Somebody HELP!

[Creole]

Apologies for the strong subject heading, but I'm at my wits end.

Anyway, I had a meeting with my son's class teacher and head(I had no idea he'll be present). They are worried about my son's behaviour in school - apparently, he does not do as he's told, he has to be told more than once to do something, he messes around a lot in the class. Some days he'll do a lot of good work and other days he just can't be bothered.
What they've told me is really not news to me and I have discussed this before on here and worked with his reception teacher, which I thought worked, but now I'm really worried. I've tried everything to get him to listen - I've tried the charts, naughty step and the wall, but nothing seem to work. I've also talked to him about his behaviour a lot of the time, I am at my wits end.

My ds is 6 next month and in year 1, they believe if he carries on like this he may underachieve, they say he's bright and capable of a lot...

Oh I don't know, any advice gratefully receive.

I hope this makes sense.

Thanks
Creole

If he is bright..is he bored & thats why he looks fr somehting else to do ?
I would say that the teaching staff should be the ones with the experience of child behaviours & they should be advising you on strategies

Sorry to hear this creole.

Can you not ask to see a paediatrician just to check there is nothing underlying causing this?

It's just by what you have said you seem to have tried everything

Oh dear, I just want to cry!
everybody I've spoken to about this have given me horror stories - ranging from labelling my son to statementing him for behvioural problems.

The school have suggested a smiley face book to be brought home everyday. He gets a sad face if he doesn't listen and a happy face if he does.

I got my ds and I to draw up a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour to remind him, which we've put up on the wall. I'm also thinking of an after school club that may be appropriate, any ideas???

I'm soooo tired.

Creole, I agree with Whizzz that it should be the school's job to deal your son's behaviour at school, not yours. You are doing nothing wrong. All you've described sounds like normal five-year-old boy behaviour to me. I'd love a pound for every thread on here about inattention in Year 1. My DS3 just tuned out most of the time, causing much twittering (but no action) from the school; now he's in Year 3 and doing well. Unless you have concerns about his behaviour at home, I wouldn't go looking for underlying problems that probably don't exist.

As for the after school club, I'd be guided by your son's interests.

Thanks Hallgerda, I really need to hear that after a horrible night I had - I didnt sleep at all. I just couldn't stop crying this morning and unfortunately, I cried in front of my ds. God knows how am going to cope today.

I'm soo tried with all this, it's really getting me down.

I just want someone to take all this away, I feel like a complete failure in everything I do. All I want is the very best for him, oh I can't...

Creole, I just typed a long post aboout how similar my boy was at this age and deleted it cause it was a ramble.
But, he is only five months older than yours and there has been a huge differene since he turned 6. He is still as silly as a sheep a lot of the time but now he also wants to learn.
I think in general that 5 year old boys are a bit roudy and silly and the teacher should be aware of this and have strategies in place to deal with it.
Don't take it all on yourself. Let the school come up with ways to catch his interest.
Please try and stop panicing. Just have a think about whether you feel this is just typical boy behaviour or whether you really have noticed anything more unusual in his behaviour at home.

Agree with Hallgerda.
The school shouldn't be applying pressure to you for problems that they are having in school. I wouldn't get upset about remarks of underachieving either. 'Underachieving' I really dislike that word. He's 5. He's got time to settle down yet. They've already said he's bright and capable so you've nothing to worry about on that count. I don't think it's a good idea to carry on punishments at home (naughty step, wall, etc). Perhaps have another talk with him and explain the classroom situation to him (teacher is sad when you mess about, sort of thing).
I think it's really difficult for some primary children to sit still all day. But I would have expected the school to have better ways of dealing with it. He can't be the first or the only child they've come across.
Try to calm down and not get too upset about it. Another 12 months and it could all be different again.

Just to add to the chorus of agreement - little boys are absolute fidget pants in year one and it does vary from day to day. To give you some idea, ds is just a naturally obedient, keen-to-learn child, but even he got comments from the teacher about inattentiveness, failure to listen etc. Whatever we said to him or whatever incentive we tried, he just seemed literally incapable of keeping consistent attentive behaviour up for more than a few days at a time at this age. And the mums of some of his friends told me tales that would make your hair curl. All of them are much, much better in Yr 3.

It sounds as though you are doing just fine at home creole and the school are, not necessarily deliberately, rather panicking you with this.

Instead of just alerting you to the problem, they should be sharing their tactics for dealing with him in class and briefing you on specific things you can do to reinforce this at home. But, really, unless your boy is in the small minority of children who do have an underlying health issue, I think he will grow out of it. The trick is to keep him liking school while he does so.

