Thread For Boarders

[morethanpotatoprints]

Just thought I'd start a support thread for those either starting this september or established boarders happy to help those with many queries.

There are quite often individual threads for particular schools but it doesn't necessarily say whether boarding, day, private or state in the title. So I thought this would be a good way of getting us all together and also for those people from overseas looking for particular types of schools.

My dd is starting in sept and will weekly board, atm I am gathering uniform and other essential items and will begin the labelling process soon.
I do quite like this as sad as it seems, I find hand sewing very therapeutic and relaxing for some reason.

she wants knocking down a peg or two and I had to agree. She is getting above her station ...

Northern!

Don't even bother to disagree.

You will have ups and downs. These schools can be very competitive, the kids strive to all be the best, so there will be times she feels a bit rubbish because she's not done as well as someone else, and will come to you for a confidence boost. Then there will be the times (like now :D) when she's loving her school, feels great, feels a bit special and then you'll be rolling your eyes and putting them back in their place!

Is it a co-ed school your DD is going to?

Tony Little (headmaster of Eton) always says that Etonians learn more from the other boys than they do from the teachers. morethan, your DD will become angelic again.

At our school, wifi is turned off at 10pm, yr 9's phones and laptops are taken away at night.

I wouldn't bother about fairy lights - slippery slope to too much stuff imo!!

my 8 yr old was distraught when my eldest went off to boarding school, I agree with pp, keep them involved as much as possible and then distraction once sibling is at the school - you will also need the distraction too! Lots of treats.

Morethan - is your daughter nervous about the new school? This might be behind the new behavior. Worries that she won't make friends/not be able to keep up etc? I'd ignore it for now, tackle it if it still continues (which I doubt) during the Christmas holidays.

morethan it sounds like your dd is (quite rightly) proud of herself for having won a place at her new school. I'm sure that, once she starts there and finds that everyone else is equally talented she will calm down a bit.

Tony Little (headmaster of Eton) always says that Etonians learn more from the other boys than they do from the teachers.

This is absolutely right, in our experience. DS has learned fairly quickly that he is not quite as smart and wonderful as he thought he was, but he has also learned that some other boys are not as wonderful as they think they are either .

Indrid

That's a very good point. I love her to bits and wouldn't wish unhappiness on her but the sooner she realises she "ain't all that" the better for us all.
Grovel I really hope so, she used to be such a lovely caring girl.
Thank you Derek I hadn't considered this and should have really, she is very much the bravado type, but when it comes down to it not very confident in herself.
I will have a chat with her, good thinking
Lookout
Yes, it is co - ed, which is good I think as she does get on well with boys, she's not really girly.
On the trial she said while the girls were looking a magazines or painting their nails she was playing footy and having a water fight with the boys

morethan she might be working on her diva personality for her future stardom . Actually I think Derek is more likely to be right, the reality of it must seem closer to her as well and she must have all sorts of niggling worries about finding her feet and making friends. The advantage of boarding will be that she will make friends much faster.

Lookout I imagine your DCs' holidays are pretty lively when they are all together.

I'm pretty sure that my DS makes his own bed at school (only takes seconds as it is a duvet) although they do have cleaners.

I think they are all knocked down a peg at specialist schools.

They have often been a big fish in a small pond but now are n a school full of numerous other children just as talented & some more so, than they are.

It's tough.

Ah, what a lovely chat and thanks for the responses to possible reasons.
I have just taken her phone off her and said she has to earn it back.
Her bedroom really is worse than a 6 year old boys, a bit of mess I can stand, I know kids have to learn, but tonight was the last straw tbh.
I didn't shout but told her if she was going to act like a 6 year old, well, 6 year olds don't need phones
Apparently I'm so mean.
I am trying to help her to be ready for school and help her to be responsible, but she is fighting me all the way, so another shock coming, I think.

Zero

I was born in Cheshire moved away and came back up here to Lancs/ greater Manchester.

Lookout Pardon me! But I was going to ask if they are all biologically yours, but I see you've answered that already. Notwithstanding, I take my hat off to anyone in your shoes raising 10 children is no easy feat, sending them all off to Eton and the like is quite an amazing accomplishment.

Can I ask how old your youngest is?

Lookoutapiano you describe yourself as grounded, but this: "You can get an iphone for a £30 a month contract, could ask if he wants that to be taken off your monthly allowance to him, or half of it?"... um... I don't spend £30 a month on myself altogether, i.e. after food shopping and bills, and my DS is certainly not having an allowance when he goes to Eton that can cover a £30/month phone contract, or even half of it!

