Should my b/g twins go in separate classes?

[JuliaGulia]

They start at reception school in September. My ex-husband and the children's nursery want them to into separate classes to help each one on them flourish.
I think after 4 years together, it seems awfully cruel to now say they can't see each other everyday.

WWYD?

My twins go to a small school so there is only 1 class in each year so this wasn't an option however. Having asked them if they would like to be in separate classes (they are 7 yo) they have replied no.

They sit at different tables, are in different house groups and have different friends. They are 2 different people and their friendship groups/school work reflect this without the need to have separated them. They do find support in one another but I think no more than they would from their friends.

Twins do have a bond and I think it is cruel (and out dated) to separate them unless they want to because as you have said they have been together 4 years.

From a teachers' perspective I would separate them. They are always going to have that special bond but it prevents one twin being dominant and allows them to have their own lives and not be compared quite so much.
...but I can't speak from the perspective of having twins myself.

I will be requesting separate classes for my DTs. DT1 is very dominant and so far, has developed at a much faster pace than DT2. Family, friends and random strangers compare them all the time. I hope having different teachers and completely different class mates will allow DT2 to develop away from the shadow of their sibling. Also DT1 needs to build more confidence away from the security of dt2.

I know people (we know 6 sets) who went both ways. Three sets were separated as their parents wanted the more 'dependant' twin to build their independence. Both were of the opinion that they would benefit them and it was their choice. The other parents didn't have that issue so left them together, which means shared friends, parties etc Ours is a 3 form entry so they had the option.

db asked for his DTs to be in separate classes when they started in reception last September - they were given the choice. The boys still see each other every break and lunch and sometimes play together in the playground but each has developed their own friendship circles and they go to different parties which is great imo

There has been a lot of research on this (look at TAMBA they have info). Not surprisingly the research shows that it depends on the particular children: there is no one right or wrong. Some children would be better to be separated and others would feel anxious all the time and really need to start school together and perhaps be separated later in junior school or secondary school (I do believe that boy/girl twins would usually benefit from separating at secondary age). Sometimes it is not a huge issue either way, especially if they still see each other at break, lunch etc and the classes are sometimes mixed around.
It is a shame that your exh doesn't agree with you as the usual advice at reception age is to listen to the parents not the teachers.

I plan to keep my twins together initially. Starting school is such a big deal and can be really overwhelming for some children and having each other will make that change easier to deal with. When they are old enough to choose, I will let them decide.

4 is still very little anyway .

I'm a twin, we went right through primary and secondary in the same class. I would never have imagined it any other way. It was a comfort that my sister was there, I never found it a distraction, it just felt normal to me! I never gave it a lot of thought TBH!

I separated my girl twins even though they knew nobody else at the school. They have both thrived and their teachers have said it was definitely the right move. They still see other at break time, lunch time and when their classes do joint activities. I think it would be harder to split them after reception as would mean moving one of them out of an established friendship group and class, unless they remix the classes every year.
Will say I know someone who split theirs and it didn't work and they were put back together fairly quickly.
My dds would be together almost 24/7 if they weren't split. Everyone needs some time apart from their sibling, being with anyone 24/7 would do your head in!

Just to add, we had the choice and discussed it with our dds and they agreed to be split. They are quite competitive, this way they both get to be the best in the class etc etc !

Op, me again, just to say they will still see each other every day! Thee will just be a few hours per day when they are not in same room as their twin.

I know someone with (all girl) triplets who not only put them in separate classes, she sent them to separate schools! This was at both primary and secondary level.

At my DD's (very large) primary school, twins are systematically put in separate classes from the age of 3. IMO this is an excellent opportunity for each twin to develop independently for a small part of the time.

In fact - I know some twins who were not separated from 3-6 (different school) before joining DD's school and they are the only twins I know who have a very problematic twin relationship, aged 10.

Some family members have twin, boy and girl, like you. They were together to start with (until Y2) and then separated.

What came out very clearly is that the little girl struggled to form her own friendship. She very much followed her db around, her friends were his, his games were hers.
She found it very difficult to be in a different class in Y3, to mix with girls (she was only playing with the boys) etc.
in that particular case, I think putting them together wasn't the right choice for them.
I think it doesn't help that they also have the same afterschool activities etc as they are constantly compared to each other too.

I am an identical twin, I also have identical twins. We were together until Junior school, it was bliss . When the DTS started school, it was a single form entry, but I would still have chosen to keep them together. They both enjoyed separate friends, but loved being together. Once they started middle school, we asked for them to be in separate classes, and they have continued to thrive. Ours are 13 now and are very close. They share a room and fight - and then on holiday, given the chance of a room each - they still choose to share

As PPs have said, it does depend on the children.

Thanks for all your messages. It's really good to hear your opinions.

My current intention is to keep them together but I have requested that the school sit them at different tables and encourage them (not force them) to socialise separately. I know they do a lot of group work and will spend time doing different things - particularly because my DD seems quite academic and my DS is more interested in charging around. I'm sure that is normal for their age but they have been at nursery since 11 months so we've got a good record of their progress/preferences.

I have asked the twins what they want to do on many occasions and my DS (who is slightly more insecure) wants to say with his sister and my DD (more confident) isn't fussed.

They will have to 'go up' to the Juniors school in Year 3 so perhaps then might be another opportunity to re-evaluate the situation..?

From a selfish point of view, I'm a single mum, working full time and commuting 3 hours each day to make things work. Even with a co-operative ExH and a lovely XMIL, supportive parents and wrap around child care, our schedule is very tight. Swimming lessons are squeezed in on one evening and they spend every Fri/Sat with their dad. Separating them into separate classes just might open us up to more chaos with school trips on different days, parents evenings at different times etc.

Furthermore, I certainly didn't expect to be divorced from their father. Although we both work exceptionally hard to ensure they feel secure, I think the feeling of guilt is a hard emotion to bury.

JG