School putting pressure on 13yr old to stay.

[miggy]

Have posted before about my son having problems settling into his new school which he started this yr in yr9. Last week we went to look at another school and he went in there for the day. After a weekend where we thought all our heads would explode from trying to make a decision, including a saturday morning visit to current headmaster to explain the situation, we decided yesterday that moving was the right thing to do. Yesterday I emailed new school to confirm place and emailed current school with long email detailing why and explaining what a hard decision it had been for all of us, today DH took in letter of withdrawal. Have just got an email from my son
"Talked to Mr.Headmaster today on the way out of chapel. Are you sure about this, F.? He says I should stay for the rest of the term, and thinks its a bad idea to leave at this Stage of The Game.
Then I talked to Mr.Housemaster who says its a bad idea to leave at this Stage of The Game"

Do they not think we have agonised over this already. Its not a snap decision as well they know. DS was much happier yesterday once we had made the decision. Am furious that they aqre putting pressure on him.
Do they expect him to tear up the withdrawal letter we have written!

Seems out of order to speak to your son by himself about it. Surely if they had a problem with it, or thought there was something they could to do ease the problems (sorry don't know what they are) they should have phoned/emailed you to speak to you about it. Or to arrange a meeting with you and your son.

I don't think what they have done is a good way to go about it and if I was in that position I would be annoyed.

Were the school aware beforehand that you were considering moving him?

I can really understand how you must feel about this, but I'm sure it's just a case of the HM feeling that they have failed your son in some way and trying hard to make amends by letting him know that they'd like him to stay.

Or maybe they just don't want to lose the fees?!

Either way - I'm sure you can smooth things over with your son by saying isn't it nice that they clearly don't want him to leave.

It makes me wonder at what 'stage of the game' the HM would think it was ok to leave - never in my opinion!

Changing schools isn't always easy but it's not for the HM to try to exert undue influence on your son. I hope he settles in well at his new school

School werent aware that we were thinking of moving until I spoke to them last Thursday and we all went in on Saturday morning to chat with headmaster. But we had been in discussions with housemaster almost since the start of term as DS has been unhappy and hated boarding even a few nights a week.
They did offer a move to a different house where his friend is, and DS had decided to go for that but we spoke to his friends mother on Sunday and his friend is alomost certainly leaving at the end of this term!
They dont want to lose him because he got the top academic scholarship and is going to a rival school higher up in the league tables so inter school politics are at work.
Dont care what they say to us (and have heard nothing from them today) but not happy with them cornering DS at school

That certainly explains why they don't want to lose him!

Of course I don't know you or your son and you have agonised over this decision already, but here's how it seems just looking at the bare facts...

It does sound as though your son isn't confident about his decision. I hope it won't be a case of 'Out of the frying pan, into the fire.' What makes you feel that your son will be happier at a 3rd school? If he started this year it's very early days, isn't it? He's only been at the school 6 weeks, presumably?

Does he have friends at the other school?

Your son's HM will have vast experience of children who are slow to settle. Although his approach may seem inappropriate, he is probably concerned that your son will be just as unhappy elsewhere and will have the added problem that he will then see himself as someone who can't fit in.

Best to stick with what you've decided although end of term would have been better and also would have meant fewer double lots of fees to pay, if it's a fee paying school.

Thanks Fortyplus, its nice to have another perspective.
Its not a 3rd school as such, previous school ended at end of yr8 and he had been there from reception. Intake at present school is yr9 so everyone was new this year.
He is very academic and very interested in academic stuff, science/history/maths etc. There doesnt seem to be anyone else "like him" here. Plus it is much sportier than we were led to believe. 6hrs a week Rugby plus saturday matches for EVERYONE. I have wangled him out of rugby and he now does Squash but is the only boy in his year doing so , so again isolating for him.
He has had a really hard time fitting in at boarding because he hates to break rules and there is a lot of bad behaviour which he refuses to join in with.
I truely dont know if we are making the right decision. We have been pressured into it as Chosen school has 4 potential students for 3 spaces so pushed us for a decision this week end, which we probably were not ready to make. On the other hand almost better to make the decision now and get the agony over and move on, rather than having it hanging over us.

Xenia-I would have chosen end of term but new school said sooner the better as attitudes by staff at present school would change.
Also DS slightly worried as new school teaches Mandarin Chinese as a language, so he has already missed half a term of that-and I dont think I can be much help in helping him catch up with that!

Sounds as though he's been under a lot of pressure. It's a tough time for any child - not least because the hormones are really starting to kick in, aren't they?
I can sympathise with not wanting to join in with the bad behaviour - my ds1 is just like that - in fact to use his words 'I just can't understand why some boys are such prats, mummy!'