Concerns over a boy at DS1's primary school

[mandbaby]

My DS1 (4.11) has just started in reception at primary school. He absolutely loves it and the teacher has said some lovely things about him already. DS2 (3.3) has just started the pre-school there and I'm 39 weeks pg with DC3. The school is a 2 minute walk away (so super convenient - especially when heavily pregnant and soon with a newborn) and not only that it's been awarded Outstanding by Ofsted for the last 3 visits. Perfect.

However, there is one boy in DS1's class who has latched on to him and just wont leave him alone. Last week, the teacher took me to one side to tell me that the boy had punched DS1 in the face "several times" - completely unprovoked, and DS1 didn't retaliate. She said she saw the whole thing, apologised to me profusely and explained that there were "some issues" concerning the boy (she sort of hinted that he MAY have some learning/social difficulties) and that the boy was removed from the classroom and dealt with. She added that she was so glad that DS1 hadn't been wearing his glasses that day as she's certain they would have been broken by the power of the boy's punches. sad

Since then, DS1 has talked about other issues concerning the same boy (how he's pushed DS1 out of line whilst queuing for lunch, etc, how the boy has had to go "to the office" due to other poor behaviour in class. We've told DS1 that he must tell a grown up whenever the boy does "naughty".

This morning, whilst we were all on the playground waiting for the bell to ring, the boy made a beeline for DS1 as soon as he entered the playground, and started putting his hands in DS1s face and generally winding him up. DS1 was polite (as much as a 4YO can be) and asked to be left alone. The boy then tried taking DS2's cuddly toy off him and was following them both around, generally getting in their faces and winding them up. DS1 and DS2 tried their best to get away from the boy, but the boy obviously just sees it as part of the game. The boy then started to get more incessant, poking, pulling and smacking at DS1. DS1, who by this time had clearly had enough, then fought back. Once or twice prior to this, I'd asked DS1 to come and stand with me, but he wouldn't. He wanted to run around the playground with all the other children (totally understandable, right?). But when it reached this point, I ignored his tantrums and insisted he stand in the line with me until it was time to go into school. Only when DS1 started to stand up for himself did the boy's mother intervene. Prior to this, when she'd watched me go over on more than one occasion to ask DS1 to come and stand with me, she said and did nothing, despite her son CONSTANTLY being in the face of my boys.

One afternoon last week when I collected my boys from school/pre-school, the boy ran up to DS1 saying "hey! where do you think you're going!" DS1 turned around and said, quite assertively, "Away from YOU!". DS1 is normally very sociable and has never had trouble making friends so to see him at the age of 4 already making his mind up that this is a boy he doesn't want to be friends with was quite a surprise. That's how much the boy is obviously bothering him.

My hubby, who was already annoyed by the situation concerning this boy, is now telling me he wants us to change schools to one that's two miles across town. So instead of a nice 2 minute walk to an outstanding school around the corner, he wants me to get in the car (which, in a week or two will be with a newborn baby as well as DS1 and DS2) and drive to the other side of town where there's no guarantee that there wont be another boy (or girl!) just like the one that is constantly bothering DS1 now.

I mentioned to DS1s teacher this morning that there had already been some "uneasiness" with the boys on the playground today. She then said that her and the Teaching Assistant had noticed that DS1 and the boy were like "magnets" and drawn to one another. This may be the case. But from what I've seen, DS1 has tried to do his best to steer clear of the boy, but the boy wont give up.

What would you do?

How long would you give it before taking action such as moving school?

What options do we have?

Firstly, ask for a specific meeting with the teacher. Be calm and clear. Explain that the use of her word 'magnets' implies that the 'attraction' is mutual, and that it is not. Explain to her in exact detail what happened in the playground and the degree to which the boy was physically treating your DS, and that the parent did nothing to intervene of modify his behaviour.

Ask what measures will be put in place to protect your child since he has already been punched and that the child seems fixated on him.

Tell her that your child is generally sociable and that of course you work hard to help him resolve issues around boundaries and friendship but that he too is very young and you do not want him t be in a position where he resorts to hitting back and how will the school manage the other child so that yours is not laid vulnerable?

If you do not get satisfactory answers you can then talk to the Head.

There are lots of things that can be done before you move schools! In any case you might find that you move, only to find that there is another child who presents similar of other difficulties, or else that just as you leave the perfect school the boy is either managed out of his behaviour or is moved elsewhere.

The school do need a bit of time to learn how to manage this child's behaviour. They might get a TA to 'mind' him (that is what happened in DS's primary) , or assign him to the room they keep for children who need to be out of the main classroom, or whatever.

Keep re-assuring your boy that it is OK to be assertive and to say 'STOP THAT' loudly if he is being bothered, it is OK to tell his teacher immediately.

It sounds as if you actually have a very sorted out little boy with excellent social skills which will stand him in good stead.

Which doesn't excuse the school from their responsibility to deal with this boy and keep yours safe and confident in school.

The school should be taking this very seriously - point out that as she said it could have been very serious had he been wearing his glasses, your boy needs to wear his glasses and needs to be safe to do so, and that you are concerned, given the playground incident, that the boy is still pursuing your DS.

the school have a duty of care to both children, if the other little boy has behavioural difficulties they have a responsibility to ensure that he is adequately supervised and therefor not able to hurt others or himself.

