Parents' Evening

[ruslara]

Does anyone have any ideas about how I should deal with a dfficult teacher at Parents' Evening tomorrow? When I say difficult, I mean she is not very very forthcoming about information relating to dd's abilities and / or progress. She is defensive about virtually everything and hates being questioned by parents. Please help! DD is Year 2 now, and I'm getting increasingly frustrated!

Is she insecure?

Maybe start out by outlining some positive attributes she has as a teacher so she feels valued?

Will watch this thread with inerest - good luck!

Lots of teachers hate parents' evenings! Most will not make comparisons with other children - I found it frustrating that I never knew how mine per performing within the class - ie were they 'average'.
Your best bet is to take a notepad and tell her that you would like to jot down any particular areas of concern so that you can support your child and the school. At least then if there's anything negative she is likely to give you some points to work at.
And if you type out your child's report & post it on mn then I am EXCELLENT at reading between the lines and telling you what the phrases really mean! eg 'Exhibits some challenging behaviour' = right little thug who goes round beating up his classmates and wrecking the classroom!
Only joking, of course My other pice of advice would be - offer to help in class. You will build a much better relationship with the teacher plus probably also get some idea of how your dd compares with 'average'.

Ruslara, we had real problems with ds (7) teacher last year. Thought our boy had gone off the rails from the tone of the meeting, when in actual fact there seems to be a pattern developing - loves wee girls, not so keen on boys. (Not being an adoring mother, but only worked this out after speaking to other mums and seeing her behaviour at school events.)

She kept coming out with statements like 'unacceptable', 'unreasonable', 'inappropriate' behaviour. DH and I kept pushing her for examples, and then we found out that it was talking in class, and having a carry on when lining up to come back into school after break - hardly worthy of expulsion.

She hated being pushed for examples, but I didn't really care about that, only wanted to get to the bottom of it. After we found out what she was meaning,we went in heavy with the charm offensive 'wanting to work with the school', 'trying to back her up by giving consistent messages at home and school', etc. Very difficult to be so nice to someone I really didn't like as a person, and felt quite sorry for ds to have to put up with her.

We also kept in touch with the school to prove that we meant what we said. She never, ever said anything positive without following up with a negative, but we still just kept smiling and let her know we were as much on her case as we were on ds's. DS confidence took a real battering, but on the plus side is with a fabby teacher this year, has moved up to the top stream for reading. Although I can well imagine he's still a monkey, is just flourishing under a really positive, warm, lovely woman as a teacher.

Sorry, this is a really long posting, but I can understand your frustration. Another way to look at it, however, is that maybe your DD is getting on really well and she's not got anything much to say about her?

mateychops - what a good post. It's hard for children when they get stuck with a teacher they don't like.

Shucks, thanks

It angers me when I hear stories like this. Not being offensive to teachers either cause the majority are fantatsic but they are paid quite handsomely for doing this job (unenviable at times I know). After DD (5) was kept in for detention - three weeks after she started school - I phoned up the school to ask why and was told "Mrs *** doesnt do phone calls"

Well, I'm not paid 'hansomly' for the hours I work. I earn arounf £20,000 a year, I work over 50 hours a week. Some time of the year this can go up to 70 hours. For this they get an oxbridge graduate , with 7 years of teaching time in university. Comaperd to all of the people I went to uni with, I am paid the least, discounting SAHM

I was in work this morning at 7.30. there were already 14 cars in the car park. I left at 3. I had no breaks whatsoever and spent my lunch time supervising catch up for course work.

We are often not allowed to give position in the class statements....this isn't teacher choice, we are told by the school

I don't give class position because it doesn't give a good indicator of performance. The "is my child average" thing only works if the CLASS is "average".
I would give a national curriculum level (or GCSE/Alevel grade for older pupils). I would explain what that meant in real terms. I would mention how this fits in to the national profile, and compare it with past attainment. I would comment on areas that needed work, and areas that were particularly successful.

However, I am a secondary teacher. For ds (year 1), what I want to know is -
Is he working well?
Is he making progress?
Is he behaving himself?
Is he happy?

But does it really matter what position they are in the class because when they leave school they will not be sitting next to this person in their job . Surley they are each a person with their own brains so what does it matter how brainy or not the other kids are . I would want to know how they are finding the work and how they get on with their class mates and if the teacher has any concern about my child .

But that's just it. I get the distinct feeling that this teacher is not interested in my dd. She has nothing to say about how she finds the work, how she is with other kids etc etc. All I ever get is the standard "fine". The thing is, it's not fine as my dd is not happy. She goes out of her way to please this teacher, doing extra stuff at home etc (all off her own back I might add.) DD herself has told me, "I just want Mrs * to notice me." DD has suffered a major crisis of self-confidence since being with this teacher, (this is second year) despite still apparantly, (reading between the lines of everyone is equal etc etc) doing very well academically and achieving above the expected. As far as I can make out, DD is doing nothing wrong, behaviour is good, social skills are good, work is good, and yet teacher is like a brick wall. It's handling the teacher I'm worried about.
By the way, I do help out at school, as suggested, but our school has a policy of not letting you work with your own kids' year group, so that's not been great at getting me closer to said teacher, but I have learned loads about her abilities by seeing what the older kids can do.

your poor DD ,dosnt look good does it . Seems like she cant do anything right . This is a hard lesson to learn and shes too young to learn about life . I hope you can find a middle ground here . Big smiles to your DD.

Thanks! You're so right - DD is way too young to have to learn these lessons! I think I'll go with the charm offensive mentioned earlier - dazzle her with smiles and gratitude, and see if I can break through that barrier!

you could always take the teacher an apple .

There's another issue here, too...
dd may be expecting too much from her teacher. At home they have us to themselves. dd sounds like a well motivated child who is very keen to please her teacher. It may be hard for her to understand that the teacher is unable to give her more attention. All the children are equally important, so she will only get a few minutes' individual attention each day. This is a very difficult concept for most young children to grasp.

You're absolutely right, and I have explained this to DD many times. I have wondered if I did the wrong thing when she was little by giving loads of positive praise etc. When they get to school the staff don't "big them up" - as one mother put it because they should all be treated equally. Which is absoultely right, but may cause confusion for the little ones.
The teacher seems to have favourites in the class though, and DD can see this and recognise it as unfair. Obviously all teachers are human beings and will clearly be drawn to some children more than others. However, I would have thought that it was inappropriate to let this show. This favouritism extends to parents too - she has openly critisized two mothers in front of the whole class!

Good grief - that sounds so unprofessional!
But please don't think you've done the wrong thing by praising your daughter - she will have benefitted from it enormously. What is harder is remembering to keep doing it as they grow older - teens need parental praise, too! Make a conscious effort to dish out at least one positive comment every day - it works wonders.

I just knew you'd agree with me!! Thank you for your comments about praising DD - you're making me feel so much better!

It's a pleasure & I'm glad you feel a bit happier.

The charm offensive worked! I dazzled her with my smile and "you must be so exhausted!" etc etc and had the most informative parents' evening so far! Compared to ds's teacher though, she was still quite reserved, but nevertheless, infinitely better than previous meetings! Thanks to all of you for your support!

Glad to be of service! That's great news.

glad it went well - will steal all the tips for mine next week¬!