Fees - what would you do?

[notsayinganything]

DD1 is in Year 2 at a primary school DH and I dislike, and has been offered a place for Year 3 at a local prep which we love and applied to almost on a whim, to see if she could get in. DD2 won't start school until September 2018. DH and I cannot afford the fees at the school DD1 has been offered.

SIL has offered to pay 100% of the fees for DD1, and any fees for DD2 at whatever pre-prep we choose, continuing for both kids until they finish school. That leaves us paying for uniform, meals, extra curriculars, trips, and transport (I think that's it?) which DH and I believe is doable. In return, she'd like to be able to have dinner with us every couple of weeks, and 'offer opinions on educational choices' . It's all feeling very Gilmore Girls.

Obviously we're very grateful to her, and DH can't seem to see any negatives. He and SIL were very close growing up, she comes by every couple of months, and my DDs adore her. I'm worried about whether she will deliver what she says - she is a hospital doctor hoping to make consultant in a few years time - what if she doesn't so presumably doesn't get the extra money she is hoping for? She's currently single and not planning on having children, but what if that changes? If she stops paying fees, we don't have any way of making up the shortfall. I'm also a bit doubtful about the 'offering opinions' thing, although I will say that she is a lot more intelligent and educated than DH and me, I don't want her to say things like 'go to XXX school or I'll stop paying fees' or 'do XXX gcses or I'll stop paying fees'.

DH thinks I'm being mad and unfair, and to be fair to her SIL has no track record of weird or controlling behaviour. I've known her (although never been close) since she was 17, and she's always said that education is one of the most important things you ever give a child. On the one hand I think there's so many ways that this can go wrong, but on the other hand it feels like I would be mad to let the opportunity go. Any advice?

I'll give you another perspective on the subject OP. We moved our DD from her outstanding senior school. She had been extremely unhappy & after two years where we did all the pushing, talking, working with, arguing etc., while the school did nothing but decide that DD was the quiet one in the corner they could forget about, we decided to move her. The only other state option was one we ruled out two years earlier & as that school wasn't improving we felt our only choice was to go private. The private school we chose was one we knew through our DCs swimming lessons. Except we didn't know it as well as we thought & we soon realised all was not that fabulous. The school was in a dire financial mess with the best teachers leaving, pupil numbers were down & DD was not well supported. Sadly the phrase 'jumping out of the frying pan into the fryer' was one we felt described the situation perfectly. The school went bankrupt at the end of DD's penultimate GCSE year.

Private doesn't always mean better especially if your only way of paying for it is from a relative who is already attaching strings to the offer. I know you want what's best for your child, but I would suggest you explore why your daughter is so unhappy first & try & work with her current school to iron out any issues. In fact that was another reason why our DD's first private school failed; she took all her unhappiness with her.

Best of luck with the school mind field OP.

It's madness to let sil pay. Does she understand the full cost involved? do you want her to make that kind of financial sacrifice? what if she had kids or needed the money for something else or couldn't work eg illness ? Or would you pay half and she pay half? How would it affect your relationship? what kind of pressure will it put on dd?
Have you spoken to school about scholarships and bursaries?
I am afraid I agree with the others, you may think you have boosted your dds confidence but actually you may just have set her up for a big disappointment.
Letting sil pay us not a good idea it will be a huge financial burden for her and put a strain on your relationship. Does she know how much two sets of fresh at secondary level cost? £30k is not unusual

I think if you accepted you would be taking advantage of her. It would impact her ability to pay a mortgage or her own dc through private school in the future. Just thank her for the kind thought but decline.

I wouldn't accept the offer. It's a 14 year commitment she's making. You say you get on well with her. Family dynamics can change over time and add money into the equation and it becomes more unpredictable.
I think you should thank her for her very generous offer, but decline it.
Good luck getting DH on board. He sounds quite keen.

Don't forget to factor in the cost of holiday care as independent schools have longer hols, plus any breakfast club or after school care you need.

Our extras are currently:

uniform and equipment- around £250 per child per annum
lunches - £5 per day per child
school bus - £6 per day per child
music lessons (90 percent of children do at least one instrument)- £17 per week per child
holiday cover (LOTS of holidays at independent schools) - £25 per child per day
after school club - £5 per child per day
early birds (compulsory in primary for drop off before 8.30) - £4 per child per day

trips - ha ha! this year's trip for DS1's year group costs £3k!!

I'd be very wary.