You say they all have iphones, but how would you know? Like me, DS has a cheap Android with a PAYG SIM, and tbh, once it's in a case I'd be astonished and horrified if peers are seriously aware of which model phone someone has (anyway, there are good technical reasons for a geek to want Android, and it was the one thing DS specified when we were choosing his phone). Don't you think this is just a case of some people using iphone as synonym for smartphone?

Lest you think we are some kind of outlier: we will not be in the poorest 20% at Eton, e.g., we earn too much for a bursary. Please remember there is a big, big gap between sending 10 children to boarding school and normal levels of income and expenditure!

Eton

We are poor, poor, and even more poor compared to Lookoutapiano and I certainly didn't take her comments the way you have.
I know plenty of parents with similar low incomes as us who spend £30 a month on their dc phone contract and buy them iphones.
From her other comments especially those about the dc having to do their own beds at home, which, besides making me chuckle demonstrated to me that she is grounded.
Tbh, I only have experience of state schools but what piano is talking about was my experience of dc at my older dcs schools many years ago.
My dd has £20 pocket money per month because we are paying out for several private music lessons. If this wasn't the case it would be £80 per month like her friends.

Oh, I didn't mean to suggest that Lookoutapiano was an unpleasant person, far from it - maybe my post sounds more snippy than I meant it to.

So far my DS has £1/week pocket money, and seldom spends that. I'm sure he will need some kind of increase when he goes to boarding school :-) Still, I strongly suspect that the impression that it's important for children to have particular material things is influenced by the ones who care about that stuff making more noise. I just asked DS whether children at his (boarding, socially not dissimilar to the likes of Eton) prep school talk about what phones they all have. Yes, he says, a lot - but he isn't interested, so he doesn't join in with those conversations. I bet there are lots of DC like that at all these schools, who are just fine without the latest gadget. It seems a pity if people who read this thread go away with the impression they should rule out these schools if they can't give their child the spending money to keep up with it, on top of the fees. And though I'm sure you can't stop a child from caring about it by telling them they shouldn't, if they don't, I think that's a good thing. No matter how much money you have, the difference between £5/month on PAYG and a £30/month contract is still £300/year, and if you spend it on the phone you can't spend it on something else.

I personally think most of have the latest iPhone at the very least an iPhone 5 or the equivalent and yes DS2's is on a contract costing about £30pcm he gets £60 pocket money a month he has to pay his phone contract out ofstead. Eton I'm not sure why you took Lonepiano's comment in the way you did (up until this thread has been miraculously devoid on any unpleasant comments). You state you're not eligible for a bursary but you're really stretching everyone credulity and insulting those who really can't even afford to put a meal on the table to state that you can't afford an extra £360 PA for a phone when your paying £35k+ PA in school school fees. Your termly extras will be more than £350.
I can only recount what my DS tells me happens in his school where thankfully there is little social snobbery: few are interested in what phone you have; the iPhone 6 or a cheap one, what watch you wear; a Philippe Patek or a Timex and whether you're wearing a Saville Row suit or an M and S suit and those that are are generally unpopular with all.
Your DD twill be fine more than.

Dd gets between £18-20 per month allowance. Most is paid into her bank account & we give her a little bit in cash.

She does have a contract phone paid for as well (HTC desire) which costs around £15 per month.

Something has clearly gone wrong with my communication today. I wasn't trying to be nasty, I didn't think Lonepiano was being nasty, and it seems at least two people have misread me so it's probably my fault, even if I don't quite understand why. I apologise.

Perhaps it's therefore a mistake to even try to go on, but wth, I can always namechange and go back to lurking...

...I haven't said I couldn't afford £360pa. Of course I could; but you say "an extra £360pa" - what do you mean by "extra"? If I spent £360pa on a phone contract for DS, I would (obviously) have to spend £360pa less on something else. I wouldn't identify a specific something else, we don't budget that closely - but this is just logically obvious for anyone who doesn't have more money than they can possibly spend, which is surely most of us, even most of boarding school parents. Habitually, DH and I don't spend money on things we don't care about, and we are so fortunate that the result of that is that we can spend money on things we do care about (and, for example, we have savings). "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves" is an old-fashioned saying, but it has an element of truth. Who hasn't on occasion looked at a supermarket receipt that came to far more than they expected and realised that there's nothing terribly expensive on it, but lots of nice little things costing £1.79?

Thinking about it, the reason this rubs me up the wrong way is because it reminds me of the way the anti-private-school brigade likes to assume that everyone who sends a child to private school must be "rich" and therefore it won't make any difference if you put up the fees by a few hundred a year, e.g., to pay for the schools having to share teachers with state schools.

