DD feeling a failure at Y8

[TrollMummy]

DD is feeling very disappointed about the results of some of her end of term assessments. Overall she has done pretty well but she is comparing herself with her high achieving friends and says she is stupid wishes she was clever like them. There also seems to be a lot of talk among friends about careers and GCSES. They are talking about what will happen if you get in a low set next year and that this basically means you will get really bad GCSES. DD has no idea what she wants to do and is just getting so down about it all.

I believe that she is bright enough to do well but lacks self belief and focus at times. How do I keep her from feeling despondent and hopeless about her future? It seems so sad that kids are writing themselves off at 13.

TIA

My DDs are not high achievers.

I explain that some people find academics easier than others so there is no point comparing. However if they work hard they will achieve the best they can and that will give them more choices in life.

Going in to lower sets does not mean you will get 'really bad GCSEs'.

Our school emphasises that people coming in with lower CAT/SAT scores can and do get better GCSEs than some with higher scores because they put the work and effort in when others are more lazy.

You need to keep emphasising to do her best and you'll be proud.

I believe life is more than exam grades, I think a person's future happiness is based on so much more. If you don't get the results the first time you try again, it can be next year or when you're older. If your daughter finds things outside of school she really enjoys it will be the best foundation for future success. If you can get glimpses of occupations for her all the better, it's good to have the broadest knowledge to make future decisions. You can always change direction but it's nice if what you choose makes you happy and fulfilled. F you can help her find interests she enjoys the academic pressures won't seem so important I hope.

Oh, just because you think you know what you want as a career at 13 doesn't mean you'll end up doing it. Better to keep your options open!

My dd has done well enough in her Y10 exams, but her results are not 'top of the class' - they are good, solid B grades mostly. She will sometimes reflect on her peers impressive grades

I encourage her to think about and discuss what makes a person successful in life - only a tiny part of it is academics. Self confidence, determination, social skills, emotional intelligence etc count for a huge amount

I think this is where an activity outside school or at least academic studies is vital. Does your DD participate in guides/a sport/school plays/fundraising activities? Find something she enjoys that will allow her to feel more rounded.

Yes, find something (activity) out of school she loves/is good at

It will help her gain overall confidence, and sense of achievement.

What is she into?

Thanks all for your comments. DD does do an activity outside school which she enjoys very much. I am hoping that next year she will try some other clubs which might help with her overall confidence.

I try to emphasise the fact that she has lots of good qualities that will help her succeed in life. It's difficult when you have friends that are ultra competitive and when they make her feel that being average equals being dumb. One friend has said to DD that she probably won't get into University. FFS they are 13

Hi

You might talk to her about the growth mindset idea

There's a fab site The Mighty Girl that picks empowering books for girls and women. This grit guide looks good or there's lots of other guide books or fiction you might read with her.

High achieving girls at school often do less well at university. It is to do with perfectionism and coping strategies. So your DD might do much better than her friends in the end.

She needs different friends!

How true do you think her self assessment is? She might be wrong and doing better than she thought. If it's true, are you sure her not doing so well is a fair reflection of her ability? Some kids are good at exams and tests and others aren't. It could just be that she needs a bit of help on revision techniques.

If she wants to get cleverer then that's entirely possible by putting extra work in. I've seen many kids in middling sets in Y8 work their arses off, climb the sets and get top grades at GCSE.

One friend has said to DD that she probably won't get into University

DD scraped a few GCSEs, C passes being the highest. She has done one year at a college studying a non academic subject and is leaving next week to set up her own business and has already signed a contract for some work and has other offers on the table. Just by what she has it will put her in the higher rate tax payer bracket.

Tell your DD not to worry too much about University not everyone has to run up a £50000 debt in order to get a job.

Used to be teachers who told you that you would end up on the streets if you didn't pass your O levels.

Grey
Thank you for the book suggestions I will have a look at those for some summer reading.

Noble
At parents evening all of her teachers said she was doing well, but many said they felt she was capable of more which I think is true. This will require a change of mindset for DD to believe in herself that she can do better if she puts the work in.

Traalaa
I think she could do with some help when it comes to revision techniques. I have tried to help but unfortunately this often ends up with her getting frustrated and flouncing off.