Strategies for managing school refusal

[ReallyTired]

What is the most effective way of getting a child who refuses to go to school back in school. It's easier to physically force a key stage 1 child into school than a strapping year 9 boy. Do you think it's more effective to parents to punish non attendence, if it might be caused by mental illness.

My son has been refusing to attend school. I have had almost everyone trying to advise me on how to get him back in school. Is there any serious research rather than just opinions.

We have gone down the line of turning off wifi and removing access to all electrical devices on days he refuses to go to school. We have also put the Xbox in the loft. Is punishment the right way to deal with a child who maybe suffering from severe anxiety? We have also had meetings with the school who think we should be even harsher.

We organised DD at secondary way more than most other people. She wouldn't have survived otherwise. Even now at 6th form I need to discuss with her her plan for each day. I also agree on the 1-1 thing. Most of DD's revision for her GCSEs was 1-1 with me. Luckily I had the time, energy and knowledge. But it made a tremendous difference.

Things to ponder, no need to answer here unless you want to:
Does he get to use a laptop?
Do teachers provide hand-out notes for him so he doesn't need to write so much?
Do you help him organise so there is less for him to remember?
Can you chase up the referrals and say urgent now due to school refusal?
Are there any other schools nearby (or not so nearby) which might be smaller/calmer/more nurturing that he could switch to for a fresh start?

I do think keeping up with the core subjects at home could be key to getting him back in. Surely missing lessons and therefore knowing he will be behind must add to the stress at the thought of returning.

Would he go with a phased return? e.g. Just first 2 lessons each day to start with, or working in their 'isolation' area or whatever?

But if he won't talk to you, it must make it 1000x harder to resolve.

Anxiety is insidious in teenagers. You often don't see it coming, but then it explodes and becomes part of who they are for a while (or for longer than a while in some cases). Teenagers with SN are particularly susceptible.

Op does he have any sensory processing issues? That's a biggie with children with SN/SEN who struggle to attend school.

I have two DC who we have struggled to get into school.
Ds1 is 15, we recently took him out of school. We recently found he has ASD traits along with OCD and anxiety. He also ticks boxes for dyslexia and dyspraxia.
For him, holding everything in during a school day to appear "normal" was what made him school refuse, and some days it was just too much.
Ds2 has ASD/PDA, we have (to a certain extent) learnt to manage his school refusal by trying to manage his anxiety and learning to spot the signs that it's all too much and taking him out of school for a few days to recover (through our GP). He is affected by sensory issues and change, so we know there are times (like Christmas term) when difficult behaviour and potential refusal is predictable.

In your case, I would try to chase up an assessment for dyspraxia, and ASD if the paed thinks it appropriate. Knowing for sure and being able to have support put in place can make a difference.

Someone mentioned having school work sent home, this would be a good idea so he doesn't fall behind (although ds1's school wouldn't consider this until we deregistered him).

Try to help him follow an interest that makes him feel confident about himself. Low self esteem and anxiety are horrible and make you feel worthless.

Could you home ed? Using something like inter high?

Apologies if I have missed this but what does he say when you ask him about why he won't go?

A very close family member was a "school refuser". Except she wasn't. She was ill but it took a long time for diagnosis, by which time she was depressed at not being believed/being made to go in which made her condition worse. There were also several attempts at reintegration that were appallingly planned with zero communication to staff so every time she went into a new lesson she had to explain who she was again and often wasn't even on the register. For someone with already fragile mental health it was too much and she never went back.

She's fine now btw. Has a couple of degrees, successful career and a nice partner and family. She hasn't forgotten how badly her parents or the school treated her though, even if she has moved on.

How's your DS doing ReallyTired?
I was in for a meeting, where I've explained I think DS is at risk of a suicide attempt. They are still proposing I cut down his computer game allowance, the only thing he enjoys at the moment.
They've agreed not to discuss attendance strategies until CAMHS have assessed his mental health, but yesterday had a really snotty voicemail off the attendance woman at school (who is not involved with any of the meetings we've had), telling me she's 'not happy' with the reason I've given for his non-attendance yesterday.
He had a blood test at 8:40, I thought he could have it and go to school but he freaked out so much he couldn't go in.
We're looking at a potential autism diagnosis, the blood test, the woman touching his arm, asking him questions, sticking a needle into him, freaked him so much all he could do was go back home to bed. These sort of forced interactions rip him apart, but attendance woman says he should have 30 minutes to pull himself together then off to school.
Bloody hell, I'm annoyed with her.
Seeing consultant in July, it's the waiting game now.

