I have a dilemma regards to asking for my son to have a week off school before half term. He is 9, and in Year 5.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Some background.

My mum is in a carehome because of her advanced Levy Body Dementia. She is 78. My dad is 87, he is disabled (semi paralyzed) after a stroke 12 years ago and lives at home. He has nurses coming 3 times per day, the wrap around care is good. He is managing pretty well.

In June, mums GP called to tell me she has advanced cervical cancer and has weeks, possibly months to live. I told HT about this and we agreed that if she was deteriorating rapidly it would be fine to take ds out of school and go up there early, or stay longer if it affected the end of the summer holidays. I did not rush, ds stayed on for regular summer holidays so no time was taken off.

Meanwhile, mum has been to the hospital for extensive tests. The diagnosis is better, her cancer has not spread, and they think that a full hysterectomy and removal of her reproductive organs will suffice. At her age, it is the best option, despite the risks of operating on a woman in my mums condition. She has severe bleeding, pain, and toileting takes a couple of hours as the tumours are pressing against her intestines, etc.

The doctors say that the op will be at some point in October.

It is going to be extremely traumatic for mum, and scary for my dad. Mum wont understand what is going on, so I think keeping her calm pre and post of will be difficult. She is not managing very well outside the environment in her carehome. When she went for tests she kept ripping her drips out, and trying to climb out of bed. She was in a gynecological ward, rather than a geriatric ward.

I feel I should be there. My sister is currently there, but I dont think it is fair of me to let her handle this on her own. My mum will need the reassurance from family at her bedside.

This is not a question of me taking my son out of school because it is a last chance to say good bye to gran, although it could be, we just dont know what will happen during and post op.

The situation is that I have to go up there next week for a week on campus, as I study for a long distance MBA in my home town. My sons will be with my dh, and he will rearrange his work around the school run. He usually finishes work at 6 pm, but will have to leave at 3 while I am away. He is reasonably new in his job but also reasonably high up on the management team. DS1 (12 years old, in Y8 of secondary) starts half term on (and including) Friday 17th October, until Monday 27th. Ds2s half term starts Saturday 25th and he has to be back in school Monday 3rd November.

There is no way dh can handle a week of ds1 and ds2s regular routine in school and with early pickups of ds2, followed by ds1 on half term at home, and ds2 still in school, followed by BOTH of them on half term.

My thought is that I go up as planned on Monday 13th. DH brings both children to Gatwick and put them on a direct flight to my town on Friday 17th. It is ds1s half term, and ds2 have a week off. We either all return on Monday 27th, or I send ds1 back and stay with ds2 until the end of half term.

I just dont know what is best.

Sorry, this was rather Epic.

I think that sounds perfect. Do you have to decide about sending back now or can you book all flights with an open return?

I would ask the school but take him anyway, if you really have no other way of managing the situation. Sometimes events just happen that are out of our control and we need flexibility. I just wondered if your DH's parents could help out? Or a friend keep the children after school until your DH gets home? People often will help in a crisis if they are asked.

Open returns are astronomical, so not feasible.

We have no family that can help out here. We also have few local friends. Ds2 can go for play dates on some of the days, and there is another mum who can take ds1 to school with her, if necessary as her dd is in ds2s class. We dont have a big network of nannies, babysitters and sahms that can help out in an emergency. We have dhs elderly aunt, but she is not very reliable. She has a history of not showing up and not letting us know she wont be able to make it until after the event.

Sorry, all that should be about ds2, as ds1 walks to his school and is in secondary so much more self reliant than his brother.

Sorry to hear about your mum. It all sounds so difficult.

IIWY I would do as you have planned. (My dd's school policy gives them scope to authorise an absence on compassionate grounds.) If the school don't give permission for the absence, take him anyway.

Just be prepared, if they don't give permission, for the school to follow their procedures. You may receive form letters or be contacted by the Education Welfare Officer.

I wouldn't have any qualms taking my DC out of school in dififcult circumstances such as your own, however I'm slightly puzzled (possibly missing something) as to how it helps you to have the DC about if you are are spending the time either studying or supporting your parents (both of which will be difficult with the DC about).

I think I would be looking to book them in holiday clubs/after school clubs (for the youngest) and maybe asking the odd favour from a school friend? Can DH take parental leave?

I'd be looking for an after school club, or does he have a friend who goes to a childminder who might be prepared to take him as well just for a couple of weeks from 3-6? He's nine so is not a big problem for staffing ratios.

I wouldn't be taking him out of school for a week for this - not because granny isn't important, but because it's sadly likely to arise multiple times in the relatively near future.

I don't understand when they are both on half term? 25th-27th is a weekend, they wouldn't be in school anyway.

There is no after school club, other than the one he is going to twice a week, on a Monday and a Thursday, which means he can be picked up at 4.30. There is no ad hoc provision. I dont know anybody who uses a childminder or nanny. There is nothing extra. No other family to ask.

It will mean dh leaving work early every day the first week I am away, and then having ds2 home for his half term while ds2 goes to school, and then ds1 going back to school while ds2 has half term, the week after. So, for him first one week of both kids in school, then one week of the oldest child being off school while the youngest still has school, and then our youngest has half term while the older is back in school. 2 weeks of half term in total.