The only thing I can add to the really sensible advice posted on this thread is to double check his diet, make sure he isn't having sugary cereal before school and that he is having decent snacks and water throughout the day - I know it sounds obvious, but sometimes it is the obvious we miss, so apologies if you have already done this! It's just I know that my kids get really distracted and silly if they are hungry or have had sugar.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but you may be over reacting.
Even my dd2 who is above average academically and very good at being Miss Popular with teachers and peers and achieving good behaviour awards had a period of behaviour (at a slightly older age than your ds) that sounds like your ds that led to the teacher 'having a word' with me. We spoke to her about it and are lucky that it seemed to stop.
My view is that with a bright child it is either boredom because the school is not able to challenge the bright ones or being tired of being called 'swot', or whatever current terminoligy is, by their peers or perhaps they realise that they get more attention this way. Or perhaps that is just his personality at the moment. I think that when a child is 5 or 6 you still can't really reason with them or really get them to understand consequences but there's a big difference between 5 or 6 and 7 or 8. Things may change naturally.
There is no way the school hasn't had and still has much worse children to deal with. What is their strategy? Is the school actually suggesting this is serious enough to be 'statement' worthy?
My dd2 is actually quite competitive and like being ones of the 'clever' ones. I'm sure it's terribly non pc but it has seemed to work to point out that if she messes around in school she will turn around one day and find everyone else is doing as well or better than her. This may not work with other children.
You should definately point out that there is a time and a place for everything and the classroom is for working hard and the playground and after school are for having fun (and make sure he gets that fun!).
If you are concerned enough then its an educational psychologist you need. It may be you need a change of school.

My ds is younger than yours, but his behaviour has really improved since I started giving him fish oils - it took about six weeks to see a difference. He is still himself ifswim but will stop any naughty behaviour immediately he is told now.

I also cut out not all, but a lot of sweet things especially juice, which he was drinking loads of. Now we only have one glass of juice a day and water the rest of the time, sweets on a Saturday only. I also use the MN pasta jar method and he gets one sweet per pasta on sweetie day - it took a couple of weeks, but once he realised that his sisters where getting more than him, he soon started to behave.

Please don't worry and don't blame yourself - it will probably pass and the school do have a duty to keep you informed.

Yes, you are so definitely not alone!!

However: how is he at home? Do you have other concerns about him?

IF you have other concerns about him (behaviour, development, eating/sleeping problems, anxieties, relationships with other children, organisation, speech oddities, for instance - these are just examples) then I agree with Blossomhill it is an idea to see your gp/paed just for a review, in case he is (as Marina says) one of the few children where this sort of problem indicates a health issue at the root.

Otherwise, I would try to sit tight and let him grow up, until at least year 3, which I agree is the time to look again.

FYI: My ds had comments like this (but sort of more dramatic - on the lines of "in my 25 years of teaching I have never had a child like this") all the way from reception. It was only by year 3 that it really was clear that his difficulties - which are related to language - are out of the ordinary. (He's still fine and lovely, though, and doing well academically despite needing help with day-to-day routine stuff.)

I have also done Eye-Q fish oil thing with my dcs since an early age - no idea if it works! Also the sugar thing - for various reasons not related to behaviour we do try to keep this low - also additives and stuff. Again hard to tell whether this makes a difference as they've never been been noticeably naughtier or less attentive than the norm (imo). However, we do still remember a day of unbelievably unpleasant behaviour from one dc noticeably after being fed coco pops by grandparent who cannot stick to our rules!
I am very sceptical about all the allergies that every one seems to have developed in the last few years - but anythings worth a try.

Is he just inattentive? What I mean is, is he nice to other children, moderately polite to adults, not violent or destructive? If so, then I think he's just a 5 year old boy! My year one boy has to be reminded a lot about getting on with his work - he still just wants to play (and who's to say he's wrong!) I scond others who say that his behaviour at school is largely the responsibility of the school, they shouldn't be putting it on to you. When my son was being particularly bonkers, I used to get down to his level every morning (in the hearing and sight of the teacher) and say "Now, if someone asks you to do something today, what will you do?" His response was "Do it!" "And if someone asks you to stop doing something?""Stop doing it" This little ritual had two main functions. It let the teacher know that I wasn't ignoring his behaviour, and it gate him a reminder of what was expected of him. ANother thing, it might be worth checking how much outside play they get. All children, and particularly boys, need huge amounts of exercise. Maybe your ds just has too much energy to concentrate at school. Sorry for the essay - this is a subject dear to my heart!