I'm no expert on mental health but as a head of year several years ago, the one thing I noticed was that once it was an entrenched habit with a mum trying to get her son (especially) to go to school and him refusing, it was hard to break.

The one thing I found worked was getting a friend of the boy to go round every morning and knock for him. The habit broke and everything changed. I did it 3 times and it made a massive difference. They can't quite bring themselves to have a paddy with a friend watching. Not cool. So they go.

we recently had a meeting with secondary-school-to-be SENCO and was told that if dd is late she gets an automatic detention. As much as I agree with zero tolerance, this is not helpful when trying to get an ASD child in to school, even if they are late. I can hear it now - "What's the point of going in now, when I'm just going to get a detention"?

More discussions/meetings required I think.

Dd 13 is/was a budding school refuser. She has ASD and secondary school is torture for her (she loved Primary) We are currently going through a good patch, mostly because, as it was getting to the point where she was going to refuse, I met with the school and dd is currently on a reduced timetable so she finishes at lunchtime on a Tuesday and starts after first break on a Wednesday. Knowing that she gets a break mid week is enough to keep her in school for now and because the reduced timetable was agreed in advance it doesn't show as absences on her record of attendance.
She no longer does PE or History though which isn't a big deal for me when the alternative was her not attending any lessons.
As it stands there is still the option for a late start on Friday as well as bargaining power should refusal look likely again.
For dd it is preferable that we give permission for her to miss parts of the week rather than it get to the point where she refuses because it will be a nightmare to get her back in school otherwise.
Since she started on the reduced timetable she hasn't missed a lesson of those she is scheduled to attend and mornings are easier by far so it appears to be working for now at least.
Has your son been offered a reduced timetable? Is there a lesson he enjoys that he might be willing to attend? For dd it has to be carrots all the way any coercion implied or otherwise would be met with point blank refusal.

It is so sad to hear how many children find school so difficult that they will not attend. Especially when they are struggling with needs as well.
I think being different at teenager is so hard, even when it is something as simple as not having the right sweatshirt, imagine all of the difficulties that go with ASD on top of that.
Have you tried CBT? That is so effective at breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and I did find a group for ASD children to work through their difficulties with drama (now cannot find again - sorry) for a friend. Her DD did not want to go through - mainly boys.
Apart from the school refusing, how is he generally? Still communicating? Lethargic? If you have any worries it could be more than anxiety he can cope with, drag him to a drop in straightaway and get him seen by a professional.
BTW do you have someone you can talk to as well? I would imagine his is taking its toll on you, make sure you have support as well.

My ds was a school refuser due to anxiety. He missed most of y 10. I found the school really unhelpful but I did get him some home tuition which kept them off my back re attendance. The GP sent ds for investigation for a physical cause, but it was obviously a mh issue. No help was offered for that. I was at my wits end when a friend suggested hypnotherapy. To my surprise ds agreed to this and finally he went back to school.

Despite missing half of the GCSE course the school refused to cut the number of GCSEs. Why? Ds got 5 As the rest Es and Fs!

A word of caution, the missed year went on having repercussions for ds, such as having to do GCSE Maths at age 27. It really is important to get them back to school /a school.

I was a school refuser. Missed all of year 8, most of year 11 and had very low attendance in-between.

For me, it was a combination of ASD traits, severe anxiety and depression and a difficult home situation, as well as being naturally quite able and mature for my age and feeling as if it was a waste of time - I'd truant and spend the day reading physics books in the local library!

I found that pressure at home intensified the anxiety and punishments had no effect - I'd literally have preferred to sit at home doing nothing interesting, spend the day doing chores, or just about anything rather than going to school. The anxiety was so intense and the sense of relief when I knew I wasn't going to school that day so strong that anything else was secondary. I don't think harshness helps - any child who is avoiding school just so that they can do more fun things at home will respond quickly when those things are taken away, but in most cases it's far more complex.

I'd suggest that if this is a long-term issue you seriously consider homeschooling, online schooling, or if your circumstances make that impossible, at least a different physical school. I got good GCSEs and am currently attending university as a mature student. I don't regret missing so much school. I do regret that in my case it was never recognized that school wasn't a good fit for me and I suffered with all that anxiety for so long.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your son!