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Original poster

Do you encourage your children to fight back?

24 replies

frances5 · 04/12/2006 17:13

Andrew is reception and he has been kicked and punched a couple of times. Today he got into trouble because he decided to fight back and punched the kid who had hit him. His arguement is that its unfair that the school does nothing about the boys who kick and punch and he is fed up.

I can see his viewpoint, but I dont really agree with it. Do you tell your children to hit back? One of Andrew's little friends has been told by his mother "Its better to tell the teacher, but if you must hit back, then make sure the teacher isnt looking!"

OP posts:

whatwouldjesusdo · 04/12/2006 17:35

yes, my children do fight back, and I give approximately the same advice as your ds's friend. Tell the teacher, but if they do nowt or if they arent around, deck the boy who hit you.

whatwouldjesusdo · 04/12/2006 17:38

whoops, better change my name.

NotAnOtter · 04/12/2006 17:41

no - never - i am not holier than though but do believe in karma

corrina28 · 04/12/2006 17:58

i always have to say to ds1 who is 7 to stand up for him self - not neccessarily hit anyone, but if someone upsets him that he has to tell someone, its no good coming home on a friday and telling me that something bad happened and expecting the naughty children to be told off on the monday (as he did the other week).

Glassofwine · 04/12/2006 18:13

I've told all three of mine that if someone hurts them they should say something - like 'stop doing that, if you do it again I'll do it back to you'. If they stop, great, if they carry on - then retaliate. it may not be pc - but I think it's realistic

hulababy · 04/12/2006 18:17

No, I have told DD (also just started school) not to hit back. Instead she is to say loudly "don't do that" or something similar, and go straight to tell her teacher.

I don't think hitting back in the long run is a good idea for most playground squabbles and disagreements. And it is almost always the one who retaliates who gets seen and in trouble. So, not even worth it from that POV either.

stoppinattwo · 04/12/2006 18:32

I had a similar thread

here

I told DS to walk away but dont be taken for a fool, if it carries on, floor them, he only had to do it once, it has stopped altogether now.

They need to pick their battles, otherwise they are in danger of becoming a bully.

hana · 04/12/2006 18:33

i wouldn't advocate hitting back

overfheard conversation between 2 friends in shop the other day and one was saying to the otehr that she tells her son to hit back.....
umm
tell the teachers/adults s/someone!

I'd be asking why the school isn't doing anyting about it thb , or maybe they are and your son isn't aware of it

and 'if you must hit back make sure the teacher isn't looig'

!!!

Piffle · 04/12/2006 18:38

I taught ds to walk away at alla costs adn to this day think it was the biggets regret of my otherwise pretty good parenting life.
DD is being taught, we don't hit, but you may push or defend yourself against someone who is physically harassing you.
when poss clal teacher, but sometimes it's ok to use some force to protect yourself, it also stops those repeating attacks on you
DS has suffered some major injuries - broken arm and broken nose to name but two.
He is 13 and has just realised that if someone runs into you in the lunch queue 5-6 times, it's quite to ok to stick your elbow out to cop them one...

hana · 04/12/2006 18:40

agree with piffle

Glitterygookwithchocsonthetree · 04/12/2006 18:41

My first advice would be to tell a teacher, walk away etc.

If it continued regardless then I'd tell them to hit back, no question.

Glassofwine · 04/12/2006 18:42

Thats why I think a warning first, but if no response then retaliate is the most realistic advice. Of course I don't want them to be bullys, but not pushovers either.

Piffle · 04/12/2006 18:43

ironic thing is with my 2 is that ds is nearly 13, 5ft 2, 7.5 stone and a rugby player
DD is 4 weighs a teensy 13kgs is 95 cms and has more skills in these situations than ds does.

Hallgerda · 04/12/2006 20:39

I would give your son a few other strategies to use in preference to hitting back. Telling the aggressor loudly and clearly not to do it, and trying to stand where the teacher is watching, and not running to the toilets if you feel threatened, are all helpful pieces of advice.