Could you home educate instead? Even if you both have to work, you could find a home ed childminder to cover your working days and that would cost a lot less than private school. Our son was very unhappy in a failing school throughout year 3 and especially in year 4. We were in the process of trying to move areas and there were limited other options anyway so we took him out towards the end of year 4. He's now year 6 and it was definitely the right decision. He's not had to suffer the bullying and disruption, we've found lots of home ed activities to go to and he's made really good progress with one to one attention. He's hopefully going to a grammar school in September. Is home ed an option for you?

Would a home ed teacher plus all resources not cost more than a private school and be socially isolating

I'd be focusing on why she doesn't like her current school and what can be done to change this. Whether you meant to or not you have now got DD thinking that she is moving school soon - so therefore doesn't need to make any effort at her current school.

Taking money from SIL in the circumstances you describe sounds like total madness.

Would your SIL help you financially to be able to move house to an area with great schools instead?

My friend is a consultant Dr and she has a husband who also earns well. Her DM pays for one of her two DCs school fees because they can't afford to pay for both and their mortgage themselves. I'm not sure your SIL is fully aware of the costs.

2014newme - you don't need a home ed teacher or tutor for primary, most parents are perfectly capable, with a bit of support from online programmes like Mystery Science and Conquer Maths. As for social isolation there are loads of home ed groups, workshops and activities going on - there's certainly no need to be isolated. It was just an idea, I know it's a bit outside the box for most people. I was just thinking that even if they needed some childcare for part of the week that would be cheaper than private school.

I wouldn't go down this route. What happens if your educational opinions differ? School fees tend to rise quite sharply especially as you approach senior school (plus the annual increases). I have one in prep and one in senior and its a heck of a commitment financially. I feel it as a parent and I could well imagine your SIL would get fed up of the financial pressures and constraints over time. What happens if she agrees to pay for one child but not the other?

As a PP poster has outlined don't underestimate the extras.
Mine include:-
Uniform (including designated coat, bags, blazer, scarf etc)
Winter Sports kit ( plus football boots, rugby boots and mouthguard)
Summer Sports kit (no overlap with winter kit of course)
You can easily spend £200 -£300 once you think about footwear as well.
(I've just spent £90 on specialist sports kit for DS1 on top of buying the above)
Music lessons - £22 per lesson
Trips are not too bad but still £50 per term
Various charity things / costumes / cake sales every term

Did you make a decision OP?

There are good comments on this thread. I would agree though with the one who said check with the school about bursaries before turning it down completely. Good luck finding the right solution for your family.

Assuming that either you have tried to resolve the issues with your sons current school or that it's not anything that can be changed, what other options have you looked at you looked at apart from the prep? You might be surprised at how different state primary's can be from each other and find one that is better suited to your son.

Also, how much do you know about the prep school? Obviously, there have always been some prep schools that are better than others but there are increasing numbers of prep schools that are actually no better than an average state or in some cases even worse. There are more parents than ever looking for an alternative to state education and some prep schools rely on the fact that private means better when in reality they do not provide much extra. In general their fees are lower but even so it's a massive financial commitment for an average education. I would always advise looking around carefully at any prep school, make sure it delivers an education worth the money and speak to other parents.

Personally, I would rather send my child to a less than perfect state primary and pay for additional tutors if necessary that waste any money on an average prep school.

I won't repeat what other posters have said about taking your SIL up on her offer. Hopefully, you can decline the offer without too much fuss but if your SIL and husband don't budge, some additional info might be useful

Firstly, although the fees themselves are significant and rise between 5-10% every year, don't underestimate how much the additional costs are. It might feel that uniform, extra clubs and trips is not a lot but trust me it adds up. My two boys uniform in the first year was over £800, each activity is about £200 a term, trips are not too bad but then you've got all the presents to get for teachers every term, countless number of cake sales or raffles or other stuff for charity. I reckon my boys extras are in the region of £1500 a term. I'm forever forking out for something 'optional' which is basically not

Secondly, most people who go private tend to do so through secondary as well (or if they are lucky get into a good grammar). I don't know of anyone who has gone for primary private and secondary state and although I'm happy to be corrected, I cannot imagine my boys dealing very well in a state school of 1500 with limited facilities when they leave at 13. And I can tell you, the extras at secondary can get ridiculous.

if I were you, I'd park private, at least for now, focus on what you think the real issues are with your DSs school and look for another primary that can provide better. Frankly, the main thing at primary is making sure that they can read, write and do some basic maths and you can support that at home. You can pretty much get a place at a private school in any year so if your SIL is really adamant you could think of taking her up on her offer In a few years time.

Good luck!

She won't be able to afford 2 private school fees on her NHS salary