At the moment dh works full time from 9 to 6 in his new work. He is still on probation. But he also work from home with our business, so usually from 8 pm till midnight. Things are not great at the moment. He is under enormous pressure.

I have found no half term camp the kids are remotely interested in, and it would still mean that we pay several hundred pounds for each of the kids to do something they dont want, and dh leaving work early for 3 weeks. The only things nearby is rugby and watersports, like rowing and canoeing, costing a fortune.

Out of two evils, having them with me in Norway is the lesser of the two and it seems much less complicated. They have family and friends to see. Can spend the day with my dad, or my sister, when I am at the hospital.

I'm startled to the point of disbelief that there is nobody in your DS2's class with two working parents and after school childcare - I've never stood outside a primary school class without at least three childminders being there to pick up. Ask the teacher or another parent who the childminders are, if you don't know them personally or if by some fluke this year they're all picking up from other classes.

It sounds as if you have decided to take him out of school, and I can understand that. In your situation I would still be putting effort into finding something that will work in the future for looking after him for a couple of hours, because sadly you're likely to be in this position again.

This is not a question of me taking my son out of school because it is a last chance to say good bye to gran, although it could be, we just dont know what will happen during and post op.

I would take them out of school on the basis that it might be their last chance to say goodbye. As you say, you don't know what will happen and the OP is risky. I wouldn't mention childcare issues.

Your local council can provides list of childminders, and you can ring round to see if any could do pick ups for a week?

I wouldn't lie directly about her prognosis though.

If you do not necessarily want to take the boys with you to say (potential) farewells, and this is more about the logistics of managing school runs etc, then have you looked into a temporary nanny? It might work out similar to the cost of flights to have a temp for a couple of weeks, and only have your dh muck around with his hours for one week? ( or have the temp,for 3 weeks if possible).

That way school is not disrupted (I would absolutely take a child out for reasons you describe though ) and, perhaps more crucially, you have the time and space you need to study and/or care for your mother in what will be difficult circumstances.

It is a bit short notice to find a temporary nanny, I am leaving on Monday.

I think I have decided to go just for the 5 days I initially planned. When we have a firm date for mums operation I will go back again short notice. It is pushing the problem in to the future, but will possibly be better to go twice. In any event, out of the three weeks left of October when I go, 2 of them are half term.

But it is true that we should have some sort of emergency childcare cover just in case for the future.

We always wanted to minimize on childcare needed, which is why I have worked part time. The boys were in nursery 3 days per week, then in school, and I have worked flexible hours.

I am a bit annoyed with my husband that he has now positioned himself with work in such a way that he cant be relied on for anything much relating to the kids.

It may be hard to believe, but we dont have many friends, and we have not "networked" much in school, so I dont know whose nanny are with what child, and I dont pay attention to this in the school playground. I drop off and leave, and I pick up and leave. I talk to the mums of my sons friends, who incidentally are Italian, French and Polish, and in a similar situation as me. Husbands working long and unpredictable hours, no family network, and siblings at home which makes it difficult to provide emergency care for friends. They also live a distance from school, and we live a distance from school in the opposite direction, so an hours drive if the traffic is bad.
I just dont know where to find a willing, reliable and available emergency nanny or childminder!

It's fine! You shouldn't HAVE to know or be willing to drop your child off with a stranger for childcare. I have never used a childminder, and wouldn't have a clue where to start! Let alone, WANT to.

There are two things I think are important 1) your husband needs to step up to being a parent and 2) cultivate some friends in the same position as you are with lack of family who can help out.

But saying that, it's not going to damage them one little bit you taking them with you.

I hope the week goes as well as it can. It's not an easy situation, and that's crap, but you sound really strong and I am sure you will get through this.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, and the very difficult situation generally

My dad has dementia, and he's now in a Hospice for end-of-life care. My sister and I share visiting, and dealing with the emotional nightmare, between us. I understand exactly where you're coming from, as I live further away and often feel more than bad that my sister, physically closer, does most of the visiting.

I'd say do what you need to do. Education is important, but you only have one mum. Your boys will have many years to catch up with a week or more of missed schooling, but you and your mum don't have the luxury of time. Do what you need to do, and if it means that your son, or one of them, has to miss some time at school then so be it. I don't think you should have to be worrying about that at a time like this.

Very best wishes to you and your family

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. So difficult trying to juggle all the demands on you and dh.

If you have found a way which enables you to manage during this difficult time, and take the pressure off a bit, then I would go with it. A week or so off school is no big deal in yr 5, especially if it facilitates you coping with an otherwise impossible dilemma.

No-one in their right minds would criticise your decision.

Hope your mum's operation goes well, and she makes a good recovery.

Thanks for sympathy.

We have a date now, 19th October, for op on the 20th. I am still unsure what to do. I spoke to HT yesterday, and while she is sympathetic told me I would just have to go through the procedure of applying for term time absence.

I could possibly extend my stay a week, and just let dh struggle on with one child on half term and another still in school. If he wants to pull blood out of a stone contact his aunt to help, so be it. I would then be back Friday 24th. Just in time for ds1 to go back to school, and ds2 to get his half term break.

I feel very much that they are his children too, and I need to do what is right in terms of his parents and just leave him to it.

Sorry, that should be MY parents, not his.