I would have another discussion with the teacher and repeat your concerns.

Moving schools is really not the answer all schools will have children that can be disruptive for one reason or another.
Hopefully he will settle down and the school will work it out.

It sounds far too soon to be even contemplating moving schools. You need a proper meeting with the teacher and an action plan put in place. Give the school a chance before rushing into any huge decisions. You're right by moving school it will be a lot of upheaval and hassle and you may find another child like it. What then ? Another move. Please talk to the teacher.

I agree that it is too soon to be thinking of moving schools. There are children with behavioural/ social/ SEN at all schools in any case. There is no point your husband getting angry, unless the school seems apathetic in sorting this out. Then he might have a case but it's a knee-jerk reaction from him I feel, talking of moving schools.

I agree with others that it would be a good idea to be clear and firm at this early stage with both class teacher and head if necessary. Your son should not have to be anyone else's punchbag no matter the reason behind the other boy's behaviour.

Realistically, this may be the first contact the boy has had with any sort of institution outside his family, so assessment and getting in support/ making referrals might take time. The school, for obvious reasons, won't be able to discuss the other little boy's issues with you at all but it is important for your son and for the boy concerned that you make your concerns known and get them on record.

What a shame for your little boy - but hopefully it will be sorted sooner rather than later. It's the measure of a school, how well they deal with issues like this.

I think that you need to tell the teacher in your meeting with her that you feel the school is failing in its duty of care to your ds - and that you want to work with them to ensure that there is a plan so he does not get hit/followed/taunted/etc by the boy again.

Make sure that your ds tells you about every incident, and that you tell the teacher that you have told your ds to report every incident to her as well, even if it's just a 'he hit me miss' very brief sentence because she is busy. Keep a log for the next week, see how they are doing and if it doesn't get any better, talk to the teacher again, as well as the head teacher.

Follow up both meetings with an email to the teacher, cc'ing the HT, raising your concerns and noting what everybody has agreed so they can't turn around in a few weeks time and say that they didn't realise it was as bad as it was.

I think you have to give the school a chance to fix it as in all other respects it seems to be a great school for your family - but it is definitely worth being 'that parent' and getting things sorted.

You never know, making formal complaints about the boys behaviour might be useful to the school in trying to get extra funding to for a ta to help look after him.

If the mum is in the playground and another incident happens, it might be worth saying something to her directly (and in relation to the incident) - along the lines of could she ask her son to stay away from your son (both of them!) for a little while as he's a bit full on and your son isn't able to deal with him in the same way a more grown up child does - that he will put up with a lot but will eventually snap under extreme provocation and that you don't think it is fair to either child that they should be in a position where that happens. It might be that the mum doesn't really care about what her ds is doing - but it might be that she is mortified or at the end of her tether with him, so at least initially, say it nicely and giving her son the benefit of the doubt (no matter how tempting it would be to say that she needs to control her child and stop him from being a nasty bully!) that he's just a bit enthusiastic and that your ds finds him a bit full on...

But definitely log everything and make a point of talking to the teacher about it, and making her realise that this is really unsettling your child to the point that your dh thinks that pulling him is the sensible thing to do - she might not realise quite how bad it is or how badly you think it is being managed.

Is there more than one class in the year - could you request that the child is moved out of your ds's class to maintain your child's safety? They might say that your ds should move but why should he be punished for being the victim of a bully? Again - even if they can't or won't do this it is a good thing to discuss to show how serious and worried you are about the situation.

It's far too soon to be thinking about changing schools, and there's no guarantee that you won't come across difficult and disruptive children in a new school anyway.

You need to keep on at the school, keep a written record of incidents as the time may come when it helps the school to have extra evidence so that they can get external support for this child. Have meetings with the HT, ask how they are planning to keep your ds safe, especially during lunchtimes.

Stop telling your ds that he needs to tell a grown up when this child 'does naughty' because apart from it being appealing grammar, labelling a child as naughty really doesn't help the problem. Instead tell your ds to tell a grown up whenever he thinks this boy needs help to behave nicely. I know this might sound a bit fluffy, but when a child gets a naughty label they start to live up to it. They know they have the label (and this boy will probably already know that he's the naughty one, even this soon into reception) so they have no incentive to change. Other children start to blame that child for things they haven't done and it becomes a self perpetuating vicious cycle.

Children with behavioural problems won't be 'fixed' overnight, you need to prepare yourself for a bit of a fight.

Massive well done to your ds for using his voice to protect himself so brilliantly. Remember that by moving him so quickly, he could well end up feeling like he has done something wrong, despite him doing what he has been told to do in saying no and telling adults when he needs to. After all, it will be him that has to cope with a new school so soon after getting settled in his first one, and that's just not fair on him.

woowooowl "does naughty" was a typo in my OP. What I actually meant to type was does something "naughty". But what I actually said to DS was to tell a grown up whenever the boy upsets or hurts him. I put the "naughty" in speechmarks because I know that naughty is not a nice word (and not something I ever say to my children as I don't want them thinking they're being labelled) but I couldn't be bothered to type out the full explanation of what I actually told DS.

Must be great that you never do typos ;) (but then I assume you meant appalling grammar