As others have said, you need to talk to the school and find out what they are doing about the situation. If they are doing nothing or are unaware of the problem I would be very worried.

However, I would not advocate complete nonviolence in all circumstances, for the reasons Piffle gives.

handlemecarefully · 04/12/2006 20:41

My advice to the dc's is as per Glassofwine...

handlemecarefully · 04/12/2006 20:41

Had to stifle a laugh at whatwouldjesusdo further down the thread [guffaw]

whatwouldjesusdo · 05/12/2006 17:28

unknownrebelbang · 05/12/2006 17:47

As the mother of a child who went through an aggressive phase, please think carefully before encouraging your child to hit back, especially when they're primary school age.

We worked hard with our youngest child and the school to improve his behaviour throughout this phase and we succeeded eventually, but the situation was not helped by other children being told by well-meaning parents to hit back - even though I understand the sentiment.

Obviously each situation is different.

Original poster

frances5 · 05/12/2006 18:04

I had to laugh at whatwouldjesusdo comment.

Seriously I think there is a big difference between hitting back and defending yourself. I am not sure how best to teach my son to keep himself safe. I think there are times when it is sense to fight back. However children need to try all other strageries.

The problem is that a four year old has no concept of the difference between a punch up and self defence

OP posts:

missymoosal · 05/12/2006 18:17

Infant school tell the teacher
Primary school tell the teacher if it happens again if they hit you hit them back twice as hard believe me they won't do it again a bully is always looking for a weak person to dominate if you don't put up with their crap they move on.
Unlike what would jesus do I'm not embarrassed just a realist.

poinsettydog · 05/12/2006 18:20

I actively promote the tongue-lashing and ignoring tactics.

As they get older, the whole 'tell the teacher' thing can really work against you, like it or not.

And, like others, I can understand getting to the point of saying hit back and do not rule out saying that one day. I fear my kids would be pretty woossy in that situation though.

unknownrebelbang · 05/12/2006 18:22

What do you tell your child when the "bully" is bigger and stronger, and your child is tiny?

Not all incidents are started by the "bully".

Some incidents are created when the "bully" is provoked into over-reacting and lashing out.

Each situation is different.

missymoosal · 05/12/2006 20:13

Can only speak from my own experience on all occasions it has involved the couple of class thugs who try everyone out for size to see who the best victim is. When my son got grabbed from behind and throttled by class thug he bent his knees then lifted his foot and rammed the heel of his shoe on the toe of the offending child.(technique taught by myself in the summer holidays)
He soon let go and there has been no repeat, my older kids are in yr 7 in a school of 1500 kids they have to be able to defend themselves in any way they can.
I also teach them verbal reasoning skills and how to how to verbally put down a bully but sometimes physical things do occur and I feel confident they are able to deal with most situations.
My kids attend a good school in Surrey and are in the top sets for all their subjects so they are not looking for trouble but it does not matter where you go to school these issues are at all schoolsand you just have to prepare them as best you can.

Jingle · 06/12/2006 12:28

Interesting topic! DD was pushed over, called names in reception and we kept telling DD to tell the playground supervisor; which she promptly did. Guess what, once when DD came back in tears and I went to school to have a word, I was told my DD "seeks justice all the time" and the other child is a 'big girl' and can be clumsy. DD's school report came back saying she "needs lots of attention at playtime" - basically can't deal with her probelms. The next year we continued the same preaching - count to 10, ignore, go away, say no - well nothing changed; she came home with bruised kness and torn tights. This year (year 2) I have changed my tactics. She was totally let down by teachers. I have now told her to look at the child's eye and say " No, thankyou; not interested; shut up". And if she really gets annoyed, when the teacher isn't looking, pinch, punch or whatever.
I have spent 2 years waiting for the teachers to help my child but now I have taken it on my hands. Don't think DD has hurt anyone but surely she has said a few sharp words and kept bullies at arm's distance alright. DD is a much happier child in the past 5 weeks.

Moral high grounds don't seem to have a place and I'm no saint no more ;-)

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