents, she might be reluctant to do things that will get back to them.

Just trying to think of things that might help .

Thanks fairyjay - your support is encouraging.

I wondered about speaking to the bully's parents, but I heard last week that when last year's victim's mother tried to do the same, the mother (who was previously a friend of the victim's mother) was furious and just stopped speaking to her!

DD and I talked again last night and agreed a strategy to try to stop the bullying, and I have an appointment with her teachers tomorrow, so I hope that will help too.

Thanks to all for your support and suggestions, I really appreciate it.

I would go in writing to the teacher personally. Alarm bells started ringing when you said last years victim had left. We were in a similar position with our dd, who had been bullied from reception on. We finally left in Y4 (best move we could ever have made) but the same group of bullies have since moved onto another girl. Teachers seem to be treating each occurrence as an isolated incident, and said to new victims mum that it was unusual as these girls were normally friendly She didn't know that we still kept in touch. IME many school do not give nearly enough attention to girl bullying as it is predominantly verbal. You need to go into the teacher pretty strongly and ask to see the anti-bullying policy. Hopefully then the school will come down hard on the bullies and they will leave your dd alone. Will probably move straight on to someone else though

frenchleave
I suppose the bully is likely to have a pretty stupid mother!!!
The girl who caused an initial problem with dd, and was the instigator of the recent hiccup, has a mother who will simply not accept that her daughter is anything less than perfect. 'She simply wouldn't be unkind'. .
So I do understand that you're fighting a losing battle by going that route.
I think to keep talking to your dd, and not letting the matter drop with the teacher, has to be the right approach.
Good luck!

Berries - bullied from reception , that's terrible, your poor DD. I'm getting the same impression, that the teachers/head treat each incident as isolated, when they clearly aren't. There's no such thing as an anti-bullying policy here, this is France, but it's high time the school had one IMO.

Both - I would be horrified if I ever heard my DD was bullying other children. Maybe the parents of such kids are bullies themselves and can't face the truth. Sweeping generalisation there, sorry

Fairyjay - I have written a list of things I want to say to the teacher tomorrow. And until something concrete is done I'll be on their case daily.

Unfortunately straight after the holidays DD is going on a 5-day trip with her class. She still wants to go, amazingly, but I can't bear the thought of her spending 5 days on her own, without the "safety" of home in the evenings

I was bullied as a child after moved schools at age 8, and I probably had "personality issues", too. I know my parents saw it that way, part of why they didn't move me.

The bullying scarred me for life. I wish to god they had put me in another school, a fresh start could have made all the difference. Who gives a F if the bullies at the current school "win"? It's your child's happiness at stake, once a child is established as the usual victim it wont' get any better in later primary school years (ime).

Point taken, flack, sounds like you had a terrible time. The last thing I want is for my DD to go through something similar. It's the idea of DD leaving, the school considering the matter resolved and this girl going on to pick another victim that I meant. We won't be leaving DD at the school if nothing is done to stop it.

frenchleave - my dd was shy and small for her age. In year 3 she was separated from her friends and the cliquey group in her new class ostracised her. I don't feel the school did enough - it took her two years to be accepted and in the end things got better. She has just started 2dary school and has made some much nicer kinder friends. So it wasn't all her. I'm prepared to believe her shyness and size did not help. By the time she got to year 4 things had got a bit better or we might have had to do something more drastic. I feel schools sweep it under the carpet but think girls can be so awful to each other. Also some personalities mixed together can be very destructive. Maybe a Kidscape course could help her - I did think about doing that for my dd. Just want you to know things can get better. If it gets too bad and she moves you might find that it isn't all her and more positive friends do help. I'd try anything to boost her confidence and more things to do out of school so she isn't so dependent on those people.
Hope this helps.

Thanks whitecloud, it's heartening to hear that your daughter is so much happier in her new school, with nicer friends. I do feel that some girls bring out the best and others the worst in my DD! No such thing as Kidscape here, unfortunately, but I agree that confidence-boosting activities are a good idea. She is a good swimmer and she gets a lot out of that.

I had a meeting with her teacher today, which went ok, she certainly seemed to take it seriously and said she'd be speaking to the ringleader, but I doubt frankly that there is a lot they can do beyond coming down hard on actual physical bullying. The teacher said that this year's group of girls is particularly poisonous - too many would-be leaders and conflicting personalities. But DD says she could cope with this if she had one really good friend she could rely on. I wish there was more I could do!

Thanks for your help, it's good to be reminded that this is (we hope) only a phase.