Am I wrong?

[NotEnoughTime]

Just wondered what you all thought?

My eldest boy is in year 8. He seems very happy at school and is a member of 3 or 4 school clubs (both lunch time and after school). He also participates in 2 outside clubs.

The problem is this-if you could call it a problem

He generally gets good marks at school (ie probably would be the equivalent of a B or B+) which very little effort. I'm sure with a lot more effort he could probably turn his marks into an A or even an A* but I'm not sure that I want him to. I would say he does @ 1 hour of homework most evenings and maybe two or three hours at the weekend.

I'm so pleased that he enjoys school and also that he has a good extra curricular life but I feel like Iam letting him down by not "pushing" him and I don't want to regret this in years to come (or worse HE regrets it and is resentful that I didn't support/push him enough) not sure if that makes sense?

FWIW, he goes to a Grammar school where most of his friend's parents are the opposite of me and are very much into encouraging making their boys do lots of extra study, tuition etc. Maybe this is what makes me feel like I (and he) are not doing enough.

I just don't want to get a few years down the line (ie GCSE and A level time) and his grades not be good enough for him to access a good uni (if that's what he wants) as I think it is helpful to have as many options as possible.

I feel very let down by my own parent's with regards to education (and everything else but that's a whole other thread!) and I'm terrified of making the same mistakes.

Don't know what I'm asking really

Any views welcome, thank you if you have managed to make any sense of my ramblings

Do the school say how long he should be spending on his homework. Does he spend the full amount of time?
Have the school commented that they feel he isn't fulfilling his potential?
Is he happy with what he produces, or does he feel he could be doing better?
Are there any particular subjects that you are particularly concerned about?

By Y8 children need to be self motivated. Your son is doing fine and has a good balance of academic and extra curricular - I can't see any value in adding in the additional stress of trying to push him to do more.

"By Y8 children need to be self motivated."

Indeed. Please could you tell me how to make my daughter self motivated. She is in year 10 and only does her homework if I remind her umpteen times.

I struggle with this.

I think back to when I was at school and uni (and even now at work). I found things easy. I never had to work really hard to be at the top of the class (but it wasn't a very good school so a lar bar to measure on there). I got ok GCSEs and A Levels (brilliant for my school though) and have always wondered if I'd worked harder - or been made to work harder -would I have achieved more.

Now I know myself better, I think the honest answer is no. I think I worked at what my maximum capacity was IYSWIM? Although I found things easy, I am pretty much incapable of knuckling down. I try, and somehow all that happens is I spend longer doing the same quality of work. I'm doing a course for work now which is self directed study and it is HORRENDOUS. People can't believe I am struggling because I perform well at work.

In hindisght, I think my mix of good-ish grades and a thriving social life has helped me more in the long run than excellent grades and limited social life (I know it doesn't have to be either or).

It's difficult though - who REALLY wants to say to their children "it's ok, you just coast, it'll all be ok". You can't can you? But should we? Hmmmm off to chin stroke a little more.

Thanks everyone-really appreciate the answers so far.

His school do not say how long he should study for. I have never heard that he hasn't done his homework (which is why I trust him to get on with it without me breathing down his neck) so hopefully that side of things is ok.

Perhaps the area I live in has skewed my way of thinking. I just feel so uninvolved (for want of a better word) compared to everyone else in my social circle and it certainly isn't because I can't be bothered. Also, unlike some people we don't have any money that he can fall back on to tide him over when he leaves school or any connections to get a "foot in the door" so he is on his own when it comes to getting a job, flat etc (to be honest we will have to sell our house to put him and his brother through uni if they want to go) I feel that he only has one chance so he has to get it right IYSWIM.

I'm terrified of mucking things up for him

It sounds as though he is already doing a fair amount of work. I think the important skill to pick up at this stage is to take note of advice, comments and use them to improve just as in sport and music. It might be worth asking him / looking at a few comments of previous work and ask him how he has used them to produce better work next time.

NotEnoughTime. Why on earth would you need to sell your house to put him through Uni??? Have you never heard of loans? Nearly everyone else has them. We could well afford to pay our DDs' fees but remember, the student may never pay back the full loan. You are MAD to sell a house and pay up front. You should save for a flat deposit for him if you really need to do something.

I would worry about potential B grades because this may make A levels more difficult and I do think 1 hour a night is very low for a grammar school. Mine were doing 1.5 hours a night in year 8. Can the teachers not tell you if he needs to put more effort in? I think coasting is a bit of a problem in some ways. DD got 9 As at GCSE but coasted. A levels were a much greater challenge. There lies the problem. They are an even greater challenge for a B grade student. I would up the expectation a bit but definitely consult his teachers on how he could improve. Did you think he was A material or did you think,( and are therefore happy with), that he was B grade anyway?

"1 hour of homework most evenings and maybe two or three hours at the weekend."

I wouldn't call that "very little effort" unless most of it is actually spent surfing the internet or watching TV. How does the school grade - is that B his expected GCSE grade, or is it an internal grade? If it's a very academic school he could be average there and still working at GCSE A* level.

Like someone else said, no need to sell anything to put a child through uni - they can all have loans, and if you're not very well off he'll get grants too.

Thanks again everyone.

My son will be taking out a loan for his uni fees however as I understand from friends who have children at uni it is the rent they pay for their accommodation that is crippling. There is NO WAY we would be able to pay our mortgage and pay two lots of accomodation fees so what I meant is that we would have to sell our current home and downsize to a cupboard so that we would be mortgage free.

It's difficult for me to explain-it's just a feeling that I'm not doing the best for him and I hate the thought of him thinking in the future (esp if he is doing a crap job that he hates) that I should have pushed him more.

Worry about uni finance later. Address his B grades now. Lots of top uni places want high grades. 3 Bs won't cut it. If you think he can do better then you should be helping him get there . Talk to his teachers. You don't want to make his life a misery but there may be little ways to get him that bit further.

A grammer school child should be expected to get into a good university - finances will sort themselves out, most children are not financially supported by thier parents in a significant way.
Push him, it is only a few years and then he can make his own choices at 18.
I went off the rails a bit but was pushed to get good A levels by school and parents. did not go straight to uni but bummed around for a few years until going at 25 - now have a great professional job.
would have been much harder/impossible without the decent grades from school

I think it does depend on what a "B" looks like though. Don't forget, if he's t a grammar school, then they are only looking at a very narrow band of the ability range, so what they mark as a 'B', may well easily be considered an 'A' in another school's marking scheme.

What was his report like?
What did they say on Parents Evening?
Does he have targets set on a review day?

Personally, I'm quite like you - fairly laid back. I don't think you are doing your dc favours long term if you are forcing their noses into books all the time. Life's about balance.

My boy was cruising B grades with zero, nada, no work at all. The problem was, he never learned how to work, how to revise, how to motivate himself for hours on end. And yes, I tried everything to get him to work, but he just wouldn't.

He got As and Bs for GCSE, rubbish A levels, then amazingly scraped into decent Russell Group Uni via a foundation year.

On the plus side, now he has grown up a bit, he is doing lots of work, (currently on a very decent 2ii) and seems to have avoided being burnt out/fed up of studying. Obviously I worry that his crappy A levels will come back to haunt him when he hits the job market, but for now things are working out ok.

Thanks everyone, it has really helped hearing the different opinions

That's a good idea Coolas-I will try that, thank you.