State grammar v private secondary - advice appreciated

[Lostintranslation]

Ok firstly an apology if I offend with my question. I appreciate that many people would love to be in my position - believe me when I say that to get where we are has been a long hard slog.

Right, now for the meat. I have a dd who is in Year 5 and, according to her teachers, stands a good chance of not only passing her 11+ but also getting the marks for a 'super selective' grammar school (TOGS in w Kent).

Great? For normal people yes! But.... I have 2 major concerns about TOGS. One is that dd is showing signs of dyslexia. She's high functioning no her academic ability makes up for it. But her dad is the same and says that the older she gets the more she will struggle. I'm worried that a super selective grammar like TOGS won't give her the support she needs, and she'll just drift further and further down the class, becoming ever more disenfranchised with school, with each year that passes. Does anyone have dyslexic girls at grammar - esp TOGS? What are your experiences?

Secondly, I went to an all girls grammar and hated it. True, I had 'issues' (lol) but bullying was endemic and the lack of pastoral care frightening. Again, whilst schools are very different to 30 years ago I've heard reports that TOGS is pretty uncompromising and not exactly a nurturing place. Rumours of girls self harming are rife and this worries me hugely. Dd is pretty robust, but couple this with the dyslexia issue and I am pretty sure this isn't the school for her. But if you have TOGS girls am I fretting unduly and perhaps being coloured by my own bad experiences?

So our alternative is private. But we can't afford the top priced local schools. So we're looking at Lingfield Notre Dame. Again, if anyone has a v bright child at LND - with or without dyslexia - I'd love to hear your experiences. Will it give dd enough of a challenge - and if she needs a gentle shove now again to get her motivated (bright diligent!) will it do that too?

Thanks all!

This is very secondhand and possibly not much use to you, but my DD's close friend, who is very bright, passed the 11+ in Kent and was offered a place at TOGS. But when they looked round, her parents were unimpressed and decided to send her to TWGGS instead - I think because they felt TOGS was very pushy, rather old-fashioned and not massively welcoming. (The dad is a head teacher so is good at sussing out what schools are like.)

I realise this doesn't help much as TWGGS is also single-sex, and actually I haven't been in touch with them recently - I had the impression it was turning out well but can't give more detail than that.

I wouldn't worry too much about your own experience in a single-sex school - mixed schools can also be pressured and full of bullies. It's all down to the attitude of the SMT.

I don't live locally so don't know about the private school. But I guess if the grammar didn't work out, you could transfer her.

I have a daughter at Tgs and your description is not one I recognise . She is now in yr10 and I can not sing the schools praises highly enough. Yes it is very accademic but also amazingly nurturing . She is not dyslexic but has friends who are who are in the top sets too - certainly not slipping down the classes . The opportunities she had been offered have been great for helping her excell in her favoured subjects. When there has been problems the pastural care had been spot on in helping her sort things out. Just asked her if bullying is a problem and she said no not at all . She may , of course , be in a bubble and oblivious to things going on around her ! All I can add is that she and all her freinds are happy, confident girls who are having the school life I wish I had had

I recently had a chat with a mum I know who has 3 children, all of whom went through or are going through LND and two of whom are dyslexic. She was extremely happy with the school and the support all her children had received and/or were receiving, all with different personalities and abilities. So I think it would definitely be a school worth looking at for a very able but mildly dyslexic child, if you are worried about the grammar school options. It certainly doesn't give the impression of being a school that lets bright children coast!

Oh wow - thank you ladies! Three different but incredibly useful POVs - glad I asked.

Hackmum - funnily enough, TWGGS had become our preferred grammar option - but dd would need a Governor's place. But mark similar to TOGS entry so it would (if we were lucky enough) be an 'either or'. Deffo food for more thought!

Fatbottomgirl - your post was very reassuring. I don't want dd to go somewhere because of some sort of 'prestige' - it needs to be right for her. Weirdly, the academic bit worries me less than the pastoral side - and your comment about your dd and her friends being 'happy confident girls' says it all :). My school certainly didn't leave me in that state - i don't want my dd to have that experience when so far her education has been a +ve thing.

Educprof - your reports re LND are great. The reviews are mixed - mostly resulting from the change in head. Maybe it should be our 'contingency' if she doesn't make TOGS? The only other grammar option for dd will be the new Weald of Kent annexe in Sevenoaks and I just get the feeling it's not going to be smooth running for the first couple of years.

Ladies - you've been great and I'm touched you took time out of your day to reply - much appreciated :)

What about WoK itself?

More replies - thank you!

Stationery - we're too far away on the Kent side of the Kent/Surrey/Sussex border. Closer to S'oaks than Tonbridge- been told that if the annexe goes ahead that's what we'll be offered based on the 'distance from school' criteria. Not sure many people yet realise the implications of the WOK annexe - if you live closer to that you won't get into the main school if you don't have a child there already (sibling rule superceded).

Tough as ??. I work in a school and although moves seem to be more commonplace than when I were a lass it's a hard decision. You're in exactly the position I could see us being in so easily. To be fair, dd is pretty laid back but having relocated and changed schools part way through once, I'd like her to get some kind of continuity. I wish your dd happiness in her new school.

Ah OK I see. I'd be amazed if they are ready to with the annexe within 3 years, the talks seem to have been going on for decades and there is always a problem.

If you are on the Surrey/Sussex border, are you out of catchment for any of those county's comprehensive all ability schools? From everything I read about on here, it seems that true comps are better set up for pupils with dyslexia?

The only people I know that considered LND are those whose children were borderline for an 11+ pass. Of course that's not to say it doesn't cater for the highly able.

I really empathise - living in Kent is very hard if you have a child that isn't a natural fit for the catchment grammar or high school.

Out of interest op, and don't answer this if it's awkward, but I've often wondered what effect if any the grammars in Kent have on the comprehensives nearby in Surrey and Sussex if any? Are they less all ability than those the other side of the counties?

SO - closest would be Oxted.....so near but yet so far. Considering it has 2000 pupils the catchment area is tiny.

Tough as - nowt wrong with a bit of ASD... Get her into IT for a career!

I can't comment on the dyslexia side of things but I have a DD at TGS and also can't sing the school's praises highly enough. Yes, they set very high academic standards but they take great care of the girls and the pastoral care and focus on their well-being as well as their achievements is very strong indeed. My daughter has a wide and varied circle of happy, confident, supportive friends and whilst I am sure any school with so many teenage girls has the odd issue, my take is that its a very well balanced, caring environment. I couldn't be happier with the way my daughter is being encouraged to develop into a thoughtful, responsible, independent, young adult. Having said that, we know DD's at TWGGS, and WoK too - all of whom are happy and thriving.