HELP!!

[lousymum]

Apologies for the cheap sensationalist thread title, but I really need some help from sage old MNers.

I posted this thread last week about my ds1, who is 4.7 and at nursery school five mornings a week. I had a meeting with his teacher this morning, following last week's conversation about ds1's behaviour/abilities etc, and I need help interpreting what was said.

Initially she said that she had been talking to the headmaster (as we had agreed). She then said "In schools there is a thing called a Gifted and Talented register, but of course we wouldn't be looking at that at this age, although obviously he is very advanced in many areas".

Then she said that they had decided to to an IEP (Individual Education Plan) for him which would involve filming him for ten-minute periods, writing down bullet-point targets for him, having semi-formal meetings with me and dh every 6 weeks and asking us to keep records of his behaviour/our strategies at home. She talked a lot about his social skills and his ability to sit down, take turns, play and interact normally with the other children etc. She said that initially the plan would be for her as his keyworker, the head, and the SENCO (who is another teacher who ds1 really likes, I had noticed her having more involvement with him but wasn't sure why). She mentioned again that it might lead to an ed psych assessment, to which I said I would prefer to delay that for as long as possible.

So I'm confused - are they telling me they think he has SN, or his behaviour is so bad that they cannot manage him, or that they think he is emotionally disturbed?

I know I sound very ignorant, but I am worried, and I feel like a crap parent. I feel as though they are implementing martial law because I am failing him.

So I don't really

So I'm confused

oh soapbox don't be sarky about it ... she actually is potty trained day and night, talks well, using several different tenses etc in one sentence, counts( in english and french up to 20 ) adds up and can read several simple words such as cat / dog etc, knows colours etc . but i am have refused point blank to a) move her to a " educational nursery" as suggested by our HV , and have refused the educational psychologist advice that her current lovely low key nursery asign a keyworker who gives her targets to work to and have told them basically if she is still exceptionally bright at 5 when she goes to school then maybe she can do a little extra but right now she is my baby abd that is how she is staying, and as you will see i keep off the G+T threads .....would hate to seem precious...

Er 2.5 months, 25 months or 2 and a half? Confusion I think?

I think Soapbox is making some excellent points.

This "Nobody will play with me" line is quite common, my 5yo dd2 says it fairly regularly about school. But actually she's one of the most popular in the class, always invited to everything and in the thick of things. So maybe don't take that too literally. They can just mean that everything didn't go totally their own way at playtime.

fwiw my dds like your ds1 Greensleeves (we live nearby). It's not the case he doesn't ever get on with or play with any other children. he gets on with mine. Some of whom also have a strong interest in platelets.

Ahhh - sorry mummydoc - I read it as 2.5months old and was sharing your views. If you meant to write 2.5yo then that is rather different!

oops i am obviously not as bright as my dd2 she is 2 yrs and 5 months

Greensleeves - it all sounds rather familiar to me. I have had the exact same conversations with my ds - if he wants to play with other children perhaps he might have to play their games occasionally. So I've done much as Saopbox has already suggested. I send him to football club. He is terrible at it, and not overly interested,but he runs around a lot, is learnng the rules and can at least talk about it (although thewhole supporting a team thing is backfiring slightly as he came home in tears because another child had said the team he has chosen to 'support' was rubbish. I tried to explain that that was what it was all about, and all he had to do was say the other boy's favourite team was rubbish, but I'm not sure he quite gets it yet. Anyway...)

I have also got some toys that other little boys like to play with, and, and you may not like this bit, I let him watch some 'transfomers' rubbish on the television so he knows what they are talking about. I think we amy slowly be getting there. And do I hate that my lovely little nerd is spouting transformers 'facts' rather than obscure information about African mammals? Well, yes, I do. (God, could I sound any poncier there? ) But he is happier, and his quirks are starting to be seen as just quirks - his particular 'thing' by other children.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are not alone...

Wow, have just got back from taking them to the park (I just wanted to get away from the whole issue and see him running about happy, and enjoy him a bit) and seen lots of really helpful posts, thanks very much for them! I'm sure I am coming across as an overanxious nervous wreck, but I AM one

Beckybrastraps, it does sound similar - I was thinking of getting him into some sort of football club or similar, because some of the little boys he likes are really into football. he does actually like it too, although he's not brilliantly co-ordinated. I could probably put up with a bit of Power Rangers of Transformers or whatever, if it made him happier in the long-term, but I admit I have been a bit of a controlling monster about all that sort of thing. One of the reasons for his big freak-out last week was because one of the other boys was playing pretend guns, and ds1 didn't know what a gun was and got scared (I think linked to his current interest in magic wands and spells and stuff). I have deliberately steered clear of guns/anything I see as aggressive, so I suppose in that sense I have put a wedge between him and some of the other boys.

