Moving a Reluctant Child

[SchoolBlues]

My 10 year old is refusing to contemplate moving out of our local school system. I can see the long term view that he would have more opportunities (academic and otherwise) at the local private school. He doesn't want to leave friends.

We are in Scotland and before considering any other advantages our local school offers 6 subjects at National 5 versus 8 subjects offered at the private school.

Has anyone persuaded a reluctant child to move?

Why persuade him? Are you unhappy with his present school?

Yes I'm unhappy with the high school he would go to. For starters it has a narrower curriculum.

Has he visited the proposed school?

There is more than one option. He went around one after a lot of persuading and, although he was more engaged than I'd feared, he came out insisting he won't be going and I'm not to mention it anymore!

Since he was seriously upset when I first mooted this, I think I need to back off.

My dilemma is that I feel an irresponsible parent to allow him to make this decision with long term consequences.

I have moved children against their will and seen them flourish eventually, so to answer your question, no I would never let a 10 year old choose.

He needs to see the other possibility. He can't decide on schools he hasn't seen.

So everyone in his year will be moving schools next September anyway? Do you have any idea if any other parents might be considering not transferring to the high school. I imagine once it becomes a subject of conversation at school he might change his mind if he finds that his friends will be scattering. It's obviously harder if they're all going on to the same school.

Do you know any older children at your desired school? Or their parents? Do they hold any events you could take him to? Do they have facilities for any particular interest of his?

Are you sure it's just the friend thing? Any unspoken fears he might have?

Very true- it is a time of great change. Others will be contemplating the next step. Don't shy away from discussing and visiting.

Like Gruach said. It might be that not everyone is going to the same school anyway. Locally DC can end up at any of 8 schools.

Are there likely to be many children at the private school that live close to you? If it's a huge catchment your DS may miss out on friends to hang out with.

Yes it may be narrower curriculum but if he isn't interested in the additional subjects that isn't a selling point for him! He is obviously happy/settled so is there any other reason to enforce the move?

I am seeing this from the other side at the moment. My youngest DS11 wanted to go to local school with his friends. Passed the grammar test and went to school only one other child went to. Fabulous school but.... Hates it and has been picked on horribly. Clothes cut, things thrown at him. I wish I had listened to him...
The upside is I have pulled him out and he joins comp Monday with pals. I had never seen someone so unhappy.

Thanks for your comments and opinions.

There is one state secondary locally for which my son is eligible (this is quite typical in Scotland) and most pupils from the primary will go there.

ickle: that's my dilemma as I see it. He might not see the point in more challenge at school but as an adult I can see the long term advantages. He is quite able across the board at the moment.

wannabestressfree all the best for your DS in his new school.

He is like a new child.... Happy as anything and top sets. Has friends and peace of mind. I wish I had gone with my gut...my ex husband on the other hand isn't talking to me (every cloud I suppose though :) )

Schoolblues - my parents moved when I was 11y. I was meant to go to the local grammar with three close friends. I was distraught. I ended up in a new school, I didn't know anyone and had no school uniform on the first day (as we moved in the summer and didn't get the uniform list ). I stuck out like a sore thumb on the first day. I settled in without problems, did very well academically and left at 18 a group of close friends.
In my husband's case, his father refused to let him go to the local comp where his entire class were going and instead sent him to a private school. My husband protested but it fell on deaf ears. Similarly he did very well academically and when he bumps into people from his old school he silently thanks his lucky stars (and father!).

At 10/11y, children do not know best. Like all of us, the prospect of change and the unknown is scary. Think how you feel when you start a new job. However, it's our role to think long term.

Good luck!

Just to add, the above doesn't mean I think you should move him. Rather, that is a natural reaction by your son which you should acknowledge but not necessarily let influence your final decision.

I hate when parents allow DCs to choose - my DNiece refused to move to the better bigger secondary school in the next town (brighter DCs could move there at 14 I think it was). Parents let her choose, she was nastily bullied much of the time at the not academic school she stayed in.

Moving schools is horrible, all the strangeness of it, but no way does a 10 year old know what is best.

OP, don't give up. It's natural to resist change, but I agree with the previous posters, that it's your responsibility to guide your son through this. If you haven't even seen the schools, then you've both done a poor job at choosing your best option, don't give up just because your son can't be bothered.

We moved our kids this year. It took 4 visits to the new school, over the course of one year, for DS to stop being resentful and start taking things in. We also visited our local schools, for comparison. During the first visit to the new school all DS wanted to do was to get out of there as quickly as possible. He was tense and from his point of view he's made his mind up already, so we were wasting his time.

Eventually, but not on the first visit, he started to notice things that appeal to him - great library, awesome opportunities for programming, school trips that are just wow, facilities, extra-curricular clubs. So he agreed to sit exams. Then, when he passed, he was so proud.

4 weeks into the term, and he's settled fine. The whole summer he had a good-bye card from his old friends under the pillow, and the first week in the new school was very hard, but he's settling in well now.

My colleague who had a similar problem with one of his sons many years ago said to his son that "Look, sometimes you just have to trust me that I'm making the right decision. I do this because I want you to be happy, but if despite my best intentions you won't be, and if in 6 months you still feel the way you do now, I promise I will take you out of this new school and you can go back to your old/local school." That conversation in 6 months time never happened.

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Your son's initial reaction seems similar to my DS's, LoveAnchor.

We had this with our DD. Is your DS in P6? If so, you have 2 years to "work" on him. We found it was really important to sit down and discuss the reasons we wanted her to move,with her, and to listen to and talk through her fears and anxieties. Having a taster day or even several taster days is vital. Make an appointment to go to your local catchment school too to compare and also to show you are prepared to take his point of view seriously. After that you are well informed and able to properly draw comparison.

I understand your despair with regards the limiting of subjects at many of the state schools. Our local schools are also just 6 Nationals. Use this to your advantage though by looking at the subjects he likes and discussing which ones he would have to drop at state but could study at the private school. It is useful to know that he must do English, maths and a MFL which only leaves 3 choices so if he wants to take 3 sciences (and that's only if he is allowed) he can't then study any humanities at state. (At least that's what is on offer at our local state school).

By the way, our daughter moved but it became her decision and one she felt ultimately comfortable with. She is now in her 2 year at her private school and loves it. She had a few ups and downs at the start until the friendships really kicked in then it all settled down. Since the 1st half term it has all been good.

Thanks motherstongue. Yes we have 2 years until secondary. I did think entry next year might be helpful as the local school spends a lot of time on transition activities in their final year at primary. Will keep plugging away !

You still have time, SchoolBlues. It'll be fine. Try and find reasons to visit the school more - competitions, events, open days... Good luck x

The way we explain education benefits to children is we say that the better education you have, the more options you have in life in terms of jobs/career. If your education is not so good you can only do certain jobs, and in those jobs you're typically told what to do, and you have to do it, whether you like it or not (think cashier service in supermarkets). When you have excellent education, you can choose which jobs you like and often you can apply for jobs where you're the boss, or start your own company.

Then you can link it to league tables or other evidence that the new school you're suggesting offers better education than the local one.

I moved DS1 at 8 years old, it was pretty hard then, I know he would have been even worse at 10.

I'm also in Scotland and moved DS becuase our local school was not very good, so I sent him to a much larger out of catchment primary. It took him about a week to like it there and 3 months before he stopped missing his old friends. He has just started High School in August and is so pleased I made the change for him.

I did have a good excuse of not being able to get local childcare, so he felt he had no choice anyway. Had I liked his school I would have found a way around the childcare issue.

I think you need to be clear that he is moving and he can help you find the right school to move to, but that he will move whatver.