And I forgot to say - how dare the school put the "he may underachieve" bit onto you. He's 5, FGS - in a lot of countries he wouldn't even be in school yet, never mind being given labels like that!!!!!!!

Katelyle is right; check with the school that what they are asking of your ds is actually reasonable. Is he getting enough rambunctious time? Does the teacher ever listen to your ds to repay any good listening that he does to her?

I know it's hard with the amount of kids they have but I feel BEING listened to can be a big factor in kids feeling engaged with learning. Kids have a huge need to talk, be listened to and be understood.

Just keep asking them what strategies they are coming up with. Put it back where it belongs. You are obviously supporting the school as far as you can but you are not there all day, the teacher is!

And also agree with others, don't be pulled down by this or take this too seriously. He's very very young!

Haven't read all the thread, so sorry if I repeat....
As a former teacher, think that schools sometimes forget how old their children are! I know they look older in a uniform and when they learn the school routine etc BUT they are still babies really! If we had a mufti day, or pyjama day I'd sometimes be quite shocked at how young they seemed... Anyway...
Try not to get too downhearted about this. It may be that the school are just being a bit heavy handed. Agree that they are the professionals and should have methods in place to deal with behavioural issues, although I did find that if the child concerned knew the school were talking to his/her parents that could sometimes help to calm the problems down.
Is it a very formal school Creole? Were there problems in Reception? Do you think your ds is finding the work too easy/hard? Does he get enough running around time? Are there things about school he particularly likes/doesn't like?
Sorry - rambling... Hope it helps to see you are not alone.

Thanks to all of you for your very blunt and honest replies, I really was in a state, which was compounded by some of the advice I got from friends and family. Also, I was expecting the meeting to be between me and the teacher, but she got the head involved as well which really freaked me out ? is that what they do? I had a lot of suggestions to offer prior to the meeting, but seeing the head, I just went numb.

To answer some of your questions:
The strategy they have adopted is a smiley face book, whereby he gets a sad face for naughty behaviour and a happy face for being good, this will be sent home everyday for me to see.
It seems they are more concerned about his written work, to which I ask if they have any support groups he can attend as my ds has never liked writing. They said he is above the level of help they offer, so it?s just a case of motivating him to do his very best.
He is above average at reading and got a certificate before christmas.
It is a very formal and academic state (faith) school, there were problems in reception, but I thought it was dealt with and things improved ? I worked very closely with the teacher then. However, the yr1 teacher said this behaviour became more apparent since after Christmas.

He?s not violent or destructive; he just does not listen or do as he?s told. For example, when he?s told to line up, he?ll do it for one minute and then revert back to what he was doing ? he tends to forget a lot of the time.

At home, I find I repeat myself an awful lot, esp. when I want him to do something, but this is not new.

He?s very popular with his class mates and tends to be invited to almost all of the boy?s parties ? he just loves to play and enjoy himself. He loves his school and I think a change of school would not be a good idea.

Re his diet, it?s very limited as he is still very fussy with what he eats; therefore, his diet consists of hardly any sugars or junk ? he can?t stand cakes or some sugary foods like sweets etc.

The teachers never said anything about SEN or statement, but some of my ?advisers? wondered if that would be the next step, since the head was involved in the meeting. What do you think?

Thanks again
Creole

What sort of writing are they expecting of him? My ds is the same age (6 next month) and he can only write a little. It sounds a bit as if your school is fitting the child to the targets, rather than the other way round!

again, I agree with you katelyle

It sounds as if the school are expecting too much of him and forgetting just how young he is!

If he is generally very happy there then I think maybe you have to start taking all this with a pinch of salt....so what if he can't line up yet, he will get there....of course he'd rather be off doing his own stuff, he's a boy with a brain and some spirit! The more I see these threads on mumsnet the more I realise that school does demand a level of obedience that simply does not sit well when a child has the confidence to want to do what THEY want to do! I know that there have to be rules, because they are dealing with so many children, but it seems to really not suit lots of kids.

oh and my parents were teachers and I've always been told that writing is an 'output' skill which can come in some kids MUCH later than reading - he is at an age where I would say it's not at all unusual for the writing skills to be lagging behind, not to mention that boys develop the fine motor skills later than girls etc etc.

The school are being over the top. If you can, let it roll over you and just wait. He will get there in time.