Helping DS accept he won't be doing 11+ & peer pressure

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

We moved to the area full of expectation that DS would go to grammar school but as time goes on it's increasingly likely he won't sit the 11+. We're fine with that and think DS will be ok once we look around the state school option(s?) but, he is in a class of very bright boys and all his good friends will be doing the 11+ with most already having sort form of tutoring . Granted not all may get in but the majority probably will and this will of course mean going their separate ways. Again, I don't think his is a massive problem & I'm sure he'll cope with that however there is already talk in the classroom of the rubbish state school, how grammar is the only option unless you're really thick, the amazing sports facilities at grammar etc.

The state school option was a pretty awful choice a few years but is now an over-subscribed academy and doing increasingly better with amazing facilities/building. There is definitely still a stigma attached especially from parents who grew up in the area and that is definitely being passed on to the kids. So not perfect but our only option unless we suddenly take up religion in a big way which isn't going to happen!

I would like DS to feel confident in his/our choice without constant questions about why X friends as got a tutor and why he can't go to grammar school and not feel belittled or downhearted about his next stage in life.

For clarity, you do mean a state grammar school?

(It's not totally clear from your OP as you refer to the "state school option" as an alternative.)

I would focus on what he is good at. and speak very positively about how X school would be the best in terms of fit. Very important to be upbeat.

Yes sorry we're in kent so 11+ pass would give a state grammar place but if he doesn't pass/sit the 11+ we apply for non-selective state school /comprehensive.

Given that you're confident he'll be fine once the move is made it's just now you have to deal with?

I'd be inclined to introduce him to a highly absorbing new extra curricular activity. New people to dilute the effects of any in-school awkwardness and a new skill to provide a timely reason for him to feel proud of himself. Would that be possible?

(Just how sure are you though? The unlikeliest people can sometimes pass I've heard.)

Is it your choice or his choice? Does he know what he wants to do/go for? Whichever school he goes to, if he's unhappy you don't want him blaming you?

My DCs were both clear they wanted to go to the local comp with most of thier primary mates (we have grammars in the county, but not one in our town) they were aware of the options. Much later start in the mornings as well which certainly swayed it fir one of them! - DH and I were relieved they chose that because of our politics, but really it was up to them; they knew clearly what they wanted to do.

Sadly because of the grammar schoolsystem DC1 probably didn't do as well in GCSE's as he could have at a grammar, but he is doing well enough in 6th form, more than holding his own with kids who came in from grammar

It's not just a question of passing though,ZeroFun, it's about choosing schooling that is right for your child. Who wants a child at a school for 6+ years where they are struggling and a fish out of water?

OP - I'm in Kent too and empathise. We have the same situation with my DD and it's very tough I think that no matter how you position it positively as a parent - the peer group comments are not something you can moderate.

With my DD we haven't yet made a definitive decision about her taking the test, but to my mind I'm not sure of the value when even if she did pass I don't think the end result would be right for her. So we are currently pondering the whole thing of if she wants to take it, should we let her, as if we don't will she blame us in years to come that she didnt have the opportunity? Should we go through the whole building her up, prep for the test for a likely fail?

We are taking her to visit the academy and the grammar this Autumn and we will decide after that. We plan to focus heavily on the plus points of the academy, and also really big up her music. I think nearly all her friends are taking the test, so that is where the pressure comes from.

I had a similar situation with ds. He was in a class with some very bright boys who were sitting for superselective grammars, but he was an average performer. We always intended for him to go to a co-ed secondary school, so we weren't particularly bothered in applying for grammar schools. However in year 5 he came to us and asked if he could have a tutor and sit the grammar tests. He found that his peers were doing a lot better than him (due to having tutoring) and he was slipping down the class, and that the children who weren't sitting the grammars were being viewed (by the rest of the class) as being too thick to do so. We did start preparing him, and the difference in terms of his friendships with his peers and his own self-confidence was very noticeable. All children grow up in year 5 and 6, but he really did make significant strides. He did in fact secure a superselective place which we didn't take up, and he is very happy at the school we have originally selected for him, and started year 7 very secure in his maths and English.

So based on our experience I think that it might be worth breaking down the 3 different areas here:

• His immediate school peers are being tutored for 11+ tests. This will probably be having an effect on their progress at school, and ds may be seeing his results slip relatively.
• You haven't explicitly said why he won't sit the test. I suspect that he will feel that you lack confidence in him, especially if he is watching some children who work at a lower level to him being prepared for the tests. He will know plenty of children who won't pass the 11+ in the end, but he isn't being given the option either way.
• As parents you do need to pick the school that you think will suit him best. You may need to continue to spell out the impact that the better facilities of the high school will mean to him.

We obviously took a different tack from you. Ds did more maths and English in year 5 than he might have strictly needed to, but, having quizzed him on it a number of times (sign of parental guilt at getting him to practise in holidays!) he has absolutely no regrets about it. Nor does he regret not going to the grammar in the end.

Thats a really helpful post Ladymuck.

I quite agree with Ladymuck, even OP's child is not doing the 11+, you can get some practice books to let him practice. It is a good chance to consolidate all he has learnt so far. With his friends are all working hard, he may pick up this , and would like to word hard as well. Then he will have a good start for year 7, with solid foundation and a good learning atitude.

Just to add...I would answer his questions honestly, and I would also see this as an opportunity to talk about how cool it is to make your own path rather than follow others (using neutral language if possible) and about how some people find this threatening and tend to react by making themselves right and others wrong. I'd do all I could to help him make his own opinions.

This being a rather pertinent topic in the teen years

Have you taken him to see the Academy? You can attend Open Days before you reach Yr 6 - he might be inspired by the amazing new facilities.