Switching primary schools and bullying at the new school...

[grumpyzebra]

Sorry this is so long....
First a bit of history:
When I was a child my parents changed my primary school and then moved house into the school's catchment a year a later. I had good friends on our road in old neighbourhoood, and did ok socially at old school. At new school I was badly bullied, it's traumatised me for life, really. And made very few friends, ever, in the new neighbourhood (relatively affluent, my new school supposed to be one of the best in the city...ha!).

Now, present day:
We are thinking to move to a small rural market town and stay for 6-7 years, then moving back into the city. Could be fewer or more years, depending on how happy we are with the schools in the market town and how much our kids want services only on offer in the city (we absolutely do not want to be in position of playing chaffeurs all the time).

But, because of my own experiences, I am VERY apprehensive. Do you think I'm overly worried about how well children take changing schools and moving towns? My experiences were never recognised as bullying at all -- so maybe my awareness will prevent my children having the same types of problems ... but still I feel almost phobic about the danger that moving primary schools will lead to the 'new' kid(s) being ostracised and picked on. I'd rather stay in our too-small rented house forever, in easy reach of many schools so one of them ought to be ok, then run a significant risk of any of my children going through what I did.

Can anyone report positive experiences of moving primary schools/towns without it being awful for your kids, or do you think my fears are well-founded?

Should maybe explain -- trying to stay in the city will make things much much tighter, financially for us, in the short and possibly long run, too. If we move to the rural town, there will be more childcare options, I'll have the option to quit work, retrain for new career or just stay at home, we'll have much more money for buying the kids things, and a bigger, nicer house to live in.

How old are your children gz?

I suspect it depends on the school. I moved school at 9 and then again at 16 (bit different!) In both cases the move was fine- no bullying at all.

My cousin recently had to move schools a lot - as her parents moved round the world. She was sent to a school in the UK and had a terrible time- bad enough for her parents to take her out of school. The next term she started at a new school (and she was terrified- she was living with my parents at the time) and she came home on the first amazed at how lovely everyone had been and how welcoming. She settled in really well and transformed into a confident and happy girl.

In your shoes I would move to the market town and play it by ear. If you do decide to move back (and you may not- I used to travel from the city to go out with my friends in the small market town every weekend!) then you can watch out then. I suspect the risk of bulluying at the end of the day will depend on the school or even the particulalar year group.

Sammac: My eldest is only 4yo, I 'm not worried about when he starts school this autumn (we'll move before then), and if we move back to city when he's about to start secondary, won't be such a wrench for him, either, because everyone else in his year will be starting at a new school. But for my younger children, who might be... say 10 & 7? when we move back to city--how vulnerable will they be? Or what if we decide the local primary in market town isn't good enough, or I just hate life in such a small place, and we move back to city when the children are younger? Any way the move happens, they'll have to deal with having no friends nearby for a while (at least). Is it a recipe for disaster?

I know it shouldn't be such a big deal, I'm over-reacting because of my own personal history, but... can't help it. Everyone has got their paranoia point where their kids are concerned and bullying is mine. DH moved schools when he was little and soon became one of the most popular kids in the new school!, but that's just too far away from my experience for me to imagine.

I would say that the benefits of your move would outweigh any problems you might have. The thing with children is- they are not you! It took me years to work this one out. I had problems in school that I expected my kids to have & they haven't happened. On the other hand, things have come up that I didn't expect. It's all part of the guilt-trip that is motherhood.

If the move will be better for you as a family, with all the benefits you outline such as you not having to work, then I would go for it. If the children have problems at school you can deal with them if/when they happen.

My DD spent her primary years at one school, moved to where she knew no-one for secondary then moved again for 6th form. DS1 went to one primary & one secondary. DS2 & DS3 both changed schools in Y3 & knew no-one, then started secondary where they knew no-one. They've all coped with it just fine. On the other hand I feel I'm still suffering from the fact that my own small Grammar school went Comprehensive when I was 12. That is my own cross.

I don't think there is any way we can 100% know which is the best option, but we can do our best to prepare children for a change and we can try to offset any possible adverse effects. We've moved quite often, with all of our children changing school at some point, without any problems. (Apart from dd1 moving abroad at 15, which didn't go well, but I think her set of circs was pretty unique).

I also think that in this day and age the general population is much more mobile. Children today are used to new pupils starting (and leaving!) school, it's a normal part of school life. When I was at school it really was an event when a new child arrived, whereas children come and go constantly at my chidlren's schools. HTH.

hi Zebra, i moved school 8 times in the primary years and can honestly say I never had problems because I was "new". The one episode of bullying that i remember was because I was clever (in a weird, noticeable way) and the girl I displaces from "top of the class" was none too happy.

more recently my bro is about to move to his 5th primary school in 12 months. The only hiccup has been at the school he is presently at, not bullying at all but as this school has a much more mixed catchment he's been in trouble for play-fighting, swearing in the playground which has never been a problem before. He is 9 today and has admitted that along with the horrible new accent, he's done it all to fit in. When he settled the behaviour stopped and there have been no probs since. Mum is not anticipating any probs when he moves to his new school in their home area next week and he's not bothered at all.

TBH I think you are probably letting your own experiences colour your views a little too much. Kids can be bullied for any number of reasons, many of which are impossible to second-guess. I know I am paranoid about DD being upset by things that caused me trauma when i was little and am amazed by her reaction at times. As you only seem to be proposing one big move i'm sure they'll take it in their stride (if and when it happens). For the moment the benefits to your family of living in the market town sound enormous.

I think that more and more children don't stay at same school for 7 years (primary)and therefore other kids just accept it . My 2 dd started new school in september and although we moved house they could still have gone to old school.the youngest who is now 7 (y2) never looked back and doesn't keep in touch with any old friends. Other dd 8 (y4) did find it harder and we use to find notes from her on our bed saying she wanted to go back to her old school. We helped her by inviting new friends for tea etc and she had party invitations within weeks. Now she loves it and has made some lovely friends and only keeps in touch with 1 specal friend.Schools are more aware of bullying anyway now .I think if you can make it a positive experience nd an adventure and family life is good then things will be fine. I was always anxious about dh changing jobs and having to move away but as everyone told me kids adapt.