I picked him up today and had to sign a form because ds1 had been bitten, there is quite a pronounced bite mark on his back! Apparently he and the other child (the one with the guns, ds1 really likes him, and I actually quite like him as well, although we are very different families - he has lots of spirit and energy) had been playing pirates, and ds1 had "bellyjumped" the other child, and he bit ds1 in retaliation. The upshot was that the other child asked if ds1 could come round to his house for tea some time, and I said yes and that we would love to have him over for tea at ours too. So progress of a sort I suppose. But we still haven't got anything arranged about the IEP, I don't know whether it's already active, or whether they will want to have a meeting with us. I wish they would either - pardon my crudity - sh*t or get off the pot!

It's true that he seems to get on well with fennel's dds - they are very confident and a bit bigger than him, so they don't take any of his nonsense , and one or two other children outside nursery too. When we go out to playgrounds etc he does tend to commandeer adults or much older children, or even much littler children, rather than his own peer group. I wonder whether he'll be better rather than worse at school, where there are more children of different abilities and interests, and the teachers are prepared to be a bit firmer, and there is more for him to do. I hope so!

pmsl at the biting/friendship ritual

Greensleeves

sorry to hear there are still issues but glad that he is beggining to get friends. Looking at what your ds likes to do and talk about I am TBH not surprised he does not have any one in his 'peer group' to relate to. My dd would love to spend some time with him as she is into all that but then she is 5.8 and in Yr 1 !!! (are you anywhere near the South west )

I am not sure any amount of 'trying to make friends' by the staff will really help as how can children so vastly different have that much in common. There may be a superficial link up on one point (eg football) but no real meeting of minds.

Is there scope to the idea of changing nurseries? Children's centres for example take children in both Foundation Stages ie Reception and nursery together and if there were older children around he may get on better. Also do you have any choice in future schools? My thoughts were to send ds to a local village school where the classes are mixed ages (YR, Y1 and Y2 together) so again there would be some older children around to interact with.

It must be devastating for you to hear him say these things, but they all do at times. As Exbury, i sometimes get 'I don't want to go to school' or even 'I want to stay with you Mummy' but he loves it when he gets there, he just doesn't like the work bits -prefers to play. His teacher tells me that is just typical of boys and i should not worry (my dd loves work so this is new to me)

It is holiday time soon - are there any local holiday clubs for primamry school children he could go to that might give him more playmates?

I suppose the other thing is to try and model what he should be doing yourself - start taking turns with 'your games' etc so he learns the social interraction side and maybe you do need to expand a little on power rangers / transformers a bit ( but it needn't be TV the comics seem to keep my ds happy)

Good luck (oops long again )

it takes a while for the iep to get 'into gear' iykwim. i have my meeting in about 20 mins and worried!

I wouldn't worry about the IEP. Essentially, it's a management tool for the school, to ensure they follow proper procedures and nothing is missed, not a way of controlling your son or you. Your son will be no more labelled by it than he would by his end of year report, or by the nursery staff having mentioned him to the school staff during their coffee breaks.

I'd be a bit more concerned about the nursery's attitude to him though. I'm not saying social skills are not important, but I'm not sure that schools always promote the right ones, or do so terribly well. Instead of "coaching" your son in how to approach other children (I can rather see why the other boy might have run off if he'd seen that going on), perhaps they could first try starting an activity with your son that the others would want to join in. My children's nursery used to do a giant board game in chalk in the playground with the outdoor wheelie trains as counters - perhaps they could work the London Underground into one of those? Your DS could do some chalking-out or station names, maybe? (I have to admit he might be better off knowing the railway map of Sodor though...) Is he worried about popularity - and becoming more socially awkward as a consequence - because the nursery is putting too much stress on it?

I can understand your concern about labelling - I was labelled myself, following an incorrect diagnosis, so in your shoes I would look very closely at the scope of any proposed assessment, and might refuse consent to anything too open-ended - the trait overlap between G&T and some other conditions would give me cause for concern. If you do get your son assessed, there's the problem of how you present the situation to him, and what his reaction might be. Having a bright child makes those issues harder.