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New school...now it's DD who's being bullied!

5 replies

MarmaladeSun · 21/09/2006 08:57

Hi all
You may remember me posting last year about my son having his nose broken by a lad at school, and the police involvement, and also about my daughter being made to get changed in front of the boys (she's almost 12 and developing her body).
Anyway, we moved house, and subsequently schools. The children both go to the same middle school, which has an excellent, outstanding even, reputation.
There is a girl who lives in the same village and goes to the school also. From the day we moved in she has m,ade snide comments and nasty remarks about our house being SO small (it's a 3 bed semi), how she has a pony and we have nothing, how her dad earns £100k and we only live in a rented house etc. I explained to DD that this girl is just jealous, as, whilst she may have all the trappings of a big house, and a pony etc there is obvilusly something lacking in her life. There is no one at home when she gets back from school for instance, and not a lot of affection there.
Things have become a lot more serious this term though. She chants 'whore' and 'prostitute' at my daughter (which resulted in me having to explain what the words meant), shoved DD into a wall, marking her back, pinched her, emptied a bottle of water over her head, took her pencil case and threw it over someone's garden fence...the list goes on.
Anyway, DD has reported these thiongs to the school and it continues. I took DD to the other girl's house so that they could sort it out amicably and was met with, literally, a 'talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening'. Her father came to the door and I explained, in a very pleasant manner, that the girls were just trying to sort out a spat, and his daughter told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't welcome and to go away! he replied 'Oh name, I'll have to smack your bottom if you speak to me like that' FFS.
So anyway, after the pinching and shoving day, DD had enough and hit this girl back. I don't condone kids hitting BUT nothing else seemed to get through to this kid, the school, her parents, reasoning and quite frankly I'm surprised it took her so long! And in all honesty, if someone called me a whore I would bloody well deck them too!
The mother came marching down here last night shouting the odds, saying it was unprovoked. I explained that this kid had systematically hit and pinched DD and called her a whore repeatedly and she said, shockingly, that verbal bullying was acceptable, as was pinching!!! I was flabbergasted. Now anyone who knows anything about bullying knows that verbal abuse can be more damaging than physical.
I've written to the school this morning, so am expecting a phone call today. DD wanted me to take her to school, instead of going on the bus with this kid. I am reluctant to do this yet, as that would be playing right into this little cow's hands.
I can't believe it's happening again. I can only assume it's jealousy, as DD is very very pretty, intelligent and popular whereas this kid is overweight, and doesn't have many friends and is obviously allowed to get away with murder at home. Anyway, what else can I do?

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mumblechum · 21/09/2006 13:38

The school must have an anti bullying policy, as I'm sure you know. Until you've heard from the school, I don't really know what to suggest, but I'm really sorry for what your poor dds going through. Has your dd had a chance to make any friends at her new school yet? She may be less likely to be bullied if the other girl can see she's not alone. I'd invite as many other girls to tea etc as possible to give your dd a bit of backup. Good luck.

mooshy · 21/09/2006 13:54

How awful for you.
IME when it got that bad with our dd and nothing was happening i removed her from the school until they listened.
I sent a letter stating that until the girl involved was dealt with and they could give me assurrance my daughter would be protected then i would keep her at home.
I also reminded them that as they had failed in their duty to protect my child the school would have to provide a home tutor !
The matter was dealt with promptly, however my daughter had ended up in hospital very poorly through the bulling
Like you i was reasonable for probably too long.
Keep cming on MN because you will need lots of support.

MarmaladeSun · 21/09/2006 15:06

Hi mumblechum. It's funny you should suggest that about inviting friends over as I was going to suggest that to DD tonight. It's something which is suggested on an anti bullying website so very astut of you!
Hi Mooshy, how terrible for your DD and for you too. It's heartbreaking to see your child being hurt like that and not being able to [protect them. All power to you for removing her from school; I find it diabolical that a parent can be taken to task over keeping a child home from school, even if the bullying is intolerable for the child, but apparently that is what happens. Once again the victim becomes the offender. Ridiculous. I have in the past been very soft, and tried to talk and reaosn my way out of things, but since meeting my second DH he has taught me a few things; he doesn't take any at all, and has toughened me up a bit so I won't be as soft as I was when poor DS was going through it.
I 'll keep you informed of what happens. No word yet, but maybe a letter will come home with DD. Take care

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MarmaladeSun · 22/09/2006 08:35

Ok, so there was no phone call or letter home, but DD was called into the office to talk about it, and then the other girl, and finally together. I had told DD to act very mature, not get agitated and be polite; she did whilst the other girl shouted, and sulked and refused to cooperate. Nothing more was said to DD by this girl, but I have written another letter to the teacher today because she told DD that what happens on the school bus is none of their concern. However, in 2004 the DfES issued guidance to schools stating that behaviour outside of school and NOT on school business can be dealt with by the school if it impacts on the behaviour of the pupil body as a whole, which bullying does, obviously. So I thanked the teacher for dealing with it so promptly etc, but said that I had to take issue with this viewpoint etc etc...
I hate this whole 'pass the buck' attitude. If anyone has ever read the book 'Bullycide: death in the playground' they will know the price of schools ignoring this type of bullying. If you haven't read it, I would urge you to. It's absolutely heartbreaking but essential in the fight against bullying.

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MarmaladeSun · 25/09/2006 10:33

Update: A note came home in the form of a footnote in DDs home/school book to tell me that DD has been moved class!!!! Whilst I agree that it is the best thing to seperate them, why is it DD who has been moved? In my view this just sends out all the wrong messages - that if you report bullying it is you who will be punished, and to the bully it says that you can do what the hell you like and get away with it. Apparently the 2 girls were called into the office again, and told that one of them would have to move. The other girl flatly refused; DD who is less confrontational was left (in her opinion) with no option but to agree to it. So once again the bully wins!
I have written to the year head who sanctioned this again today (3rd letter in as many days) but I'm really at a loss for words.

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