Also related: the way we get threads on here from time to time by people with very high incomes who regret they can't afford day school, where it turns out they run expensive cars and go on fancy holidays and eat out frequently and and. That's fine, nothing wrong with that. Still, all these choices about how to spend money are related, in that if you spend a pound on one thing, you can't spend the same pound on something else.

I'd like my DS to grow up, not a miser, but aware of the choices that he has and resistant to spending money just to be like other people. That way, for example, he can choose a not very well paid career if that's what he wants, and still live comfortably. However much or little he has, he can choose to spend it in whatever way is best value. I'd hate it if part of the deal of going to boarding school was that he'd be forced to learn to throw money around like water just to fit in! Fortunately, I think we already have enough evidence that that's not really how it is.

I doubt we really disagree on any of this?

Incidentally I used to have a contract phone, but switched to PAYG recently because the economics have changed massively, at least for me. Part of it is that now that so many places (at least where I spend time) have free wifi (and e.g. with a 3 PAYG sim you can txt over wifi, and in principle make phone calls, though the quality of calls over wifi tends to be so poor that I don't do it). If you've had a contract for years because you assume it's cheaper, check out whether that's still true for you!

Eton

my sincerest apologies, it sounds like my communication skills are to blame, not yours.
I got the wrong end of the stick completely, so sorry.
this is a lovely thread and people have been so nice and supportive.
To be completely honest, I know where you are coming from and I started a thread when dd first was offered the place.
I was so worried whether our lack of income would be a barrier for her, not in terms of fees but the extras. I agree it would be wrong to allow people to think they had to have all the extras.

MDS schools are very different though in terms of the range of incomes. To a certain extent people tend not to be very poor (you need a certain level of income to be able to afford the dance/music lessons that got them there in the first place) but there are a lot of children there whose parents would never ever have contemplated boarding school.

In terms of extras the cost that a lot of parents on dance forums hadnt accounted for was travel costs for the numerous exeat weekends.

Possibly not such an issue for you as you are fairly close but many families have to travel hundreds of miles 4 times a term (often having to take Friday off work too)

balletgirl

I totally agree, we wouldn't have considered boarding school in general, this school just happened to offer boarding.
It is totally different for MDS students even between schools.
I can see that at your dd school the children's lessons will have been expensive and there would have been no alternative than a private dancing school whereas at dd school you can gain a place after having a weekly lesson in a state school if you show potential. Or you can have received private tuition.
Even within these schools there can be huge differences.
I know of 2 families where they are on full benefits and social housing. Their ds is a fantastic pianist and he has been given the same opportunity as the others, it's lovely to see.
However, where there are significant differences what is common to them all is our dc are all schooled away from home and all schools share similarities.

I'm not sure if we will meet at any concerts as dd won't of course be orchestra but Big band/ jazz orchestra and I know your dd school shares a concert with the orchestra.
Do let me know though, I might just pop over to see your dd.

In many state schools now you have to pay the going rate for instrumental lessons. Very sad. Gone are the days of paying a nominal amount.

There is a child I know of whose potential in dance was recognised at an outreach scheme in their school & They hadn't had any other formal lessons before that.

The Royal Ballet Chance to Dance scheme is very good in that respect. It's run in certain london primary schools for year 3 children. A bit like Wider Ops I think.

Thats amazing balletgirlmum An opportunity like this can really change lives.
I look at the alternatives for dd in our area and what our other 2 dc had and really the differences are staggering.
DD school has come in the top 100 schools for GCSE and A level this year.
The school we would have been offered is on a top 10 list for highest fsm and pp in the country.
Obviously we would have continued H.ed as the school isn't good at all, but if we couldn't she would have had to have attended this school.

As I said above each family establishes a line even if it is not by necessity for consumerism and sometimes that can be resented by the DC if they equate certain possessions to status. However that would be the case for all parental boundaries including curfews etc.
Just as those DCs with less spending money should n't be made to feel awkward neither should those with more spending power as long as they develop a social conscience about it. However there will always be some showing-off just as with adults.
IME although the manifestations of extreme wealth can provoke some comments of admiration from DCs, that seems very low on the list compared to other talents notably including a GSOH. Perhaps that is even more the case in schools selecting by academic or other talents.

Eton don't worry about all this stuff. IME prep school is much worse for all this crap. Once they move up, and the parents aren't around all the time, I don't think any of the boys actually give a damn about it at all. The recommended weekly allowance for F blockers is £5, and although I'm sure some of them get more than that, none of them really have much opportunity to spend it other than take away pizza once a week and the odd trip to Tudors anyway.

As for phones, DS never even uses his now. Everyone uses Facebook messenger-which is free (yippee)! Last year he had DHs ancient work phone, an incredibly obscure HP Palm, and it was a source of endless fascination for the other boys because it was unusual.